On Maleness, MaleID/Trans Masculinity, Expectations and Being "Less of a Man"

[EnderD_503]

En lieu of the Kye Allums thread and some of the posts made therein, I wanted to start a thread on masculinity and maleness as it pertains to male identities and transmen (though this can also apply to those born biologically male and the expectations surrounding them), as well as the expectations faced as to what makes one "a man" in the modern world. More specifically, I wanted to talk about masculinity and maleness in conjunction with stereotypical feminine/female activities. People say that there is nothing wrong with a masculine/male/transguy enjoying certain traditionally "feminine"/"female" pursuits (quotations in order to emphasise that gendered pursuits are social constructs, not to attempt to make them appear lesser), or having certain characteristics, yet there still seems to be a subconscious distaste of men who perform/exist in certain spaces or express themselves in certain ways.

First of all, I just want to start by saying that bringing up some of these comments isn't me pointing fingers, trying to shame, blame or bring any such thing upon those who made similar comments or may have insinuated such suggestions. Some have taken this perspective who I have quite a bit of respect for, and hopefully they know who they are and won't see this as an act of disrespect. That isn't my intention. This is just my attempt at having a discussion about what masculinity/maleness means within the spectrum of male identities and transmen, and the idea happened to be sparked by that thread.

Yet, even up to this point with what I’ve said so far and what I’m trying to get at, I hesitate to even limit it to these two groups…if they can even be called two distinct groups to begin with…ok this plan is already failing, lol. Ah well, here goes nothing

One thing I wanted to address was the idea that a man/male/transman’s masculinity or "maleness" is somehow discredited or made less sincere if he traverses the realm of the traditionally male into the realm of the traditionally female. This may mean playing on a women’s team (in the case of those guys who were not born in male bodies and who have yet to start taking T), and more specifically wanting to play on a women’s team while not on T, giving birth prior to being on T, not taking steps to fully transition physically and legally to male while retaining a male/trans identity, stepping into female spaces or having more female friends vs. male/trans friends, enjoying using their female anatomy during sex (something, which I know is a disturbing subject for many of us, myself included, yet I still think we should avoid judging those who do as somehow lesser men/not legitimately trans/maleId), being attracted to/having sex with other masculine or male identities etc.

I guess part of the question is what does it mean to be male/a man/transman to you as a male/man/transman? What do you think it means within society, within the LGBT community and within various generations?

I think its time to challenge some of those meanings and perceptions, because I think they can, are and will be damaging to the present and future of those whose psychological sex is not congruent with biological sex. Being male is just as diverse as being female within the LGBT spectrum, imo, and should be respected as such, not alienated and demonised. I know that for a long time I didn't see this or understand this entirely, and only considered things male/masculine that I considered as such according to my own interests in congruence with my own identity, and according to my own experiences. But having witnessed the diversity within the trans/male id community, I ask why I even care that others aren't like me, consider male/masculine what I don't consider male/masculine, and why a guy gives birth, why a guy doesn't start taking T the minute he admits to himself who he truly is, why a guy has sex with other guys.

The truth is, I don't care, nor judge them, and I realise that all the negative thoughts/beliefs I had regarding guys (and this including biological males who were "feminine") who did these things when I was younger was because I somehow thought that their identity/expression would somehow damage my own worldview on what is male and female, masculine and feminine, and that somehow that would damage my own expression of maleness/masculinity.

Then I sat myself down, so to speak, and thought about why that was, the root of my self-identification as a male, why I had such an intense feeling of being male since as long as I could remember, and how that came together with my own, as well as society’s ideas on what is masculine/feminine. I, for the first time, really (and I mean really, not just a passing, "yeah, yeah I get it whatever" kind of thing that people say just to get others off their backs) understood that my "masculine" interests, expressions, communications, appearance and actions were not the source of that feeling of maleness. These things had nothing to do with being male/a man/whatever. It was just the process of identification that goes on in the brain, that many who are not trans/related id don't seem to fully get. When you picture yourself, think of yourself, you think "he," you have an image of a male. That male could look like anything, he could be doing anything, saying anything, it doesn't matter. That male could be giving birth, that male could be a football player on a men's team or women's team, he could be attracted to other men, he could be a construction worker, he could be the most "macho" or the most "feminine" guy on the planet…it doesn't matter what he does or where he exists, because in his brain his identification is male.

