"End Game" for butches : )

[dykeumentary]

I made this video today.
I thought it might be funny, and spark a conversation about the particular issues that come up when Butches suddenly have health problems.



[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G923L6aPyk"]When A Butch Dyke Dies (a series of questions) - YouTube[/nomedia]

[Sweet Bliss]

I hardly find it funny. This raises issues that we may face at any time in our lives.

Can't find my calm voice right yet. Will come back when I can be more composed.

Your YouTube presented this as happening to you. If so, I will send healing energy to you, with your permission of course.

Namaste

[Nat]

I think these are reasonable things to wonder and worry about. I've been to a butch funeral where the butch was put in a dress and the femme who nursed her through 3 years of cancer wasn't acknowledged at all. I think death planning matters to some more than others, but I would feel more comfortable making and maintaining a plan with those you trust.

As far as the indignities of living under hospital care - I would think being butch would totally compound them. I do wish we had better advocates in hospitals.

I like the "don't die" plan best. But I also try to let my loved ones know my most adamant wishes regarding my own death. (Example: no preachers at my funeral!) Some of us get a heads up and many of us don't - there are things I want clear no matter when things come to an end.

And **hugs** if you'll have them.

[Gemme]

I see this is in the Butch Zone. Hope you mind our femme perspectives.

For me, I lean the same way Nat does.

1. Make a solid death plan (aka make it legal 'n shit)
2. Communicate said plan to all possible parties
3. Don't die

I think if you work on those things, it may help make the day to day indignities a bit easier to deal with.

Good luck and speedy healing!

[Parker]

Watching the video and reading Nat's post actually made me open up a dialogue with a close, trusted friend of 10 years about being my medical power of attorney and beneficiary of my will and life insurance.

When I was in WA, it was a good friend of mine, but she is in poor health and 2100 miles away, so I set it up to be my sister. But she doesnt really know me, so would my wishes be respected or would something else be done/decided re: my medical, after death, etc decisions?

So after talking with my friend, I am changing over my medical POA (advanced directive) and insurance beneficiary and will executor information to her. She's a good strong femme woman who wont let my family bully her into doing things she knows I wouldnt want (and she'll get rid of my butch "stuff" if necessary )

Incidentally, I have a copy of my medical POA with my medical record at the VA, but I also keep a copy in a lock box at home as well as a copy in my truck should I get into an accident and end up at a non-VA hospital. I also carry an "ICE" form in my wallet with emergency contact info, info about my dogs so that if I am in a hospital someone knows to check on them, info about my medical POA and its location, etc.

Whether we're healthy or sick, these are all things we probably hate thinking about, but things we need to think about - especially as gay people - and most especially as gay people who may live with their significant other in a state or country that does not have marriage equality yet.

If everything is written down and notarized and you have a medical POA and a will, things *should* be done according to your wishes. Hopefully.

Thanks for bringing it up - I feel much better about the person I have chosen to represent me should I become incapacitated.

[julieisafemme]

Thank you for sharing this. It is scary to be in the hospital. Having dealt with Mom, and then immediately after her death, my spouse in the hospital I think the most important thing we can do is have someone there as an advocate. We all need advocates in our medical system!

The body and gender issues were difficult for Greyson. For the most part the staff were very respectful but sometimes they had to be reminded to use the correct pronouns. We went in and talked to all the managers after his stay in a big meeting. It was kind of scary but I am glad we did it and especially that Greyson agreed to share his experience as a Transmasculine butch.

I hope you will come out of your experience healed. Don't die is a great plan!

[MsTinkerbelly]

How very brave of you, thank you for the reminder!

These things came up when my kasey was in the hospital, and they probably come up when other butches face sickness and death. I advocated for my honey but what about others like Nat said who have families that don't get it?

Hmmmm i need to help my butch prepare in case i'm not around....

Be well

[PoeticSilence]

I was recently in the hospital, I don't know if it was a life and death situation, but it definitely was a "we might have to remove your legs" situation and it was serious and painful and tiring. I'd been in the hospital a few years before after a heart attack so I was a little more in control of myself ... but still, it wasn't the same.

I identify as Butch, but I don't identify as male. I should make that clear up front because maybe it makes a difference. I might wear mens clothing and legally changed my name to Ronnie from Ronda, but if you call me Sir on accident I'm not going to flip out, it's just not necessary. I'm a human being and that's enough recognition for me as to who I am. I'm a human being.

