Butches & Their Ex's Children

[Wolfsong]

So I was sitting here playing Bubble Shooter. It is an addictive & mindless game to be sure, but it helps me shake off the work day. I just kind of sit here for a bit and play this game while listening to Pandora.

Today I heard this song for the first time and my mind wandered, not back to Shewhosnamemustneverbespoken but to her daughter. Her daughter that I loved as my own kid. In the disaster that was my relationship, this one little flower with freckles and a big smile won my heart. I hung on to that relationship for far too long for that kid....and I let the go for that kid.

I want to be clear in that I was not there to raise Natalie. My ex and I were actually together for a very short time in the grand scheme of things. So I do not have the same perspective as a couple that had a baby together or raised children together for a long period of time. I loved her mother and I loved her though, as I thought that I was loved in return.

I went up there a bunch of times after we broke up you know? Mostly to see her daughter, Natalie (not her real name). When my ex realized that she pretty much had my arm up around my back when it came to Natalie, she started using it to her advantage. She started threatening me with not being able to continue my relationship with her and so forth if I didn't do what she said. She wanted me to end friendships with the women in my life that I thought of as sisters, she wanted me to give away my dog, dye my hair jet black, use a specific deodorant, all kinds of crazy shit that made no sense whatsoever.

So I took most of it (I didn't get rid of my sisters or my dog). I took it until I realized that I was not doing what I thought I was for Natalie, which was being there and not giving up on her. Too many fights, stuff that isn't good for kids, most of you can imagine the routine. In the end I realized that the very best thing that I could do if I really did love her like my own was to kick rocks and not come back. There cannot be a middle if there is not two sides.

Natalie is in her 20s now and in college. I kind of know how she's doing from a far distance. I'm proud that she carried on and is making what appears to be a happy and successful life for herself. I'm going to leave it as it is. I know that if I make contact there is a chance that my ex will resurface and our lives have been far too peaceful for far too long to let that happen.

I know that many of you have gone through similiar experiances, some of them a hell of a lot more painful, others a hell of a lot more successful. I don't really know where I wanted to go with this now that I've typed it all out. I guess I just heard this song, felt a tug at an old heartstring, remembered that 2 hour trek north,and was hoping that she is really happy in her life.