Changing last names

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'm not asking why people are an exception. I'm asking why it's rare for butches to take femmes last names. I'd kind of like to address that. Not why individual couples are an exception.

I saw ONE person admit "cause I like heterosexual traditional roles" and that they *like* heteronormativity. Ok, that's absolutely fine. as long as that's a cognisant choice.

So of the butches here ON THE BOARDS (not your one friend of many) would take a femme's last name if she didn't want to change hers? or would you just opt out of changing names all together if she didn't want to? I'm not going to attack you for opting out if she won't change hers, but you might wanna think about "why not change mine? sincerely, what is the issue I would have with that, even though I'd like our names to be the same."

(and thanks for answering bulldog)

But it’s still a good idea to bring it out in the open and look at it. I doubt it’s going to make any difference to anyone in regards to whether they change their name in marriage or whether they take their femme’s name or give their name to their femme partner. Nor do I see it as a condemnation of anything at all. What I see it as is self examination. The checking and examining of motives and beliefs and seeing where they may or may not come from.

thank you, Miss Tick.

and thanks for the encouragement to keep partaking. I've been having a very frustrating time with either articulating myself of having people refuse to aknowledge my points lately in life and feeling kinda like opening my mouth is pointless.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

So of the butches here ON THE BOARDS (not you one friend of many) would take a femme's last name if she didn't want to change hers?

I said:
" Of course I would give her my name. I would give her anything. Likewise I would take her name if it was important to her."

But in case that is not clear I would be happy to take her name if she didn't want mine and wanted a name change. I don't care.

[imperfect_cupcake]

sorry, Miss Tick, I missed that. I'm reading on a school break with a headache lol

Ok, I'm going to try and rephrase this

Of those butches of whom would *like* to have the same name as their partner, that they've thought about it their partner and them having the same name before they even have a partner, would they take the femmes name if she didn't want to change her name. Do *you* (butch) want the same name, and if so would you be willing to change yours? Or would you just think eh, nevermind then. I'm not asking for answers on the board, I am only asking that you think about why your answer is what it is.

[BullDog]

Trying to think about this further, I honestly have never thought of changing my last name. I don't think it has to do with specifically being butch, but I do think it very much has to do with being a lesbian. When I was younger I did not believe I wanted to get married, even if it was legal. I was in a 13 year relationship in my middle 20s to later 30s and we did not have a commitment or marriage ceremony. My feelings about marriage have changed, and now I really would like to if there is ever the opportunity for it.

There are some things I really have very little personal experience with that are common for most women. Maybe some are related to being butch, some with being a lesbian. I have no personal experience with birth control whatsoever. I have never even thought about it for myself, simply because I have never needed to. The same thing with changing my name. It just has never come up for me. I have had a couple of femmes express they would like to change their last name to mine if we got married. It truly felt like an honor and was something that meant a great deal to me. It was their choice to say and feel that. I don't feel it came out of any sense of obligation or need to follow any certain roles. It was something they felt they might like to do. I have never been asked if I would like to change mine by a femme I was partnered with. I would consider it, but it would be an entirely new experience for me to even contemplate. It isn't something I would volunteer on my own, because as I have said I am satisfied with my last name. If it was something that was very meaningful to her, I think I would do it out of love and it would feel like an honor.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Thing is Bulldog, even though I'm a lesbian, changing my name *has* always been a question for me. And I think that *does* have to do with being a femme.
So the question has always been "if I get married, am I going to change my name??"
Not "is my partner going to want my name?" or "I'd be honoured if she took my name"

this is what I'm kind of trying to point at.

ETA I'm not trying to call anyone a bad person. It's just I'm trying to point out something like.... and I'm not using this to campre with racism but as a similar concept of "unpacking" .... I never thought about why there was no brown band aides. that doesn't mean I'm evil. It means, I've never had to think about it. I'm just trying to show some differences in assumed thought processes.

am I saying this clearly? can someone help me? I feel I'm not being clear.