For some reason, when something pertains to the human brain, people think it is less legitimate than what they see in front of them. Yet science comes closer and closer to showing us that there is a reason for this identification of male/female/other, and that reason lies in the brain, which is gendered before a child is even born. So why can't we respect that?

Yet why do we see a transman as less legitimate if he’s given birth? As though somehow his individual expression has a negative impact on the way other transmen are seen? I was watching a youtube video a while back where one guy (biologically female, but identified as a man/male and fully nearly fully "transitioned") in his 20’s was saying that he was upset with the portrayal of the transgender character in the L Word (don't remember the guy's name since I don’t watch the L Word), and more specifically because the writers had the transguy become pregnant. I understand why this would upset many transguys, and the idea of such a thing happening to myself disturbs me greatly. Yet I recognise that it disturbs me because of my own identity…yet what does my identity have to do with the many transguys out there who have had children before they began their transition, or even after their transition?

Why does my masculinity have to rely on the masculinity of others? Why do others think it does? I certainly don't look down on them and don't see why anyone else should view them as lesser men, and don't see them as impacting my own masculinity or legitimacy at all. Why are we so adamant, in a community that claims to support gender fluidity and diversity, that everyone stick to certain so-called biologically natural roles. It seems that it's gender fluidity/diversity only within a certain spectrum…to the point where we even box up what constitutes as acceptable within the realm of fluidity and diversity. Flexibility/diversity only to the extent to which we are comfortable. Yet, to me, challenging these ideas is not about personal comfort, it's about understanding that change sometimes means you have to be painfully uncomfortable for progress to occur.

About a year or more ago, researchers found that they could create sperm out of adult female stem cells and eggs out of adult male stem cells (and viceversa, hence how it would help infertile couples, as well as same sex couples). The primary kink in the plan was that the female sperm would only be able to produce female children, due to the lack of a Y chromosome. Yet it seemed recently they were coming closer to being able to coax chromosomal mutation, from XX to XY. Many cried out that this was "unnatural," that it was "playing god." I disagree, and I don't think that anything humanity or any animal is capable of is "unnatural." If nature provides the tools with which to do it, then it is natural. Is what is "natural" (which is quite literally everything possible) really what is "good"? But what is "good," and according to whom and why?

What happens when male pregnancy is actually attempted and successful? What happens when biological females are able to produce their own sperm? What of transmen like Thomas Beatie? To me, it doesn’t really matter, because the original source of the sense of one's sex/gender is always there in the brain, and is disconnected, imo, from one's actions and crossovers into the realm of the opposite sex/gender.

I guess the main point is this: even if it is not something we would do, or the way we see ourselves, why should we negatively judge those who truly bend the barriers of the binary so many claim to reject? Again, I can't help but feel that it is related to the liberal "push the boundaries, but only push them so far" approach.

Definitely interested in hearing of other guys journeys regarding their own sense of gender/sex in relatation to others etc.

Thoughts?

[The_Lady_Snow]

wanna know what I get fucking tired of

Hearing how fucking disturbing my sex is or the sex that guys choose to have with their partners if it doesn't fit the fucking right kind of guy sex box.

You want to have a candid conversation about this subject how about you stop saying sex is disturbing just cause you can't wrap your fucking mind around it.

Unreal!!!!

I say more power to guys who like to be fucked, and I say more power to guys who like having sex with guys, it's not disturbing it's people enjoying sex.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

wanna know what I get fucking tired of

Hearing how fucking disturbing my sex is or the sex that guys choose to have with their partners if it doesn't fit the fucking right kind of guy sex box.

You want to have a candid conversation about this subject how about you stop saying sex is disturbing just cause you can't wrap your fucking mind around it.

Unreal!!!!

I say more power to guys who like to be fucked, and I say more power to guys who like having sex with guys, it's not disturbing it's people enjoying sex.

Did you mean to post this in this thread?

[BullDog]

Men/males who act or present themselves in ways outside of what is considered to be socially accepted for men/males are seen as "less than" (feminine) because this is a sexist world where men are way over valued over women. It's sexism.

[Jesse]

Yet it happens in the queer communities very often.

Originally Posted by BullDog

Men/males who act or present themselves in ways outside of what is considered to be socially accepted for men/males are seen as "less than" (feminine) because this is a sexist world where men are way over valued over women. It's sexism.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Tranzman

Yet it happens in the queer communities very often.

