Full Circle

[FullCircle]

My first memory of being gay was when I was four and stomped on some neighbor's tulips to impress a 5 y/o girl. I got into big trouble for that. And I don't think she was all that impressed. A few years later, my mother caught a friend and I playing with legos. We were sticking them into our labia for some strange reason. LOL! Next I was caught with my cousin. We were both naked. (I honestly don't remember exactly why.) In middle school I played spin the bottle and strip monopoly with some boys in the hood. It was quite exciting. In high school I had crush after crush on teachers and girls. It was such a time of angst for me. I dated boys but didn't feel any attraction to them at all. I felt as if they were like my brothers. Interestingly, most of them turned out to be gay. I think I dated boys because it was the thing to do. I didn't know what the hell I was. I did know enough however, to not say anything to anyone about my feelings for girls. Hm, so I must have known on some level.

So at 17 off to college I went. OMG. I went absolutely wild in college and in every way. I remember going to the library at some point and looking up some books on lesbianism. Oh, that's what I am! Big aha moment for me. No wonder those two women at McDonald's were staring at me all those years ago. They knew. So why didn't I? They knew and they didn't even know me. And then my mother had the nerve to be shocked and destroyed by the revelation. She who demonstrated so very clearly how NOT to have a happy marriage. She wanted the same for me. But I digress.

In my twenties I was very angry. I was angry at men. I was angry at my parents. I was angry with the world at large. I was not butch. I was not femme. I was just me. (not particularly girly, though) In my thirties I worked a lot. As the years passed, I became more and more masculine in looks and action. I think that I took free license to pick and choose from all things male and become them. I took mostly from the more obnoxious traits though. In hindsight, I think that I thought that if I could not beat them, I'd join them. I was still angry. Why do THEY (men) get to wield all of the power? Why do they get to work and play and act like total assholes all of the time? Why do they do next to nothing at work and get paid more money? Why do their wives get to work full-time and then be full-time housekeepers, laundry doers and cooks? Etc... This reflects my thinking at the time.

By the time I was 37 I had had two long term, serial manogomy type relationships and was about to begin a third. The woman I met was pregnant. So, I was to become a partner and a parent in one fell swoop. Well, as it turns out, I was ready to be a parent. I absolutely loved it. Our daughter was our world. The sun rose and fell with her beautiful blue eyes. (as it should be) So, we decided, I should have the next child. What, what? Me? No, no that's quite alright, I'm fine with being the "father-mom." Of course I got pregnant on the first try. I miscarried at 14 weeks. Sad. So fast-forward 2 years and thousands of dollars later, I'm finally pregnant again. By this time I'm almost 40 and the baby is the result of a donor egg (my partner's) and a donor sperm.

I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never felt so good in my life. I felt healthy and with purpose. I felt like a woman for the first time in my life! A real live woman. Really. I did have many complications and a few scary moments but our son was born healthy and happy and extremely gorgeous. (He looks just like me.) When he was born I was so thankful for so many things. I got to experience the indescribably delicious feeling of growing a life inside of me. I now know the bond that is formed by doing so. I now understand from both sides the challenges that men face everyday. I know why they sometimes act as they do. I no longer hate men. I'm not even all that angry anymore. I've come full circle.

My children's other mother and I are no longer together. We broke up 4 years ago. My daughter is now 12 and my son is 9. I pay child support and see them two afternoons a week and every-other weekend. They have adjusted well. They still wish for a dad. The lure of the great unknown, I think. My son told me one afternoon that he was looking forward to some father-mom and son time together... that made me think that he does "get it" somewhat.

I am called sir more often than not these days. It doesn't bother me. I am who I am. I'm not really all that keen on labels. I believe that we all come from the same stuff. We should be allowed to express ourselves in all ways and all the time. We should allow ourselves to change and grow.

So, I wrote this little life story for a few reasons. I wanted to introduce myself. I heard about this website from a friend who was trying to explain to me what a "daddy" is... I don't know where the heck I've been but I had no idea... and the idea intrigues the heck out of me. I want to know more. I think I might even be a daddy... is it possible to be something that one did not know existed? LOL Anyway, I haven't had much time yet to read many of the threads on here so if I've offended anyone, please forgive a newbie.

Looking forward to learning and sharing with all of you wonderful people.

-ellen