Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[Medusa]

I wanna hear em'!

[Bit]

What? Nobody's started yet?

I'll be back after I walk the doglet.

[Darth Denkay]

I'll bite...

Let's see, for many many many years I didn't understand the distinction between sex (biological) and gender (social construct/emotional/mental). When I was younger (elementary age maybe) I knew I was a lot more like the boys but didn't really know what that meant. And at the time I don't think it really mattered much. I was seen as a tomboy, allowed to do what I wanted, so my sex wasn't really much of an issue.

My first sense of being a little two different was during middle school when all my female friends went ga-ga over guys and I was feeling it - this ga-ga thing - for the girls. This was my first sense that all was not right with me. I knew enough not to talk about it. This was when I started to get some pressure from society (although not from my parents) that maybe I should grow my hair out, try a little make-up, and it wouldn't kill me to wear a dress once in a while. Course the idea of wearing a dress - to me - did almost feel like it could be fatal. In any case, I didn't do any of these things that I was supposed to do as a girl, and life still wasn't too complicated. In my mind I saw myself as the 'romantic partner' of the girls. Lots of crushes, lots of fantasies - about lots of girls - I was definitely a fantasy stud. At this point it really wasn't sexual for me - this was in the 80s when sex was really uncommon until high school, but I was definitely feeling something 'more than friends' towards a lot of female friends. Of course, at this point it really worked in my favor because I went to a few slumber parties - oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about!!!!

It was during high school that things really began to become an issue. I still was completely uncomfortable with the thought of makeup, dresses, long hair. On occasion I wore a dress, very rarely, just when Mom said that I really had to (weddings I remember were one such event). I did wear pants and button-ups to church - my mom overall totally let me be me. It was sometime during high school that I found a label that seemed to describe me - lesbian - but it wasn't something I talked about to anyone. This was also the time when my sex/gender became an issue for me internally. Puberty brought on changes that illuminated the difference between myself and the boys - it made it much more difficult to see myself as one of the guys. Thing is, I still really couldn't see myself as one of the girls either. What the hell was I???????????

In college I came out as gay. Overall it was a really positive experience, and removed some of the pressure to look like a girl. Even so, it didn't really relieve my internal sense that something wasn't quite right. I knew that beyond being gay, I was still really different than others of my sex. I also accepted the gender binary - I had to be either a girl or a boy. I felt a lot more like a boy. So here began the thought that maybe I was supposed to be a boy. I knew a little about transsexuals and wondered if that was what I was. It was a really scary thought for me, because while I had other gay friends and lots of supportive straight friends, I knew no one who was transgendered, and somehow that just seemed like a really horrid possibility.

After college I read a book by Fausto-Sterling - Sexing the Body. This was the first time I had any exposure to the possibility that gender was distinct from sex and might be more than just male and female. This was an amazing thought to me. I read what I could find on it, and although the books gave me somewhat a sense that maybe I wasn't a total freak, I still knew no one else like me.

It was 1999. I was 26 years old. I met a woman who identified as a femme. I had no idea what that meant. We became good friends, and through her I learned about this community called butch-femme. She explained a lot, and from there I hit the internet. I found a web-site that would change my life. I found others like me. I learned that gender really was so much more than male and female. I realized that transitioning was not the only option I had. I realized I didn't have to defined by my physical sex.

During the ten years I was involved on the site (for the first 5 years only as a lurker) my gender has shifted. I started as a lesbian who was uncomfortable with gender, who didn't understand my own. I claimed butch as my gender because it recognized - celebrated - my strong association with masculinity. I added trans because while I didn't feel like a woman, I also didn't feel totally like a guy either. I found a place where I wasn't in a box, where my gender was my own to define and describe as it fit for me. I also stopped identifying as a lesbian, for two reasons. One, I no longer identified as a woman so really wasn't a lesbian. Two, I knew that my attractions were towards a specific type of woman - a femme - and that many femmes did not identify as a lesbian either. I comfortably identify as gay (although within the butch-femme community technically I'm attracted to the opposite gender, which would make me straight...but that's an entirely different thread).