Yes, queer communities are also full of sexist attitudes.

[Apocalipstic]

I am very interestrd ion knowing ay what point men become Men. Is it when they say they do?

What separates men and women?

Is there a difference?

If men can play on womens teams and have babies...is gender important at all?

I sincerely am asking.

[BullDog]

To me, the question of whether a man should play on a women's basketball team has nothing to do with being viewed as lesser than a man for doing so. So I don't place that in the same category as say, a man who likes to knit or is sexually submissive or other types of activities which often makes men seen as less than.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am very interestrd ion knowing ay what point men become Men. Is it when they say they do?

What separates men and women?

Is there a difference?

If men can play on womens teams and have babies...is gender important at all?

I sincerely am asking.

I'm happy you brought this up, apocalipstic! I think the questions you've asked are questions often asked by many in society as well, and sometimes I think they are spawned by fear of an unknown future, or perhaps living in a world where they no longer have a clear use of definitions/categories that have been present for centuries and longer. Or maybe it's just not being able to grasp how we would interact as people. I don't know.

As far as men becoming Men, in my opinion a man is a man when he thinks it. Being born thinking one's gender/sex isn't a choice. It isn't a "today I become male/man," and that's part of the reason I have issues with the term "transition." Thinking myself as male is not a choice I made, nor a choice others have made. I had no more choice in it than a biological male who takes for granted that his brain and body are united.

A person doesn't necessarily just transform into their gender/sex with surgeries and hormone therapy. They always were what they were no matter what he or she underwent to physically change, and that is not dependant on what others think of the person. But it can be painful to see and hear what others think of them as far as their gender/sex. Young trans children don't often question their gender until they are forced to question their gender by society, which usually happens at a young age. When someone is male despite their biologically, they simply are male. They don't become male. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The problem is that society is dependant on the visual, when what identifies him as male when he first begins to be conscious of his sex/gender is psychological.

So in modern society there are two processes of "being": 1)what a person understands/know/considers of themselves, 2)what the rest of society sees/acknowledges/believes. That's where the problems start, imo.

As for what separates men and women, I think that question is becoming more and more complicated. There is always an exception, and the more we learn the more we realise that exception to the rule isn't alone. To me, the only thing that might be said to separate all men (biologically male or otherwise) from all women (again, biologically female or otherwise) is the way the brain interprets itself. Does it inherently understand itself as "she" or "he" or something else entirely? What does it picture when it pictures itself? The mind always knows what it is, but at some point the body catches up (or in some cases it can't due to individual circumstances) and only, then, does the average modern person recognise the individual as they've always understood themselves to be.

Is there a difference? I think people like to create more differences than actually exist. Yes, there are physical/biological differences between those born female and those born male. But man and woman are abstract concepts, imo, unlike claiming someone as biologically/neurologically male or female. And even male and female are becoming abstract as the scope of what humans are capable of technologically continues to change, not to mention as we become more and more aware of the complexity of the human brain and human gender and sexuality. I think the "differences" differ from individual to individual.

As far as your last question, my question is: should gender be important at all? Do we even need to say "gender is important/not important." To some people it is, to others it isn't. I think a big part of the reason why many of us here consider it important is because society often refuses to recognise us as we are.

I know why exploring, writing and speaking about gender is important in the modern age where there is still a lot of discrimination and misunderstanding, and I fully support and participate in that. But should gender, in a better, more ideal future, be important? Why should it be important if/when, in the future, everyone is accepted as they are? Or, I guess what I mean is: does gender have to be important to everyone/society at large? To personalise it: I know myself to be male, inherently (in that I know inherently, not that I am inherently biologically male, since, unfortunately, I wasn't born the way I would have wanted). I think about it a lot today and consider it an important part of my life today, yet when I think about why, the answer largely revolves around the fact that I've spent most of my life not being recognised as male. That is why it became so important. Because I didn't have school programmes telling me about my gender/sex and sexuality in school like most others around me. Because discrimination and misinformation and invisibility still exists in society.

If the world didn't make judgements about us, would we have to spend so much time thinking about the importance of our gender? I don't know, I've never lived in such a world.

