The Heart of Me

[LaneyDoll]

I share my poetry on FetLife already. But really wanted to share it where there are other poets present. Since I already follow poets here, I figured it was time to share things of my own.

~Please note: These are my favorite pieces and sometimes come from dark places. Writing is therapy for me. As I am apt to say, "I do not write happy."

I hope you enjoy...

[LaneyDoll]

Disenchanted by Laney

disenchantment: (English) Singular Noun (plural noun-uncountable) 1.the act of disenchanting or the state of being disenchanted. 2. freeing from false belief or illusions

You say I don’t exist
Yet I lie here in your arms
So how did I end up here
Once I fell for your charms?

All the times I wanted you
So close and yet so far
I could almost reach and touch you-
Like grasping for a star.

I listen to your heartbeat
And feel the breath you take,
I touch the warmth of your skin
As I lie here and I break.

But when you talk I hear you
And tears fall down my face,
When you say I that I’m not real
That I don’t have a place.

You gently kiss my lips
And run your fingers through my hair
So why did I feel these things
When I’m not even there?

To you, I don’t exist
And yet you held me tight,
As the moon left for the sun
And morning replaced the night.

[LaneyDoll]

Contradictions by Laney

For every moment in the sun,
There is one spent in the rain.
For every moment of pleasure
You suffer one of pain.

But the line blurs when you are here
And time starts to stand still-
And everything you give to me
Is everything I feel.

Good or bad does not exist
In all the times we share.
And happiness and sadness
Are neither here nor there.

My heart can sing in joy
Or it can weep in sorrow
But the subtle way you heal me
Means that I will always follow.

[LaneyDoll]

~Tattered~

The edges of the photograph were tattered from the constant handling of the print. It was the only tangible souvenir I had of her, of us, although I had bittersweet memories in my mind. But the photograph was my favorite refuge. I wondered what she would think if she knew the amount of time I spent with her picture. If she could feel my fingers lightly tracing the smoothness of her skin, or the strong outline of her jaw, or the fullness of her soft lips, or the dark beauty of her hair.

I wondered if she would think I was crazy because I wouldn't frame the print and preserve it; I had thought so myself. But to frame it would create a barrier to my longing touch, my imagined contact with her.

A haunting reminder, her picture allowed me to kiss her every night before I went to bed. A simple familiarity that soothed me by allowing me to escape into a world where she was mine and I was hers. A nightly ritual performed without fail, comforting yet eternally new. I feared that time would eradicate her picture. The oils from my skin, the moisture from my lips and the constant contact were surely damaging.

But I could never resist the lure of the tattered picture beside my bed. The only tangible souvenir of the most fulfilling love I had ever known. The delicate proof that a love, worthy of fairy tales, could exist. And it existed now, in the gentle touches and spellbinding caresses bestowed upon a tattered photograph, of the one who would always, even in absence, have my love.

[LaneyDoll]

"The Letter" is NOT mine. But it is the inspiration for "Tattered."

Dearest J,

Some times I feel there is a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. In the moon tonight, there's a circle around it-a sign of trouble not far behind. I had this dream of being whole-of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I have had my happiness. I want to believe it but, there is no man, J. Only that moon.

[LaneyDoll]

"In the Moment" by Laney


In the moment that you loved me
I found the hope I needed so
And when you took me in your arms
I prayed you'd never let me go

A lifetime of doubt in myself
Suddenly, I was free
And I found that freedom
In the moment that you loved me

In the moment that you loved me
I took a breath and dried my tears
And when night fell upon me
I had the strength to face my fears

All of the times I felt alone
Like a broken harmony
But you helped me sing again
In the moment that you loved me

In the moment that you loved me
I knew I would never cry again
And in a simple band of gold
I knew my future had began

Struggling in the chains I wore
Fighting to find the key
And you helped my spirit fly
In the moment that you loved me

[LaneyDoll]

"Fate" by Laney

Walking through both time and space
I am a stranger in my soul
Watching as life passes me
I've never had control

Faking interactions
With each person that I see
Do they know my blank stare
Hides a heart that wants to flee

Suspended animation
Of a mind that screams alone
Silent trepidation
Of a heart with love unshown

A sudden flash of intrigue
In a wanderer so blue
The promise of a better world
In the open arms of you

Tiny fragile moments
Held securely in my hand
The times I feel alone
Slip away like sand

In your love I find hope,
Someone I can trust
And glimpes of passion
The treasures of lust

So take my hand, walk with me
Through this world unknown
Perhaps in one another,
Our hearts will find a home

[LaneyDoll]

“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems... But all these stars are silent. You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them... In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me... You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

[LaneyDoll]

~She~

When she is away from me, I ache for her.