I have no plans at this time to transition. I do want chest surgery - at the very least an extreme reduction if not complete removal. In this way I guess I am uncomfortable with my female body. Beyond that, right now, the rest is okay.

My sex = female - biological
My gender = trans butch - because it's who I am

[Darth Denkay]

Okay folks, I wanna hear your stories. I didn't write mine out for my health. So come on, get with it! Seriously though, we all experience an evolution of gender. Even straight folks do but they never have to actually pay any attention to it. So butch, femme, however you identify, you better share. Don't make me have to be a mean little ewok (remember, we defeated the empire, don't fuck with us)...

[atomiczombie]

As early as 2 years old, I hated the dresses my mom would put me in to go to church. I never liked all the girly, frilly things in my bedroom or closet. I can remember at 3 years old, my favorite shirt was a beige sweatshirt with bugs bunny on it. With that and jeans and sneakers, I was totally me. At age 5, the winter olympics were on and Dorothy Hammil, the famous figure skater was on tv. I can remember my mother saying how she liked her short hair, and I told my mom I wanted my hair short like that. I was allowed to get my hair cut short for the first time in my life, and I loved it. I was often mistaken for a boy by strangers, which I loved too.

Later that same year, (1976) I finally figured out that I wasn't really a girl. I had crushes on little girls in my class at school, and ran around with the boys when they let me. I coveted my brother's toys and hated the barbies my folks got me for christmas. I began announcing to anyone who would listen, that I wanted to be a boy. The reception of this news was met by either dismissal, laughter or shame. My mother told me I wasn't a boy, that I was a girl and that was that. I was silly to think otherwise, and told to stop such nonsense. My heart was broken.

I remember in first grade, crushing on this little girl with long brown hair in my class. I opened doors for her, pulled out her chair and scooted her in to her desk, and followed her around like a puppy. One day, I boldly confessed to her that I loved her. Many people found this amusing, however my teacher did not and called my folks. I was lectured to leave her alone, so I did. My heart was broken again.

I resigned myself to being a girl with great sadness when I hit puberty. I quit playing little league baseball and was pressured to conform to the gender expectations of my sex by everyone in my life. I was made fun of by other kids, particularly my older brother, and no longer tolerated as a "tomboy". So, I grew my hair out just to get people off my back.

When my body began to change, I was horrified and miserable. Growing breasts, hips widening, new body hair, menstruating; it all was sickening to me. I hated it. But there was nothing I could do. I still refused to wear dresses, and wore jeans and androgenous clothes as much as possible, but the pressure to be feminine was HUGE. I think this was the first point (but most definitely not the last) in my life when I thought about suicide. I was so depressed. But I decided that what I felt and wanted just wasn't important to anyone, and my only value in life was connected with living up to other people's expectations of me.

So I tried to conform. I tried to wear make-up and act like my female friends, to fit in. I fell in with the drug-using crowd and got high to escape my misery. I pretended to crush on guys, all the while lying to myself about my real feelings. I ignored and suppressed my true self in order to survive my teenage years. By age 15, I was drug-addicted and cutting myself. I swallowed a whole bottle of prescription decongestants and slept for almost 20 hours, awakening to the worst headache ever and wishing I had never awakened at all.

Long story short, I went to an in-patient drug rehab and psych ward, where I was diagnosed bipolar. Then next 10 years I was clean of drugs and alcohol, but miserably depressed. In my mid to late 20s, I finally saw a therapist who helped me process all the painful things that happened in my life. At age 28, I began to talk about my feelings for girls, that I had repressed for so many years.

I finally came out as a lesbian at age 29, and met my future wife that year as well. I fell madly for her and although my hair was still long, our dynamic was clearly butch/femme. I didn't have a name for it at that time, but as I was more involved with the gay community, I began to see that some other gay women had a similar dynamic. By age 31, I was finally able to embrace my masculinity and call myself butch. Cutting my hair and shopping in the mens department was very scary, but insanely liberating. A great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I felt so much better about me. My wife, however, did not feel the same. She eventually asked me to grow out my hair again and said ugly things to me like, "if I wanted to be with a man I would be with one." This and many other issues eventually led to our separation in 2005. Our divorce was official in 2006.