Ultimately, the sum of a man/transman/male is not that he has given birth, or impregnated another, or slept with someone of the same/opposite sex/gender, or done whatever it is he's done. It's who he understands and knows himself to be beyond all the additional interests, preferences and actions that have been gendered by human society. Those gendered factors don't make a man a man...if that were enough then every tom boy in the world would be a man/boy because they have traditionally masculine interests, or might not want to give birth, or whatever it is that makes them stereotypically incongruent with what is "female/feminine." But they don't, and they aren't men, at the end of the day, because they don't identify, recognise or understand themselves as such.

Again, hopefully I'm making some sense.

@Bulldog:

Many transmen have said both publicly and privately to me they don't think a man should be playing on a women's team and don't understand why they would want to in the first place. I don't think it has anything to do with them thinking anyone is less of a man at all. To me they are recognizing the privileged aspects of it. I totally get why men would want to play sports with other men. It makes sense to me.

Co-ed sports- I have seen rather dismal results, although I think theoretically it could work. I have seen co-ed softball teams where there are rules on how many women must be on the team and field at one time. The women are stuck in right field and other places less likely to see a lot of action. They play the minimum amount of innings and when the ball is hit their way a man jumps in front of them to catch the ball.

Many transmen may have said this to you. It may make sense to you and others that men would want to play sports with other men and not women. It is still possible for a transman/male id to feel otherwise, even if the majority don't feel that way. I don't think those who don't feel the way the majority do should be judged or shunned from women's teams because they feel differently. They do exist. My question is: if there is a transman (not on T) who prefers to play on female teams rather than male teams (despite that other transmen may not feel the same way), why is it a problem? If he is more comfortable among women than men, why would he be disrespectful of his female teammates? I don't think this disrespect is a rule.

The example of jumping in front of the ball, placing women where they'll see the least amount of action is often based on the premise that women aren't naturally athletically inclined and would miss/not perform properly etc....I don't see why a transguy/male id who was not on T would even do these things if, hormonally, he is on an even playing field with his teammates beyond what innate ability he may or may not have been given, or the product of dedication to practice. Obviously, everyone on a top notch team is dedicated to the sport, so it's not as though there are unwilling participants who don't give it their all.

Someone who is on T is a different issue, imo, since testosterone accelerates the rate of strength/speed/muscle gains, despite that there are female athletes who could match the strength/speed of many male athletes (though often they have to worker harder to get there).

[EnderD_503]

LadySnow, I think you didn't get my point. While I admitted that I found certain things disturbing to myself according to my experience and identity, the whole point of my post and thread was to say that I, along with others, should be challenging what they find disturbing, asking themselves why they feel this way, and that they should stop using the actions of others as the marker by which they create their own gender. That we should effectively cease to see certain people as "lesser men"/"less masculine" just because of the way society/one's surroundings and personal perspectives has come to formulate what is masculine/feminine/male/female etc.

So yes, you are absolutely right, however, I think you took one part of my post out of its context since that is not what I was saying at all. Please see my comments in the context of the entire post.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

wanna know what I get fucking tired of

Hearing how fucking disturbing my sex is or the sex that guys choose to have with their partners if it doesn't fit the fucking right kind of guy sex box.

You want to have a candid conversation about this subject how about you stop saying sex is disturbing just cause you can't wrap your fucking mind around it.

Unreal!!!!

I say more power to guys who like to be fucked, and I say more power to guys who like having sex with guys, it's not disturbing it's people enjoying sex.

[weatherboi]

i think this conversation might fair better if we take the aspect of sex equating maleness out of it and equate all around behavior and decision making to maleness. also, i am certain we can all agree that assigning gender to life activities doesn't really work in this community either. take the physical away and focus on mental. like values, ethics, morals and all around building blocks that lead to a life that embodies a good person male or female.

when i started mentally recognizing my maleness it came in the form of studying the other male role models around me. i knew at a very young age that a good person in a male body works hard, treats people with respect no matter who they are, has faith by giving the benefit of the doubt to the fellow human being, shows loyalty to friends and family, and goes down fighting no matter what. when i got older i learned certain social ettiquettes among guys, little unwritten rules of engagement when out and about. this to me is what has helped evolve me into the guy i am today...mentally.

my masculinity certainly doesn't rely on the acceptance of my peers. what some other transguy or male id'd person thinks of my maleness really holds no weight with me. what holds weight with my fellow peers would be that they find me trustworthy, loyal, a person of my word, and all around good person that has an intention to make a positive impact.

