Asking the Femme's for help!?!

[Jedi]

Originally Posted by PlatinumPearl

What kind of work did you do for her? Are you able to retract the work or revoke her rights to access the content until she provides payment?

I do have everything and will not be letting her have any of it. I was making a website. I am going to delete it and not transfer it.

[C0LLETTE]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I did say I was too nice for too long. But I did finally set the boundaries I needed to and she got mad.

In that case, what kind of answer/help are you asking for? How would any Femmes here be able to give you advice beyond what you already know?

You want advice on how to prevent her from being "mad" at you?
OK, let her walk all over you, she won't be mad at you anymore.

[Jedi]

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

[C0LLETTE]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

Basically claiming a stake involves driving a "capped steel posts, which must be four feet tall" likely through your forehead so it can be seen by all.
I doubt that this is a practice reserved for Femmes.
Don't you think that relationships are healthier when people actually want to be together and both of you project a relationship that isn't up for grabs without that big thing sticking out of both your foreheads.

You know, it's really not that hard to do if you actually believe in your relationship and don't "flirt" with risk that you KNOW might be trouble.

[randomnotes]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

This may sound weird but was she southern? It's fairly normal here in the South to say ”babe” and ”hon” ”sweetheart,” etc. To strangers even. I hate it. Intend to call everyone ”sistergirl” or ”brother” in place of that. Since I'm from Texas we also interchangeably say ”friend.” whenever someone calls me ”hon” or ”sweetheart” especially a man I have to refrain from going off. I tend to let it slide but look visibly uncomfortable. If it continues I will usually crack a joke ”I’m no sweetheart I'm full of piss and vinegar” etc. But sometimes (especially with those significantly older than me) it doesn't work.

Now my amazingly handsome butch wife, she has a number of female friends that call her bae, babe, wifey, or sweetie. And I do not care for it. Not one little bit. Especially when she refers to them in the same way (which I find really weird because she literally never refers to me as any of those names preferring my actual name or occasionally babe). But we've been together seven years now and I've learned to let it go and just roll my eyes. I know who's bed she's going to be in at night. And I really don't think her friends (pretty much all heterosexual) mean anything by it. It's just weird. So I probably wouldn't overthink the hun part.

Now the Walmart part is ridiculous, in poor form and just plain rude.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

She probably does.

The way she acts looks like it to me. Not getting ur hints etc and especially not respecting ur relationship.

Id say cut ur losses, delete the website and block her from ur life.

[C0LLETTE]

For once, in a long time, I think JDeere makes total, absolute sense.

..hiya JD!

[PlatinumPearl]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I do have everything and will not be letting her have any of it. I was making a website. I am going to delete it and not transfer it.

Don't delete it sell it. People are always buying websites.

[C0LLETTE]

If the website has shitty memories, don't stand around trying to sell it like a fishwife. Unless you think you own gold, cut bait and move on...how much is that worm worth anyway?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Jedi

OK....I'm not sure how to even explain this whole thing but here goes.......Femmes I need answers as to why other femmes act the way they do. And I just wasn't happy being disrespected. OK here goes the story......there was this femme that I have known for many years but just online and there was never anything between us except friendship as far as I knew. Well when we met I was single. But that isn't the case anymore. She insisted on calling me Hun and Babe even when I requested she stop. I was told that was how she talked. This femme is very high maintenance and expects to be catered to. Now I agreed to do some work for her which she kinda took as a free line to me whenever she wanted. Now I'm not much for talking on the phone. and this femme would insist it was business and we just HAD to talk etc. It really just ended up being over an hour of my time wasted on nothing. And she was impossible to get off the phone once she was on.

Now all this behavior was sending me the signals that she was trying to stake some claim to me that she has no right to. Am I wrong in that?
I mean she was very into talking all the time and taking up my time and I spent a good amount of time doing work for her. I have seen NO payment for any of it.

Now this fall we met in person and spent a day. She met my gf and everything. She was high maintenance all day which really wears me thin. Then she stopped at Walmart and I opted to wait in the car. When she finished shopping like 45 min to an hour later she threw a fit that she was disabled and legally blind (meanwhile she's driving all over in a rental car)etc. But I needed the break and wasn't going to apologize for it. Another red flag to me. I ain't your butch! Since I haven't been paid at all, I started setting boundaries with her as to how I would communicate with her. This ended our working relationship. Now I'm still owed total payment which I'm not holding my breath for.

Tell me.....did I miss read this whole situation? I think I was just too nice for to long.

I am not sure what her motives were or were not. Was she from the South or has she ever worked in food service? That explains the language.

I don't even know what to say about Walmart. I did not think we were supposed to shop there. lol. That alone would have put me over the edge.

Getting mad like that and going off? definitely a red flag. You do not deserve that.

I might be difficult to get off the phone myself, so I will not speak to that...l

The business thing, maybe make it more serious and have a communication memo or something that states exctly how you need to be communicated with for business.

Sorry this happened to you sounds stressful.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Jedi

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

Jedi, so sorry this happened!