After the end of my marriage, I found a new freedom. And, I found the butch-femme community online and in the SF bay area, where I lived at the time. It was here, in this community, that I learned that sex and gender were not the same and that many people like myself considered themselves transgendered and preferred male pronouns. That totally resonated with me. As I began to hear the stories of other transguys, I realized that so much of their stories were my story too.

In 2006, I told my very good femme friend Nicole and my buddy Sugar, that I preferred male pronouns. Nicole immediately announced that I needed a new name, and went to work thinking of one for me. She tried out a few that I didn't like, then one day left a text message on my phone. It said she thought of the perfect name for me: Drew, and that I had to say yes to that one because she already changed my name in her phone to Drew, LOL. I thought about it for a while. I found myself sitting at my desk at work and practicing my signature: Drew Nelson. It seemed to fit. In December 2007 that became my legal name.

My journey continues. I am determined to start testosterone at the beginning of this next year. I want to have chest reconstruction surgery, and I'm currently trying to figure out how to raise the money for it. I am grateful to everyone in the community for helping me with my journey, and I am on my way to being the guy I was always meant to be.

[MrSunshine]

I was just born like this. Imagine mommy dearests surprise.

[Jett]

My story starts much the same way as many other butches.

I had a strong aversion to dresses, somewhere in my mid singles digits the was a red velvet dress my mother bought for Xmas's. My strongest memory regarding that (perhaps my only) is the moment I'd have to enter the celebration/s... standing outside the doorway of my room with that dress on feeling extremely sheepish like I'd just come out in a Hefty Cinch Sack garbage bag. The only dress I've worn since that was a skirt I wore to my grandpa's funeral when I was seventeen, he always said he'd like to see me in a skirt... well better late than never.

But for the most part I would wear tee shirts and jeans... although I was apparently able to talk my mom into one pair of "little man pants", slit back pocket type semi dress pants but she eventually managed to kidnap them back. And I remember well the first time I was able to wear a suit. I was at my grandparents home and I was able to get my hands on my grandpa's suit and put it on, and despite my grandparents making "O" mouths (which emitted a similar sound) I remember feeling very "right". After that I'd dress as a hobo for Halloween just for the suit. When I was 11-12 I wanted to dapper up so I wanted to go as a pimp... didn't fly with my parents... besides my brother didn't want to be Ho' to my Pimp so it wouldn't have made much sense anyway.

I spent most of my youth riding mini bikes, my first a Honda 50cc I cherished, subsequently upgrading as I grew. I begged for cowboy gun holster sets, slingshots, creepy crawlers, Tonka Trucks for xmas... and I got them. I had crushes on little girls about the same time I realized I was going to be expected to marry a man.

As a teen I was rebellious as hell, a bad girl, spent time in a girls group home, eventually drug rehabs in attempts to get me to fly straight. But I definitely can't say my parents were strict and actually had divorced by the time I was 12 so I was just living with my mom anyway and that equated to living on my own even when I was there. At this point I had begun to de-evolve I guess you'd call it... began to try to assimilate into expected gender roles as far as hair and clothing... leather and lace... and dating males though I still had flings with females at the same time I was bringing the guys home to appease the rumblings of the deity, the Great Mom.

When late teens arrived it all started to change... I had come out at 17 and at 19 cut my hair into a neat crew cut and started dressing more masculine again, and I started to calm down a bit though I'm still known today for a wild streak. I started actively seeking out the lesbian community and found it, for the most part they were supportive though I had gotten the "butch is out" statements which stung but I ignored because I was just finally trying to align my outside with what I'd always felt inside and find some equilibrium of body and mind... shit I'd never really even seen or heard of any other butches at this point. I grew up in an upper class Midwest conservative as hell city where the big ha ha was to greet someone with "So where do you work, the Mayo Clinic or IBM". So most people conformed like Stepford wives, even the lesbians for the most part.

