Changing last names

[Cin]

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Truly Scrumptious and I celebrated last night by, among other things, sharing a fabulous dinner that I made and some awesome chocolate that I did not. We talked a little about this thread at some point in the evening. We live in Quebec where the law does not allow name changes when you marry. If you want to change your name you are required to follow the same procedure that anyone must who seeks a name change. As you might imagine married people don’t usually change their names unless they have lots of extra cash lying around or it is for some reason extremely important to them. Apparently it’s not that important for most men to give their wife their name. Not important enough to pay for anyway. A man understands as long he procreates his name will live on. So no biggie. Probably why giving a wife your name is not a thing in many cultures. It’s not really important in the grand scheme of patrilineal societies nor does it hamper ownership or control of wives.

The law in Quebec might be the reason that changing our names never came up when we married. I’m sure it was one of the factors. For me I know I never even thought about it. I certainly had no desire to be honored by having Truly take my name. It’s not an honor to me, it’s not anything at all to me. It’s an honor that Truly wanted to marry me. It’s an honor that she wants to share her life with me. I remember saying that I would never marry another woman because marriage was a sexist institution and I had no desire to engage in such patriarchal traditions. Obviously I have moved past that. I wanted very much to marry Truly. The patriarchy be damned.

My wife told me she would have loved to have my name. That was a surprise. She said she really likes my name. She thinks it’s a cool name and would be happy to take it as her own. Of course I would give her my name. I would give her anything. Likewise I would take her name if it was important to her. Personally I could care less. I have no real attachment to my father’s name. Nothing against my father at all. I loved my dad. It’s just a very patriarchal thing to me. My mother is not even in the equation. It was my father’s name and it was his father’s name and so on. As a women who has her father’s name I would not be passing on anything that has to do with the matriarchal side of my family anyway. It’s all patrilineal. Since my father only had two daughters I suppose if I gave a shit it would be a way to carry on his name. But since I don’t give a shit about this patriarchal crap anyway that is no motivation at all for me. However if my wife wanted it she could have it.

Misogyny, sexism, and all things patriarchal have taken enough from me, from all women. I will not willingly give up anything. If I choose to marry I will marry. If I choose to take my wife’s name I will do that. If I choose to give my name to my wife I will do that as well. Not one more thing will I willingly allow the patriarchy to take from me, not one more thing will it ruin and soil. Patriarchy steals everything from women. And I am a woman just like my wife is a woman. Maybe that makes a difference I don’t know. I don’t identify as male. I don’t feel any attachment to a male lineage. But my wife and I will share whatever we want. I am a woman, a butch and a feminist and I can take my wife’s name if we choose or give her mine if we choose. And I’m still a woman, a butch and a feminist. And if I don’t take her name or she doesn’t take mine it will be because we both decided we don’t want that. It won’t be because we allowed the patriarchy to keep something we want from us. Just like I will not allow patriarchy to own and define masculinity in its own image, it can’t own and define marriage or name changing traditions.

[BullDog]

I am a butch woman. If I were to get married I certainly would not expect or demand that my femme partner change her last name to mine. If she wanted to, however, I would consider it a great honor. I would not think of it as being heteronormative. If I get married, it is two women getting married and we forge our own path. I do not equate butch with male or male norms at all for myself, and my partner changing her last name to mine certainly would not change that. It would be her choice.

What if she wanted me to change mine to hers? I would consider it, and my decision wouldn't be based on me being butch and her being femme. To be honest, I have never considered changing my last name, so I think it would be unlikely unless there was a big significance of it for her. The fact that I have never considered changing my last name, I really don't think it has anything at all to do with me being butch. My last name is kind of common, but it is also one I like, even though it is from my father (who I don't really have a relationship with). I think the most likely scenario is for us to both keep the same name we had when we met.

I understand that in heterosexual marriages when there is a name change, that to this day it is almost always the woman who changes her name. There seem to be more femmes who change to the butch last name when there is a change in marriage. (I guess that is true, although I don't know how much evidence we have of that really. Of the couples that I have known who got married, most of them kept their own last name.) However, as a butch woman it is also very frustrating for me to be lumped in with male standards or being viewed as "male-like." I fight very hard to be seen as a woman and as a legitmiate butch at the same time in butch femme community, especially online. I also get that butches do tend to be over valued, which does seem to be tied to masculinity, and that is also wrong.