Tips for Transitioning from an LDR to Living Together

[Nat]

I met M in Nevada just over 2 years ago, just after I'd turned in my 2 weeks notice and decided to move back to Texas. She had just enrolled in school, and I had just gone through a painful breakup. My grandfather had entered hospice care, and I wanted badly to be back in Texas.

We've both flown to see each other every chance we have gotten - summers, spring break, winter break, random weekends. I'm going to her family's Thanksgiving this year.

Assuming her classes are offered in the right order, she is planning to move down here this coming summer.

I've also moved out of state to be with somebody before, and it was a *very* difficult transition for both parties.

So my question here is for those of you who have successfully transitioned from an LDR relationship to a live-in in-person relationship.

For those who have moved (especially across state lines) and for those who have been on the other end - receiving the person into your home: What did you do to prepare and what do you wish you (and/or your partner) had done to ease the transition?

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Nat

I met M in Nevada just over 2 years ago, just after I'd turned in my 2 weeks notice and decided to move back to Texas. She had just enrolled in school, and I had just gone through a painful breakup. My grandfather had entered hospice care, and I wanted badly to be back in Texas.

We've both flown to see each other every chance we have gotten - summers, spring break, winter break, random weekends. I'm going to her family's Thanksgiving this year.

Assuming her classes are offered in the right order, she is planning to move down here this coming summer.

I've also moved out of state to be with somebody before, and it was a *very* difficult transition for both parties.

So my question here is for those of you who have successfully transitioned from an LDR relationship to a live-in in-person relationship.

For those who have moved (especially across state lines) and for those who have been on the other end - receiving the person into your home: What did you do to prepare and what do you wish you (and/or your partner) had done to ease the transition?

Good questions...

I have to start with a disclaimer since our transition from LDR to live-in was ultimately not successful...so what I'm saying comes from the "wish we would have" point of view. Whether or not that would have helped it work? Impossible to know. But, here goes...

When visiting for those long weekends, holidays, every few months things, it's easy to be caught up in the joy of seeing each other, the sex, the intensity because you missed them like crazy....and, as a result, overlook an awful lot of "little" stuff that becomes more critical when you're living together.

In hindsight, I'd really stop and think about the daily stuff....energy levels, early riser vs. night owl, food preferences, even if you want to eat at home vs. go out, TV preferences, frequency of sex, what kinds of things you want to do for fun, and how you each handle bad days, challenges and the "down" times....depression, pain, sadness.

It's easy to think that "love conquers all"....but the reality is that differences matter...and can wear on a relationship. It's easier to accomodate significant differences when it's for a weekend or week-long visit....much harder when it's day in and day out for months at a stretch.

For the person moving out of state...really think about how it feels to leave everything and everyone. I moved 1300 miles and, although very fortunate that my work is portable so I got to keep my career on track, I gave up the frequent contact that I was used to with my best friend, and the support system I had in place from more than a decade of neighbors, friends and co-workers. It wasn't a problem until I hit a serious life challenge....and suddenly I'm 1300 miles away from my support system, and basically know and can only lean for physical help on my (now ex) partner.

That's big...and I wouldn't take it lightly.

For both people....understand that this is a big transition on both sides, and be gentle and understanding with each other. Patience and kindness are beautiful things...and can go a long way towards helping in difficult transitions.

[CockyDude]

I did LDR with my 2nd wife for 12 months. We met physically after 4 weeks of talking and every 3-4 weeks after that while her children finished school. Yes, you get carried away by the physical; sex is almost constant because of the time between visits. But we tried to always make sure it was at least a 3 day visit. I also tried to make sure there was something going on we would attend; wedding, funeral (well, you're gonna have to be there for each other), pool tournament, bike run, friends' parties. Whatever was happening in my life so we could interact under as real and normal circumstances as possible. Likewise I flew down there (we commuted between Chicago and Dallas) for the same situations. By time she was ready to move, I had gone down to get the house ready for sale, she had been here to decide on certain house crap. The day of the move, as I pulled the moving truck loaded with her car on a trailer it just felt like we were simply moving to a new place. Unfortunately we only lasted 8 years, but the transition from LDR to living together was actually flawless. It took a lot of work, commitment and foresight but isn't that true of your entire relationship?

[diamondrose]

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

[Linus]

K and I ended moving in together nearly a year to the day that we started dating. For us we had more than the usual stressors: her sister had passed away unexpectedly 3 months before I had finally moved and I was dealing with challenges with US Immigration.

Now, I've spent the better part of my life moving so it's something I'm used to. Since I rarely got close to people unless they were work colleagues or on the internet, it was something I was flexible with. However, I was also starting my transition at this time and meeting up with a local trans masculine group helped me a lot.

Since K was already in NYC (and we rent -- it's near impossible to find a place that's decent to buy), she went looking with a broker I paid for. Since I had no credit rating and she was a student, her parents agreed to co-sign the lease. She had it pretty much ready for when I arrived. I had gotten rid of the majority of my bulky items except a few things that were important/antiques. Those things I kept in storage.