[BullDog]

Hi HB, perhaps it is common for femmes to think about changing their name when considering marriage. It never has been for me, and to me it does seem more tied to being a lesbian than being butch. I have always assumed that most likely if I got married we would both keep our names.

The femmes that I have known that have expressed interest in changing their last name (whether with me or someone else) or have changed their last name, to me it has always very much felt like a choice they were making for themselves.

Perhaps femmes do consider changing their names a lot more than butches do. It could be.

[imperfect_cupcake]

but I think there is something in that bulldog. Of course it's a choice no one is holding a gun to their head. but we make choices based on...

ok. nevermind. I can't. I'm stopping cause I obviously am not able to explain clearly or articulate in a way that's understood.

I may come back later or I may just go over my homework. Like I'm sposed to.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

but I think there is something in that bulldog. Of course it's a choice no one is holding a gun to their head. but we make choices based on...

ok. nevermind. I can't. I'm stopping cause I obviously am not able to explain clearly or articulate in a way that's understood.

I may come back later or I may just go over my homework. Like I'm sposed to.

You are making perfect sense. I understand you and I agree that femmes probably consider it more than butches do. Not all femmes, but on the whole I think that is true and there is something to look at there.

[julieisafemme]

I did not take my former spouse's name. It was a heterosexual marriage and I did not think about it. I did not feel the need. People used that last name for me automatically because I was married. That did not bother me. My maiden name is a mouthful and I do not have a strong attachment to it.

When Greyson and I got married he asked me if I would take his name. This was important to him. His last name is lovely and since it was not my first marriage I felt like this was something special I could give to him. My kid does not like it even though I have never had the same last name as her!

I feel like our having the same last name is a reflection of this marriage being a true partnership where my first was not. It says something about us as a couple. I like that. It may say other things to people on the outside...patriarchy or sexism. I don't really care about that.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Like I said Julie, I'm not talking about why individual people are exceptions. I'm talking about ... I'm starting to feel like a record now.

I am typing in english, right?


I'm off for internet kittens and neurology.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Like I said Julie, I'm not talking about why individual people are exceptions. I'm talking about ... I'm starting to feel like a record now.

I am typing in english, right?


I'm off for internet kittens and neurology.

Yes I get it!! My post was not in response to you or your points. I was reflecting on the differences in my two marriages and how that motivated me.

Kittens are good!

[Bard]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I'm not asking why people are an exception. I'm asking why it's rare for butches to take femmes last names. I'd kind of like to address that. not why you (the you of yeah but we did it cause...) are an exception.

I saw ONE person admit "cause I like heterosexual traditional roles" and that they *like* heteronormativity. Ok, that's absolutely fine. as long as that's a cognisant choice.

So of the butches here ON THE BOARDS (not your one friend of many) would take a femme's last name if she didn't want to change hers? or would you just opt out of changing names all together if she didn't want to? I'm not going to attack you for opting out if she won't change hers, but you might wanna think about "why not change mine? sincerely, what is the issue I would have with that, even though I'd like our names to be the same."

(and thanks for answering bulldog)


thank you, Miss Tick.

and thanks for the encouragement to keep partaking. I've been having a very frustrating time with either articulating myself of having people refuse to aknowledge my points lately in life and feeling kinda like opening my mouth is pointless.

if desd had asked me to change my name to hers hell yes I would have considered it we would have talked about at and as a unit come to a decision. She chose to take my name and for me it was important more because of family reasons my brothers having been adopted by their step father I alone have the name a name that is dear to me. My daughter with my EX has her last name and has my last name as her middle name. I know for us it would have been more a conversation of what we wanted as opposed to what is the norm

however if my ex had asked me to take her name I would have said nope no way and I would not have wanted to give her mine I think that says a lot she also scoffs at the butch femme dynamic and wanted me to change to suit her
I hope I have at least given you some answers this is kind of hard for me sometime in the thread I have felt judged and belittled for that fact that desd and I chose what we did however it doesn't matter what anyone thinks we are happy in love building a life and family together
may you have a wonderful day