My hospital/doctors/nurses recognized my marriage to my wife and included her during conversations and kept her phone number on the pain board in case they needed her.
I wore boxer-briefs during my stay and it wasn't an issue for anyone.
The nurses had trouble wrapping my legs and allowed me to call my wife and then watched her after she drove up there (outside of visiting hours) while she did the wraps and decided she was better at it so they left that part of my care to her.
They never held her to visiting hours and even would have allowed her to stay overnight if she wanted.

I live in Nebraska, which is a very Republican state, and they don't recognize gay marriages still, but you never would have known it with the staff that worked with me. Even my follow-up doctors and therapists worked with my wife. I really feel they considered my dignity and writing this right now, I'm a little ashamed to confess that I haven't even thanked them properly for it, because I know it wasn't the "norm". My wife and I went to a lot of trouble to do what we could to cover our asses legally regarding our marriage, and so far my experience has been that outside of government workers that still have some ... red tape issues ... we are treated like any other couple in nearly every situation we have encountered.

So there is hope. I think you just have to be the one to work a little harder, because others in the past have paved the way.

[Sweet Bliss]

Think everyone has covered the bases on this topic.

Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Thank you for bringing up the topic.

[Okiebug61]

Red and I have everything pre-arranged. It was one of those things we did together to make sure there would be no surprises or worries. We even have a travel plan where no matter where we are if something was to happen all arrangements are handled. We both believe in cremation so the attire does not matter. No matter one's age death is final no matter when it comes. Red and I are happy we made the choice to get it handled upfront.

[Scots_On_The_Rocks]

I understand the intent you were trying to get at, and there were some poignant questions raised in your video. These are all things those of is outside societal and gender norms must face and think about. Not sure I am jiving with your presentation as that it presents those thoughts and struggles in a very diminished and dismissive way, but that is just my take.

So, back to the topic at hand...

As to me, as a male identified butch, I have covered my bases as best I can with a living will, advanced directives and having had many discussions with loved ones about my wishes. And while I am sure all my wishes will be honoured by those in my life, really there is no concrete proof or guarantee that my wishes will be honoured and carried out....but at that point it is really about my last moments being filled with dignity.

Anyhow, I hope that answered your general question.

[Tuff Stuff]

It's all planned.My family knows what to do with me if suddenly I end up on life support..don't leave me like that.I want to be 100 years old some day and be healthy and sane,but I don't see myself living past 55 years.I don't want to be a burden on my lover or my family and my wishes are never keep me on life support where i'm some fucking vegetable with no life and they force feed you with tubes and shit and there is no chance of a normal life left..let me die.Afterwards cremate my body and bury me in the family cemetery.Everything is written up in my living Will and all expenses paid for.Come to think of it,living up to 100 can also be a burden on others...I sure as hell don't want to end up in some old folks home..cause you know,with me,that is likely to happen..I don't want to be a burden on anybody,period.And the idea of being old and senile..okay,maybe I don't want to live to be 100 years old,maybe 75 or 80 years old.So real it's not even funny.

[dykeumentary]

Glad to see this important topic revived.

In a strange twist of fate, I'm now my mother's caregiver as she dies. It's been fascinating to see my mom's medical team try to figure out how to deal with a loving butch-dyke daughter.

[iamkeri1]

My FTM husband died almost 13 years ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. We were legally married. (well it was legal where we got married, but not in Florida, where we had moved to before his death.) I won't go into the pain and hassle and PAIN I went through because of the stupid laws in existence at the time. Thank the universe for the changes that have now been accomplished for us all .

Really the main thing I want to say is this. We were together for 25 years, and friends for 7 years before that. We had talked about death, who would go first, what kind of life preservation we were comfortable with. how the funeral should be handled, all that stuff. After his death however, I could not for the life of me remember any of his wishes. Funeral or no? burial or cremation? None of it. To this day I have never been able to remember what he wanted. Trauma erased it from my brain, I guess. So take the advise of other writers above, and WRITE IT DOWN.

Smooches,
Keri

[dykeumentary]

That is so sad, iamkeri. I hope in the time since your husband passed, you've found some peace.

I am so glad that I have Mom's wishes WRITTEN DOWN because we live in an area where people feel they can question my judgement and authority to make medical decisions about my mom becuase of their negative opinions about my gender expression, which for them equates to my sexual preferences too. So I have to keep the notarized paperwork with me.

I've never seen them ask to see the legal documents with straight white men. They just assume he's doing everything right.

So yes- get it all written down!