And I will re-iterate something that some have said: the challenge of a support net can be the thing that makes a difference. I won't lie. That first year we were together was hard. Damn hard. She had told me a few times that if I wanted to leave I could since dealing with this would be draining. And there were times but I figured if we couldn't deal with the big stuff, how would we deal with the small stuff? The support group was my immediate, quick support net that I could use if I needed to vent. I never did use it, oddly enough, but it was nice to know that I had it (ya know?)

It's hard for me, now that we're in Los Angeles, as it puts me farther away from family (who I see once a year or so) but life can be like that when you're mobile.

Anyways, I think I've meandered a bit too much. My point is this: both should be flexible and supportive when things do go wrong, moreso than usual. Moves are one of the top 3 stressors we face in life (divorce and death are the others, IIRC). It may be worthwhile to find a safety net for each other. Additionally, it may not be a bad thing for whoever's moved to visit home again once or twice a year.

[girl_dee]

LOTSSSSSSSSS of long visits and just observing the flow of daily life in the place you will be living.

If something bugs you now, it will intensify one billionth times when you move in together.

[Queerasfck]

I have successfully gone from LDR to living together. We just hit our three year anniversary. I was lucky because even though we were states apart, the distance wasn't that far, California to Arizona and I could do it in about 5 1/2 hours so we got to see each other quite a lot, so that was really helpful.

Money and a job are two really big issues to talk about and get squared away before you make the move. Start looking for work before you get there if you can. The strain of being out of work, having no money, and relocating is really, really hard on a relationship. That's a lot of changes at once. Thankfully I did find work in Arizona even though it wasn't the best job I had some money coming in. I had a small nest egg that disappeared pretty quick (probably because we had a dream vacation in San Francisco). Not the smartest financial move but it was awesome!!

Inevitably Arizona was not for Christine or I but I wouldn't change anything about the way things have played out. We are back in California again and we both are glad for that. We have a really good foundation I think in part because we do communicate pretty well, even when we're displeased with something the other person has done. Sometimes it's extremely hard work to talk about things, but you have to. You have to be honest and not hold grudges. We fit together like puzzle pieces.

Good luck Nat, I always enjoy reading yours posts!

[HoustonHuny]

I did it twice...neither one worked out, but I am not jaded. I am optimistic enough to believe that it could work. It was also fun while it lasted. I did enjoy the LDR very much!

What I did get out of one of them was a relationship for several years with the ex of one of my LDR's. Lots of fun times and memories.

So it was not all a bust.

[stephfromMIT]

Mandy and I have lived together for basically a year (August of '11) Our major "conflict" was our attitudes toward food and hobbies. I'm an unrepentent carnivore, and she's almost vegan. As to hobbies, I'm into lifting weights, and pounding a punching bag, Mandy's an avid runner. She lucked out because one of our HS pals is at Harvard Law School, so she has a running buddy in the neighborhood.

[Soft*Silver]

I have done it. And I also got burnt badly both times. However, I learned from those experiences. So, here goes:

time and presence. Make sure you have both and not too much or too little of each, for each other. Every new couple goes thru an emeshment time, a time of isolation and couple-bonding. However, for those who didnt get to date locally, this period can become very intense and that intensity can eat the novelty of the relationship away too soon. Novelty time is when you can inhale the other person and look at them with fairy dust in your eyes and fall in love. When you live together and havent had time to do the fairy dust time before reality sets in, it can dim the fairy dust.

money: yours theirs and ours. Make sure money matters are CLEARLY diagrammed. And dont merge all your monies together at first, Divide bills and other financial responsibilities how the two of you decide but maintain control of your money. At least at first.

Its amazing how much you learn about someone when you live with them. I moved in with B (not on nor ever was a member of any BF sites) and didnt know she liked to entertain close friends nude. No, really. Nude. Expect weirdness. But realize you have weirdness the other person has to acclimate to, too.

Did you meet each other's friends before you moved in? I didnt with one person and damn I wish I had. What do you do when their friends dont like you or you dont like them? Figuring it out once you've moved in together, isnt the best scenerio. However, if this is what happens, you will find out how committed your new partner is to your relationship, if not to you.

Find an activity you can do together. A hobby, a cause, a pet, something. But make sure its a mutual decision and not just what one person wants. I made my mistake by doing what *I* wanted, not what we would have liked to do together. (But, in my defense, the other person wanted to please me and agreed.)

Discuss small infractions to your senstivities. In other words, even tho you are in love and newly living together, they are going to piss you off or frustrate you or confuse you or scare you. Talk about these things or they will become dividers. They might be actual dividers but if you dont practice GOOD COMMUNICATION, things that shouldnt matter in the long run, will kill you in the short term.

Take care of yourself first. First. If you do this, you have enough to give the other person and you wont lose yourself being with them.

[girl_dee]

don't assume anything, talk talk talk and write it down!