Which brings me to the first time I saw another butch, I was like maybe 22 and at a queer event, her name was KT. I knew immediately we were kin and sat and drank brew and talked all night. I did eventually meet a couple other butches in my mid and later 20's (aside from the one graying B-F couple who always sat alone safely away from flailing arms of the lesbians doing the Macarena). One butch I'd seen across the room a few times and finally introduced herself by coming up to me at a queer function and handing me a book "Stone Butch Blues" before saying "Hey, I'm Sandy". Again we we're kin, and through the years she was always looking out for me, not that I needed it but she always made it feel like she was... it was like what big brothers/sisters just do.

And life goes on this way, I had many relationships with women, but inside I was still on the outside looking in on a main community and culture to which I felt a foreigner. But when the world went online so did the queer scene and I quickly took advantage of a major queer chat site. They had Butch Femme rooms and I made some friends... some who I ran back into years ago on B-F forums and who are on this site today. I met my lady in those B-F chat rooms so though I say gak.com I'm so big woot to those days of chat.

Anyway in this I started to learn more about other butch masculine "identities" (further than what I had sitting around by myself in the "what/which am I's"). I was able to take what applied to myself and leave the stuff I just wasn't feeling. It gave me a feeling of community and culture I hadn't gotten from growing up in a world where I was an anomaly and the closest thing to me (wasn't even close) was a standard issue andro (gender neutral) lesbian brandishing fanny pack, cargo shorts, golf visor planning the next big potluck night (don't get me wrong I like potlucks... and lesbians *s*). But in this new queer online world I was appreciated for who I was not feeling depreciated.

My evolution at that point was already pretty complete but it allowed me to hone my language in a fashion that better able me to describe who I am... even if mainly or myself. I also had to slowly evolve within this culture, not as adaptation but rather a continuation of what I'd already been doing my entire life. Just like previous evolution there's been stumbling blocks along the way to understanding my butch identity. I found myself first trying on what seem to be the most fitting shoes, and avoiding diligently even looking at that odd pair out that eventually became mine... and after accepting comes growing comfortable enough to wear them publicly. Not everybody's going to like them, and they're definitely not the most popular ones in the store... but I never was one about fitting in.

I do still feel even in B-F I'm a bit on the outside looking as one who can't ID as either or, woman or man... and what's hard for people to accept or understand in terms of binary gender can be just as hard to accept understand in yourself and that it's easy to try to reject in a moment when internal phobias creep in and you want seek safer haven. But at the end of the day, you can only dance in shoes that fit you no matter the song or venue.

So after recent internal pot banging wake up call, I've gained internal acceptance of who I am, something I'd acknowledged before but I'd let myself smother for a bit... now I just need to learn to feel more "fabulous" in those shoes.

I am an Androgyne (overly gender-full not gender neutral, big difference) Stone Butch, I strongly embody both male and female.

For all intents and purposes the words as an ID to wear as some subcultural badge mean very little to me, I just am... they're not important except very in having a hold to grasp after years of rocking about on a boat where everyone else seems to have a reserved seat... to explain to those who know me enough to and genuinely want to know more about me and maybe just a way to say with words... hey... I am, like it or not I and won't hide it.

Well that and it doesn't hurt my feelings that coincidentally my being visible in it is like a fork in the eye to the binary system.

Metropolis

[daisyfm]

i played dolls with girls mostly. i always played with the girl doll and handed the "boy" dolls to my friends. my friends seemed to be carefully chosen, either athletes or tomboys. go figure. the games were always about the dolls being married to each other. go figure. looking back i am sure i freaked out some of my lovely friends in those early years.

[WolfyOne]

Funny I should see this thread after coming from chat. I was telling someone in there that I was once asked me years ago to write about what it was like coming out in the 70's. I just looked through some old poetry pads and found the story I did, but never finished. Perhaps tomorrow I'll share what I wrote because I may never get around to finishing it.

Thanks for the thread Medusa, I'll be back to read and hopefully add something.

[Write14u]

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!