when speaking of the ick factor Ender wasn't talking about his revulsion about his body. he was talking specifically about guys that have learned to have a healthy relationship with there bodies as a"disturbing". this is a very strong and negative term to use when describing others. he admitted it himself. now i personally dont give a shit what others think of my preferences but if we are gonna have an honest conversation lets not admit to something then take it back, because the problem doesnt lie in the fact that i am ok with my female parts, the problem is people judging me for it and finding it "disturbing". i am personally proud of the fact that i took control of my female body to enjoy it while i have it.

i read Enders post as denigrating transguys/male id'd guys that are ok with their body parts and using them during sex, not Ender denigrating ffemmes,females, or female id'd people.

i was born in the wrong body, but i am not the type of man to be held back by that because my body doesn't define me.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

i think this conversation might fair better if we take the aspect of sex equating maleness out of it and equate all around behavior and decision making to maleness. also, i am certain we can all agree that assigning gender to life activities doesn't really work in this community either. take the physical away and focus on mental. like values, ethics, morals and all around building blocks that lead to a life that embodies a good person male or female.

when i started mentally recognizing my maleness it came in the form of studying the other male role models around me. i knew at a very young age that a good person in a male body works hard, treats people with respect no matter who they are, has faith by giving the benefit of the doubt to the fellow human being, shows loyalty to friends and family, and goes down fighting no matter what. when i got older i learned certain social ettiquettes among guys, little unwritten rules of engagement when out and about. this to me is what has helped evolve me into the guy i am today...mentally.

my masculinity certainly doesn't rely on the acceptance of my peers. what some other transguy or male id'd person thinks of my maleness really holds no weight with me. what holds weight with my fellow peers would be that they find me trustworthy, loyal, a person of my word, and all around good person that has an intention to make a positive impact.

when speaking of the ick factor Ender wasn't talking about his revulsion about his body. he was talking specifically about guys that have learned to have a healthy relationship with there bodies as a"disturbing". this is a very strong and negative term to use when describing others. he admitted it himself. now i personally dont give a shit what others think of my preferences but if we are gonna have an honest conversation lets not admit to something then take it back, because the problem doesnt lie in the fact that i am ok with my female parts, the problem is people judging me for it and finding it "disturbing". i am personally proud of the fact that i took control of my female body to enjoy it while i have it.

i read Enders post as denigrating transguys/male id'd guys that are ok with their body parts and using them during sex, not Ender denigrating ffemmes,females, or female id'd people.

i was born in the wrong body, but i am not the type of man to be held back by that because my body doesn't define me.

I have read Ender's post several times and don't see where he does this. Can you point to the sentence? It's a long post so I feel like I'm missing it.

I see where he says that for some transguys and himself included that using their female anatomy for sex can be disturbing. I am reading that as how he feels personally based on how he relates to his his own body and that it's a sentiment that others he knows have a similar feeling about....

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

i read Enders post as denigrating transguys/male id'd guys that are ok with their body parts and using them during sex, not Ender denigrating ffemmes,females, or female id'd people.

I had seen that aspect that you speak of Weatherboi but also thought I saw an ick factor about female bodies in general but I just re-read and now I don't.

It's a long post and hard to retain everything. There's nothing wrong with long posts, but it makes it hard to keep track of everything. So, anyway I do believe I was mistaken about the ick factor of female bodies in general and I apologize for that.

I still think Ender is mixing apples and oranges with bringing a man playing on a woman's basketball team in with some of the other things he is discussing.

I really didn't have any negative feelings towards the transman Thomas Beattie having babies myself. They seem like a sweet family, and I certainly don't feel he is any less of a man for having babies. I guess some women feel it is an integral part of being a woman and feel it is intruding on that. I personally don't feel that way, but then again I have never given birth or wanted to.

I agree with Nat. The main reason why the gender man, along with male and masculinity, is so heavily policed is due to sexism (unequal value of men and women).

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

like values, ethics, morals and all around building blocks that lead to a life that embodies a good person male or female.

I was thinking about this and how it applies to my day-to-day. And also how it can apply to some of Ender's original post...

I play a lot of poker. Unfortunately, 90-95% of the other players at the tables are men. I say "unfortunately" because I would really love to see more women playing......but that's a whole other topic.

There is no shortage of assholes at a poker table; those of you who play regularly will most likely agree. I don't say much when playing, but I do speak up when inappropriate or off-color comments are made......or if I feel someone at the table is bullying someone else (in some way other than just poker play).