It is only in her presence, in her embrace, that I feel complete.

There is never a moment where she is not in my thoughts,
in my heart,
in my soul.

My first thought in the morning,
my last in the evening.

She brings magic to my dreams and fills my sleep with peace.

She is my world and my world is empty without her.

[LaneyDoll]

"Wrap Me" by Laney

Wrap me in your darkness
for I need it to feel secure.
Tell me that no matter what,
you will always be here.
Take these quiet moments
and fill them with your kiss.
Embrace me in your darkness,
for that is my only wish.
When you tell me that you love me,
you cut me to the bone.
Because the times that we are apart,
leave me restless and forlorn.
It seems that I cannot find you
and I'm wandering without lead.
But my heart knows you are with me
and you are all I'll ever need.

[LaneyDoll]

Delicate Darling Dance Deliberate Devil Demonize Dishes Death Deliverance



“Dance with me my darling,” she whispered into my ear.

The delicate sweetness of her voice was hypnotizing

A contrast to the devil that lived within her soul

Slow, deliberate movements around the kitchen

Where dishes sat drying and the smell of dinner still lingered

I could demonize her in my mind, turn her into a hateful fiend

But I could never find deliverance from the haunted memories

The tortured moments I endured since she had left

Now, with dry dishes on the counter and the touch of death still in the air

I closed my eyes and remembered the last dance we had shared.

[LaneyDoll]

Exhausted Stars Delicate Love Farewells Touch Mingle Photograph Dance


Exhausted stars would no longer weep for me
Delicate tears would no longer fall from the sky
A true love's farewells had long since faded-
Like a photograph ravaged by time

Surreptitious touches and captured kisses were gone
Replaced with the forlorn longing for "just one more" moment
One more time when seeming strangers would mingle casually
Hiding the truth behind masks of deception and lust

Like any dance, it would end but end sorrowfully
And after infinite nights of imagined intimacy
And endless days of heart wrenching sobs
Forbidden love would fade and exhausted stars would breathe again

[LaneyDoll]

"Pretty Little Girl" by Laney

Pretty little girl,
locked up in a pretty cage
Seemingly protected
from the hatred and the rage

Pretty lttle girl,
spoonfed tiny bits of care
But shunned in the moment
That someone else was there

Pretty little girl,
Barely offered any joy
Isolated from the world
As someone else's toy

Pretty little girl
Never wanted to be free
But still she fails the only one
Who ever held the key

[LaneyDoll]

"After A While" by Veronica Shoffstall


After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
and present's aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...

With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
To build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much…

So, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn…
with every goodbye,

You Learn…

[LaneyDoll]

"She Sleeps"

She sleeps and even then, she demands my surrender.

She sleeps and yet I still feel the love radiate from within her.

She sleeps and I move closer, because I know I am safe here.

She sleeps and my world is peaceful-our world, where we belong.

I can see my past, my present, my future; even while she sleeps.

[LaneyDoll]

From a friend of mine...

I was lucky enough to know a wonderful woman in Canada, she is the real deal astrologer and reader of one's life. She has made her living doing this for many many years. I asked her what 11:11 means. She was very excited to tell me.

In her words: "11:11 is a door, a bridge. Many people have seen this number in their lives when they are crossing into something. You will know when you are on the other side, because you will start to see other numbers, like 12:34 or 456, etc. This is a good thing and I believe the hard part of your life is over, and you are in for a nice life from now on."

On 11/11/11, at exactly 11:11 a.m. I made a wish for you. I wished for you to find a path that challenges you but also helps you find peace and happiness on your journey. I also wished that, at the point you were ready, you would find love and fulfillment.

I made that wish for you because I knew what you have been through, how you blamed yourself more times than you should have and how you has taken steps to improve your situation.

I made that wish for you because I truly felt, that out of so many, you truly deserved to have a moment where things began to shift, and in your favor.

I made that wish for you because I saw something in you-and what I saw, was everything you already were, what you possessed the potential to become and what you did not seem to see.

I made that wish for you because I felt a connection to you that, even in friendship, was enough to make me take a moment, close my eyes and make a wish for you.

And when I made that wish for you, it seemed to cycle back to encompass me and I discovered that everything I had wished for you...

Came true for me too.