FTM place to vent and talk

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by alexri

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.

Reading your story was like reliving my past, for the most part. I didn't grow up in a Catholic family and I went to public school, but I experienced about 99% of what you described. I started my transition in 2000 when I was 27. I went through three years of therapy before deciding transitioning was right for me. But I was still afraid it was the wrong decision. When I started I was told I would be denied hormones and surgeries if I didn't want to transition 100% to male. I knew then that I didn't want to be 100% male. I did not want lower surgery. So I lied. I was so convincing and got so used to lying about wanting lower surgery that I convinced myself I couldn't be male without it. I even researched lower surgeries and all the available options for it.

In 2003 I changed my name and started on hormones and was excited and happy when the changes finally started showing and I passed almost 100% of the time. In 2007 I was finally able to have top surgery and once again was beyond happy. In 2010 I had a hysterectomy. During this time I did lose some friends and the stress from trying to hide it from my family was almost unbearable. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I finally came out as trans to my entire immediate family. They understood but did not like it. They weren't even surprised. They still insist on calling me 'she' and using my old name when I go home to visit, but they understand that if they come here to visit me it's by my rules.

Over the years I struggled with the thought of lower surgery. Deep down I knew I didn't want it. Deep down I knew I was closer to Trans Masculine or Gender Queer. I like looking male and having a male chest. So I went back to therapy. This time I had a therapist who understood and got me to understand that I am not any less of a man because I don't want a penis. She got me to understand that it's not the physical that makes me who I am. It's how I feel inside. She is still trying to get me to believe that there is a woman/femme out there who will accept me as I am. As half and half. I meet and date women who say they understand and accept me for who I am, but inevitably they leave, stating I am not lesbian enough or male enough or, yes, even trans enough. One even went so far as to try and force me into going back to being female in appearance. I currently have two crushes but am so afraid to pursue anything beyond where they are at right now because I fear the rejection I have come to expect. Too many women have been with me for 'the story' or the novelty of telling their friends they slept with an FtM.

I have been very lucky that I have not had much discrimination in the workplace since moving to Minneapolis. Everyone seems very accepting here. I had one doctor who wouldn't treat me, but she explained it was because she had no experience with the medical needs of transgender patients and she gave me the name of a colleague who did have the experience. She wanted me to have the best care possible. To this day I have total respect for her.

It's a long, bumpy road. Some of it will be fantastic and some will be filled with potholes. All I can say is it's a road worth traveling and nothing is ever set in stone. I wish you the best on your journey.

[DapperButch]

How many things do all of us get frustrated with but don't talk about, because it is just a part of our daily life?

Case in point, I hate that I have to wear a sprots bra when I work out. Sure, I don't HAVE to, but if I want to breathe well and do a decent workout, I have to take off the binder.

I hate this. I had seeing myself in the gym mirror as I am lifting weights.

Anyone else struggle with this?

[alexri]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Case in point, I hate that I have to wear a sprots bra when I work out. Sure, I don't HAVE to, but if I want to breathe well and do a decent workout, I have to take off the binder.

I hate this. I had seeing myself in the gym mirror as I am lifting weights.

Anyone else struggle with this?

Yes. I totally understand this. I hate having to wear a sports bra but it holds the you know whats down the best for the gym. I also hate wearing white tech shirts because of the outline they can show. I hate seeing race photos where the photographer thinks he/she is doing me a favor by catching curves. I have to fight with some races to get them to give me the men's/unisex tech shirt instead of assigning me a women's cut shirt. The most comfortable thing I have found is to wear dark colored tech shirts.

I hate going into the women's locker room too.

[Kent]

Originally Posted by alexri

Yes. I totally understand this. I hate having to wear a sports bra but it holds the you know whats down the best for the gym. I also hate wearing white tech shirts because of the outline they can show. I hate seeing race photos where the photographer thinks he/she is doing me a favor by catching curves. I have to fight with some races to get them to give me the men's/unisex tech shirt instead of assigning me a women's cut shirt. The most comfortable thing I have found is to wear dark colored tech shirts.

I hate going into the women's locker room too.

Yeah, guys.. I have the same problem as I'm pre-op too. I quit going to the gym because my dysphoria was so great and I became depressed. Now, I have gained 40 damn pounds. I'm going to join a small one owner gym here and get some personal training and start eating clean again and take this weight off. Once I lose about 20 pounds I'll join this other rehab/gym that has an Olympic size swimming pool and swim laps to work off the other 20 pounds and slim down. The weight gain has only made my dysphoria worse. You guys keep working out and don't let yourselves go like I did.

I understand everything you two are saying Alex and Dapper. I suffer from having these large chesticles and I cannot wait to get rid of them. Just know that you are not alone and we are all in this together. Ain't none of us gettin' out alive. Hang in there guys.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Yeah I have the same problem well almost. Mine is when I have to wear a sports bra to work instead of my binder. Binders are extremely expensive so at the moment I only have one. Unfortunately I must have bought the wrong kind because it doesn't really work and my job is a physical one so I have to wear the sports bras I have. I absolutely hate it. My dysphoria is bad enough when I wear a baggy shirt but when I am in my work clothes and get a glimpse of me most times I feel literally ill from it.

On the bright side I did tell my boss last week I would be transitioning and starting the process in a month. She was cool with everything, even me using the men's bathroom. I have at least a year to go before I can even think about top surgery but I do get my t without a letter so there is that. Hopefully it will help with my dysphoria some.