It is *rare*.......extremely rare......that I'm met with support or with the offending party apologizing to whomever he was speaking. More often than not, I get comments like......"Oh, are you the table captain?" "What? You can say whatever but I can't?" (That one never makes sense because I'm not usually talking at the table.) My favorite of late... A young guy got knocked out of the tournament, stood up and said, "Somebody knock Mr. Cool out over there."

When all of this is going on, I get that "hot" feeling.......kinda anxious. I don't like confrontation, but I *despise* hateful, sexist, or racist comments. To be honest, more than anything else it is usually bullying types of behavior that I see. Regardless of what it is, I don't ever want any one person to feel he/she is standing alone.

And I think about it all after the fact... I wonder what these other guys are thinking when they're sitting there spitting and wanting to rip off my head. I wonder if they think I'm a candy ass.....or a goody-goody....or...."less of a man".....because I'm not chiming in on whatever happens to be the hot topic. And not only because I'm not chiming in but because I speak to the contrary when I feel they've crossed a critical line or when, more importantly, someone else at the table now feels threatened or unsafe.

[EnderD_503]

Ok, wow, there is a lot that has been written here that I really touch on and clarify. A few people have made some assumptions about what I wrote, so I want to quote myself to clarify my own words from my original post.

To address weatherboi’s assumptions about my post:

when speaking of the ick factor Ender wasn't talking about his revulsion about his body. he was talking specifically about guys that have learned to have a healthy relationship with there bodies as a"disturbing".

This isn’t what I said nor intended to imply at all, actually. I admitted no such thing as far as my current beliefs. I assume you are referring to this portion of my original post:

enjoying using their female anatomy during sex (something, which I know is a disturbing subject for many of us, myself included, yet I still think we should avoid judging those who do as somehow lesser men/not legitimately trans/maleId)

To clarify, my use of the term “disturbing” here is not saying that I am disturbed by other transmen/male identities using their female anatomy during sex. Within the greater context of my post (honestly, it seems like people saw that one snippet and stopped reading, because I actually clarify this later on), it is meant to say that the notion of using the anatomy I was born with during sex disturbs me, not that others doing so disturbs me. Due to the fact that I feel an extreme disconnect between the anatomy I was born with and the anatomy my mind thinks should have been in its place, I feel a sense of violation or potential violation against my physical self if I am forced to think of my female anatomy being touched during sex.

Even writing this to explain it to you is painful and, yes, disturbing for me (though not because I think it disturbing for others to have that preference, but simply because on a personal level it brings me a lot of psychological turmoil), but I understand that I need to in order to clarify.

I also understand that for many FtMs and MtFs and related identities, anything that acknowledges the anatomy they were born with or using that anatomy that they feel disconnected with is disturbing to them. I am trying to take this feeling (that is familiar among many who experience some kind of disphoria) as an example of what I was trying to combat with my original post.

I realise that a part of my post is me telling my story, and that may be confusing for some people, so let me get to the end conclusion, and one of the primary points of this thread. Again another quotation from my original post (put parts of my response in brackets):

Yet why do we see a transman as less legitimate if he’s given birth? As though somehow his individual expression has a negative impact on the way other transmen are seen? [Which I do not see it to be, but this was brought up in the Kye thread, where there were people who stated that when a transman acts/does such things as give birth or existing in the realm of women/females, he is somehow keeping other transmen from being taken seriously. This was all written in that thread by various posters, this isn’t me making things up off the top of my head] I was watching a youtube video a while back where one guy (biologically female, but identified as a man/male and fully nearly fully "transitioned") in his 20’s was saying that he was upset with the portrayal of the transgender character in the L Word (don't remember the guy's name since I don’t watch the L Word), and more specifically because the writers had the transguy become pregnant. I [/I]understand[/I] why this would upset many transguys, and the idea of such a thing happening to myself disturbs me greatly. Yet I recognise that it disturbs me because of my own identity…yet what does my identity have to do with the many transguys out there who have had children before they began their transition, or even after their transition?

That is really the climax, I guess you could say, of my entire post, and my thoughts on my own evolution, as well as many of the comments made in the Kye thread. That certain things happening to my body disturb me because of the way I personally see myself, identify myself. However, I recognise that this has nothing to do with other people, and only myself. How others identify, and how they choose to present their own bodies, use their own bodies, and interact with their own bodies is separate from what I do. I actually state many times throughout my original post that I hold no negative beliefs, opinions or judgements whatsoever as far as what an individual chooses to do with his/her body. My point is that we should all be overcoming certain objections we have to the way people live their lives, express themselves, identify, the decisions they make and realise that it's not what they're doing, but our own insecurities.

