Quote:
Originally Posted by alexri
I am just... scared.
Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.
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Reading your story was like reliving my past, for the most part. I didn't grow up in a Catholic family and I went to public school, but I experienced about 99% of what you described. I started my transition in 2000 when I was 27. I went through three years of therapy before deciding transitioning was right for me. But I was still afraid it was the wrong decision. When I started I was told I would be denied hormones and surgeries if I didn't want to transition 100% to male. I knew then that I didn't want to be 100% male. I did not want lower surgery. So I lied. I was so convincing and got so used to lying about wanting lower surgery that I convinced myself I couldn't be male without it. I even researched lower surgeries and all the available options for it.
In 2003 I changed my name and started on hormones and was excited and happy when the changes finally started showing and I passed almost 100% of the time. In 2007 I was finally able to have top surgery and once again was beyond happy. In 2010 I had a hysterectomy. During this time I did lose some friends and the stress from trying to hide it from my family was almost unbearable. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I finally came out as trans to my entire immediate family. They understood but did not like it. They weren't even surprised. They still insist on calling me 'she' and using my old name when I go home to visit, but they understand that if they come here to visit me it's by my rules.
Over the years I struggled with the thought of lower surgery. Deep down I knew I didn't want it. Deep down I knew I was closer to Trans Masculine or Gender Queer. I like looking male and having a male chest. So I went back to therapy. This time I had a therapist who understood and got me to understand that I am not any less of a man because I don't want a penis. She got me to understand that it's not the physical that makes me who I am. It's how I feel inside. She is still trying to get me to believe that there is a woman/femme out there who will accept me as I am. As half and half. I meet and date women who say they understand and accept me for who I am, but inevitably they leave, stating I am not lesbian enough or male enough or, yes, even trans enough. One even went so far as to try and force me into going back to being female in appearance. I currently have two crushes but am so afraid to pursue anything beyond where they are at right now because I fear the rejection I have come to expect. Too many women have been with me for 'the story' or the novelty of telling their friends they slept with an FtM.
I have been very lucky that I have not had much discrimination in the workplace since moving to Minneapolis. Everyone seems very accepting here. I had one doctor who wouldn't treat me, but she explained it was because she had no experience with the medical needs of transgender patients and she gave me the name of a colleague who did have the experience. She wanted me to have the best care possible. To this day I have total respect for her.
It's a long, bumpy road. Some of it will be fantastic and some will be filled with potholes. All I can say is it's a road worth traveling and nothing is ever set in stone. I wish you the best on your journey.