[Cin]

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Truly Scrumptious and I celebrated last night by, among other things, sharing a fabulous dinner that I made and some awesome chocolate that I did not. We talked a little about this thread at some point in the evening. We live in Quebec where the law does not allow name changes when you marry. If you want to change your name you are required to follow the same procedure that anyone must who seeks a name change. As you might imagine married people don’t usually change their names unless they have lots of extra cash lying around or it is for some reason extremely important to them. Apparently it’s not that important for most men to give their wife their name. Not important enough to pay for anyway. A man understands as long he procreates his name will live on. So no biggie. Probably why giving a wife your name is not a thing in many cultures. It’s not really important in the grand scheme of patrilineal societies nor does it hamper ownership or control of wives.

The law in Quebec might be the reason that changing our names never came up when we married. I’m sure it was one of the factors. For me I know I never even thought about it. I certainly had no desire to be honored by having Truly take my name. It’s not an honor to me, it’s not anything at all to me. It’s an honor that Truly wanted to marry me. It’s an honor that she wants to share her life with me. I remember saying that I would never marry another woman because marriage was a sexist institution and I had no desire to engage in such patriarchal traditions. Obviously I have moved past that. I wanted very much to marry Truly. The patriarchy be damned.

My wife told me she would have loved to have my name. That was a surprise. She said she really likes my name. She thinks it’s a cool name and would be happy to take it as her own. Of course I would give her my name. I would give her anything. Likewise I would take her name if it was important to her. Personally I could care less. I have no real attachment to my father’s name. Nothing against my father at all. I loved my dad. It’s just a very patriarchal thing to me. My mother is not even in the equation. It was my father’s name and it was his father’s name and so on. As a women who has her father’s name I would not be passing on anything that has to do with the matriarchal side of my family anyway. It’s all patrilineal. Since my father only had two daughters I suppose if I gave a shit it would be a way to carry on his name. But since I don’t give a shit about this patriarchal crap anyway that is no motivation at all for me. However if my wife wanted it she could have it.

Misogyny, sexism, and all things patriarchal have taken enough from me, from all women. I will not willingly give up anything. If I choose to marry I will marry. If I choose to take my wife’s name I will do that. If I choose to give my name to my wife I will do that as well. Not one more thing will I willingly allow the patriarchy to take from me, not one more thing will it ruin and soil. Patriarchy steals everything from women. And I am a woman just like my wife is a woman. Maybe that makes a difference I don’t know. I don’t identify as male. I don’t feel any attachment to a male lineage. But my wife and I will share whatever we want. I am a woman, a butch and a feminist and I can take my wife’s name if we choose or give her mine if we choose. And I’m still a woman, a butch and a feminist. And if I don’t take her name or she doesn’t take mine it will be because we both decided we don’t want that. It won’t be because we allowed the patriarchy to keep something we want from us. Just like I will not allow patriarchy to own and define masculinity in its own image, it can’t own and define marriage or name changing traditions.