@Bulldog:

But Ender also throws in things like a man playing on a woman's team. When I read transmen's comments on that, I saw them as recognizing the privilege involved and also as a man they would want to play with their peers- not that they saw Kye as less of a man for playing on a woman's team. To me those are two entirely different things.

That you talk about transmen and so on wanting to “play with their peers,” this is, once again, limiting a man to an area that he should, according to a binary, feel he belongs in. That his male sex/gender determines that all men/males are his peers, while women/females are not. A transmen/male identified individual on a female team is not necessarily not playing with his peers. By claiming that a transman/male id is not within his “peer group” by playing on a female team, one continues to divide rather than allow people to unite. Why can a man not feel like he is among his peers when he is among females/women while still considering himself a man? This is where I want to momentarily come back to what I was saying about really feeling and thinking one’s self as male, versus stereotypical masculinity. A male who is born in a female body, yet who can only think of himself as male, does not necessarily need to relate best with other males. He can still be male in mind, “transition” fully to male physically, change his legal status to male, while still feeling he is at home among women. That is what I mean by stripping maleness down to simply the gender/sex one has always considered one’s self to be inside one’s head.

Let’s look at this forum as an example of what I’m talking about. It’s been said before that men who are born biologically male and who identify as men/male are not welcome here, yet FtMs, Transmen, Male identified folks who were born with female bodies in general, MtFs, Transwomen, Female identified folks who were born with male bodies in general, as well as those who lie somewhere in between are welcome here (as far as I’m aware, Medusa/Jack/mods correct me if I’m wrong). How do these spaces differ? Should the male identities here who reject the word “trans” as an identifier and who simply see themselves as male (yet still queer and within the b/f dynamic) leave? Are they less trans/male because they are participating on a forum that is largely female/woman identified? If they feel more at home here than on a forum geared toward heterosexual males?

Also, I wanted to clarify that my statements with regards to how I view my own body are not stating that I believe the female body to be inferior or bad or anything negative. There are MtFs who feel similarly about discussing/recognising their male anatomy. It’s the recognition of certain anatomy that don’t feel right that make a person feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure you realise how painful it is to have to wake up every morning and look at a body that isn’t you. To feel totally trapped by it. To have everyone around you refer to you as a man/woman/opposite of what you are then laugh at you for thinking otherwise, using your own body against you as “proof”, calling you crazy when you tell them you are not what they say you are. When I use the word "disturb," it really is because this kind of existence and the feeling of violation that accompanies it disturbs me, not the way others live or exist.

About the length of my posts, sorry but it’s not a topic I want to risk short general statements about. They’re long because it takes a lot of explaining, and if people don’t want to read them all the way through, please don’t just read a sentence and think it represents the post as a whole.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

@Bulldog:

That you talk about transmen and so on wanting to “play with their peers,” this is, once again, limiting a man to an area that he should, according to a binary, feel he belongs in. That his male sex/gender determines that all men/males are his peers, while women/females are not. A transmen/male identified individual on a female team is not necessarily not playing with his peers. By claiming that a transman/male id is not within his “peer group” by playing on a female team, one continues to divide rather than allow people to unite. Why can a man not feel like he is among his peers when he is among females/women while still considering himself a man? This is where I want to momentarily come back to what I was saying about really feeling and thinking one’s self as male, versus stereotypical masculinity. A male who is born in a female body, yet who can only think of himself as male, does not necessarily need to relate best with other males. He can still be male in mind, “transition” fully to male physically, change his legal status to male, while still feeling he is at home among women. That is what I mean by stripping maleness down to simply the gender/sex one has always considered one’s self to be inside one’s head.

Ender I never said men and women couldn't be peers or couldn't play sports together. I don't think a man playing sports with women is less a man than a man who plays sports with men.

Many transmen have said both publicly and privately to me they don't think a man should be playing on a women's team and don't understand why they would want to in the first place. I don't think it has anything to do with them thinking anyone is less of a man at all. To me they are recognizing the privileged aspects of it. I totally get why men would want to play sports with other men. It makes sense to me.