Femmes btw, IF any of you's are looking to stake a claim, I'm more than available!

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by homoe

Jedi, so sorry this happened!


Femmes btw, IF any of you's are looking to stake a claim, I'm more than available!

While you sound sincere and adorable, I hope you don't mean that you seek the kind of attention Jedi described! That doesn't sound healthy at all.

I hope you don't think I'm presumptuous in speaking for you, but I would like to suggest to my femme sisters that Homoe is seeking to be claimed by a POLITE someone with GOOD BOUNDARIES.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

While you sound sincere and adorable, I hope you don't mean that you seek the kind of attention Jedi described! That doesn't sound healthy at all.

I hope you don't think I'm presumptuous in speaking for you, but I would like to suggest to my femme sisters that Homoe is seeking to be claimed by a POLITE someone with GOOD BOUNDARIES.

Exactly Cheryl! Thank you

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Jedi

OK....I'm not sure how to even explain this whole thing but here goes.......Femmes I need answers as to why other femmes act the way they do. And I just wasn't happy being disrespected. OK here goes the story......there was this femme that I have known for many years but just online and there was never anything between us except friendship as far as I knew. Well when we met I was single. But that isn't the case anymore. She insisted on calling me Hun and Babe even when I requested she stop. I was told that was how she talked. This femme is very high maintenance and expects to be catered to. Now I agreed to do some work for her which she kinda took as a free line to me whenever she wanted. Now I'm not much for talking on the phone. and this femme would insist it was business and we just HAD to talk etc. It really just ended up being over an hour of my time wasted on nothing. And she was impossible to get off the phone once she was on.

Now all this behavior was sending me the signals that she was trying to stake some claim to me that she has no right to. Am I wrong in that?
I mean she was very into talking all the time and taking up my time and I spent a good amount of time doing work for her. I have seen NO payment for any of it.

Now this fall we met in person and spent a day. She met my gf and everything. She was high maintenance all day which really wears me thin. Then she stopped at Walmart and I opted to wait in the car. When she finished shopping like 45 min to an hour later she threw a fit that she was disabled and legally blind (meanwhile she's driving all over in a rental car)etc. But I needed the break and wasn't going to apologize for it. Another red flag to me. I ain't your butch! Since I haven't been paid at all, I started setting boundaries with her as to how I would communicate with her. This ended our working relationship. Now I'm still owed total payment which I'm not holding my breath for.

Tell me.....did I miss read this whole situation? I think I was just too nice for to long.

Originally Posted by Jedi

I was asking if she had ulterior motives. I have been told that some femmes are that way. That they have to stake their claim on a butch. I'm not available for any femme to do that but my gf. She is the only one who has a right to stake any sort of claim.

I agree with Cheryl and Collette.

Here's the truth as I see it: you're a pretty easy going person that doesn't like to rock the boat and was genuinely trying to help someone....she's out for what she can get.

I'm from the South and the 'hun', 'babe' stuff is bullshit. Yes, it's part of the language but when you directly told her it made you uncomfortable, that should have been the end of it. IMMEDIATELY. When it didn't happen, you should have given her an ultimatum. If she crossed that line again, and it was very clear that she would and did, you should have cut ties. Again, immediately. And permanently. It's physics; every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This can be applied to your situation in that she was able to repeatedly cross the boundaries you set because you allowed her to and did not create firm repercussions for the discretion. Honestly, some people need a firmer touch to get the point across.

IMO, and this is coming from someone who completely totally and absolutely adores your GF and would squish her into a billion bits of artsy joy if I could, I find the other person's actions completely disrespectful of not only you but your GF and of your relationship with her. That alone would have caused me to brake hard. No one puts Baby in the corner and no one disrespects my partner and relationship when I have one. Hard pass!

As for the phone thing, I have a customer who has a brother that will keep her on the phone forever too. He also makes her feel like crap. I told her to just hang up on him if she sets a boundary..."I only have 15 minutes to talk"...and he blows over it...to say "Time's up; I have to go" and hang up on his ass.

No one can take what you don't freely give. Even if it was because you were trying to be nice or trying to suck it up for a paycheck in the end, you were being disrespected. Your love was being disrespected. Your lover was being disrespected. Your choice to continue to allow that behavior without consequence only encouraged it.

So, to answer your original question...yes, you were being too nice for too long. Yes, she had ulterior motives. Furthermore, yes, this could have been nipped in the bud if firm boundaries had been laid down, with real and finite consequences outlined and then followed through upon when they were ignored.

People treat you how you let them treat you. Sometimes that means being an asshole to protect yourself from being used. You just have to think about what's worse...hurting their feelings (if they have them....this person sounds very manipulative) for a moment or hurting yourself and your loved one in the long term. I guarantee you've spend more time fleshing this out then she has.

As for the website, if you still have it and can sell it or parts of it, do it. Making money was a reason it was designed, right? Get what you can out of it and get rid of the rest. Cut ties with this person, immediately and permanently. They are bad juju.