Co-ed sports- I have seen rather dismal results, although I think theoretically it could work. I have seen co-ed softball teams where there are rules on how many women must be on the team and field at one time. The women are stuck in right field and other places less likely to see a lot of action. They play the minimum amount of innings and when the ball is hit their way a man jumps in front of them to catch the ball.

Even in mixed gay men/lesbian volleball play I have seen the men jump in front of the women to make a play on the ball.

Again, none of this has to happen, but it often does.

I do agree with you that a man does not have to always relate best to men. I see men who most of their close friends are women. This is also something that doesn't surprise me.

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by Mister Bent

I am in full agreement that no one should denigrate "female" (or male, for that matter) regardless of how horrific is their personal experience, that's a case by case situation, and those "trans guys" should be educated.

I don't participate much in these threads anymore because it feels like I'm supposed to pull down my pants, or talk about deeply personal shit in order to validate my experiences. It's GROSS, man and I'm not doing it.

Originally Posted by weatherboi

my masculinity certainly doesn't rely on the acceptance of my peers. what some other transguy or male id'd person thinks of my maleness really holds no weight with me. what holds weight with my fellow peers would be that they find me trustworthy, loyal, a person of my word, and all around good person that has an intention to make a positive impact.

i was born in the wrong body, but i am not the type of man to be held back by that because my body doesn't define me.

Thank you both for saying what usually comes to mind when I start reading similar threads/posts. I'm not defined by others and I'm not defined by my body. In the outside world I am confronted daily about conforming to what others have chosen for me. It wears a person down. Somedays are better than others. Inside of me I hold on to my inner peace of knowing, believing in myself even when others question or confront.
Although we may not be exactly alike, my brothers here give me encouragement to battle on in the difficulties we have in the outside world. For that I thank you both, and all of you, those I know and those I don't.

[Martina]

the gay transmen i have talked to, most of them are happy to have vaginal sex. One i know doesn't. These are guys dating gay men, men not that used to vaginal sex. Also, lots of the gay transmen i know are way into getting fucked in any and every way that feels good. They like sex a whole lot, and if it feels good, they are into it.

i also find that in this town, the majority of transmen i meet are gay men. Perhaps gay men struggle less with these issues? i don't know.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

my masculinity certainly doesn't rely on the acceptance of my peers. what some other transguy or male id'd person thinks of my maleness really holds no weight with me. what holds weight with my fellow peers would be that they find me trustworthy, loyal, a person of my word, and all around good person that has an intention to make a positive impact.

when speaking of the ick factor Ender wasn't talking about his revulsion about his body. he was talking specifically about guys that have learned to have a healthy relationship with there bodies as a"disturbing". this is a very strong and negative term to use when describing others. he admitted it himself. now i personally dont give a shit what others think of my preferences but if we are gonna have an honest conversation lets not admit to something then take it back, because the problem doesnt lie in the fact that i am ok with my female parts, the problem is people judging me for it and finding it "disturbing". i am personally proud of the fact that i took control of my female body to enjoy it while i have it.

i read Enders post as denigrating transguys/male id'd guys that are ok with their body parts and using them during sex, not Ender denigrating ffemmes,females, or female id'd people.

i was born in the wrong body, but i am not the type of man to be held back by that because my body doesn't define me.

great post

[Thinker]

Ender did come back in to clarify, and I'm not sure if it was missed or not (pasted below).

We are all going to misunderstand, misinterpret, and just plain miss what others write here. I think if the person comes back in to explain more fully, we should give credence to that.

I've read Ender's words several times now, and I'm missing the offensive parts. I see him speaking his truth and then explaining how he looked at *why* that was his truth. I also see him explain how he has had his mind changed about a lot of what he thought before....that what was true for him once is not anymore.

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

LadySnow, I think you didn't get my point. While I admitted that I found certain things disturbing to myself according to my experience and identity, the whole point of my post and thread was to say that I, along with others, should be challenging what they find disturbing, asking themselves why they feel this way, and that they should stop using the actions of others as the marker by which they create their own gender. That we should effectively cease to see certain people as "lesser men"/"less masculine" just because of the way society/one's surroundings and personal perspectives has come to formulate what is masculine/feminine/male/female etc.

So yes, you are absolutely right, however, I think you took one part of my post out of its context since that is not what I was saying at all. Please see my comments in the context of the entire post.

Thanks.