Breaking it down - describe the Femme that you are

[FemmeTastic]

I always knew I wasn't like the other girls when I grew up.

At age 6 I already knew I wasn't getting married ever, and never wanted to have children either, of course, at the time I believed that marrying is something I could only do with men. Things in my perception have changed since then, and I was very happy to say yes to my handsome butch love of my life last year As a little girl, against all hopes of my mother to not raise me stereotypically female, I preferred the dolls, the glitter and the dresses over the toy train, balls and pants. She had been raised to be a girly girl and hated it, and promised herself to not do that to her own daughter one day, but I ended up being the girliest girl you could imagine, entirely voluntarily.

At age 12 I happened to watch my first movie with Butch-Femme-dynamics, (Bound - has been a favorite ever since. You might wonder, how did I get my hands on that movie at age 12, well, I grew up in Colombia and went to visit my uncle, he and I wanted to watch a movie so we went to rent one. Medellín being the criminal city it was back then, all the video rentals were closed with bars, so you had to ask for a particular movie or a genre, and they would go and find it for you and hand it to you through the bars. We asked for a mafia or thief movie hahaha, and they gave us Bound) and not even knowing of the existence of the word lesbian, at the sight of the Femme I felt admiration and a feeling of "I want to be as beautiful as her" and at the sight of the Butch, I got red glowing cheeks and for the first time felt something like arousal.

At age 17 I bravely went to lesbian parties all by myself, dolled up and wearing high heels, only to be called hetty by the other guests. Over and over again. Sometimes being refused entrance to parties with the words "Sorry this is a lesbian party". At age 18 I made the decision to never change who I am, despite the exclusion within the lesbian community; I decided to be true to myself, which is being as feminine as it gets! I proudly continued to wear my dresses amongst the feminists who would condemn me for it, accusing me of "emulating the heteronormative ideal of beauty". And despite their judgment, I continued to be an active feminist, and didn't allow my sense of beauty to be manipulated, not from straight folks and certainly not from my own ranks.

I get a lump in my throat when someone speaks disparagingly of Butches and female masculinity, when the kind of humans that happens to be one of the most beautiful to me, is under attack, I hurt. I defend Butches in their absence when that happens, although I wouldn't have to, although I get offered a bitter pill of recognition, in the form of a "compliment": "You don't look gay at all, that's really cool, I mean, not like those masculine lesbians, that's so unattractive, who wants to walk around like that."

I'm the femme who despite the looks of men which I find to be encroaching and uncomfortable, doesn't downgrade how she styles herself. My makeup, my clothes, my hair, my gestures, my movements, they are all what the masses think is some sort of act to enchant men, when it is, in fact, the absolute opposite ... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity. Woman, in the traditional sense, is to me a female that sees herself in any way in relation and contrast to man. I don't. Men as a sex don't play a role in my life. I have a few male friends, but they aren't an energy I need. My sexuality, my lifestyle, my identity, my feelings, my acts and my thinking, do not incorporate men.
Genderwise I see myself not as the counterpart to man, but to Butch.
Therefore, to me, being Femme means to remain childless. I have a different form of femininity, motherhood does not belong to me. Please understand that I'm trying to explain my gender here, I am by no means saying that a mother can't be a Femme and viceversa. Not. at. all.

I see other Femmes as my sisters, as allies rather than competitors. I can rarely have friendships with Butches because they touch/move me on a sexual, intimate level. I naturally keep a distance from Butches with whom I'm not in a relationship, affair or flirting. I can recognize a Butch with just a glance. It's the way we look at each other when we meet by chance, it is a look that says everything, and makes me feel, even if only for a moment, at home. Such moments can nourish me for years, can comfort, soothe and heal me when once again I am being marginalized on a lesbian party with words such as "what is the barbie doing here? She lost?". Or if macho lesbians grab my butt. Or grab me against my will and press their body onto mine. These moments with Butches that are marked by so much appreciation and respect, help me to remember that we exist. Although we are rare.

I am a self-sufficient, strong person. I am emotionally, financially and mentally able to provide for myself. I don't need anybody to organize my move or to screw my shelves to the wall, or to work on my tax return or to make decisions for me. Only for the cruelty free removal of spiders, that's where I take all the help I can get
My appearance is at odds with the perception people outside the B/F-community have of me. I come out in an endless loop. Again and again and again do I have to explain why I don't want to have a husband, why is my partner so masculine, why do I not at least have a girlfriend as feminine as I am...
In a world that doesn't understand any of that, I continue to follow my own heart, my own core. Undeterred by all which is thrown in my face.
Being Latina doesn't help. I have literally no Latinx community left. Being a VERY feminine woman in Colombia is expected. When I show up with my Butch partner, the looks are unbearable and make me ashamed of my community, so I want to spare my partner their bigotry.
I like my Butch to be very masculine in the way she carries herself, I love a deep voice, and a very masculine clothing style. I love the contrast between her and me. I'm very territorial when it comes to my femininity and I love how my partner doesn't show the slightest interest in any of my girly things. Not my make-up, not my perfume, not my clothes, not my jewelry.
Before coming out to myself as a Femme in relation to Butch, I used to identify as lesbian and dated lesbian women, who were sometimes only slightly less feminine than I am. It always felt wrong, it often felt like I was doing something unnatural. For ages I believed I had a severe case of internalized homophobia, until I finally understood that I wasn't feeling natural, because I just simply hadn't allowed myself to really go for the kind of person that made my knees weak and took my breath away: Butches. Ever since I stopped dating androgynous and more feminine lesbians a couple of years ago, I feel like my inside and my outside finally match. I feel like the budding flower of my soul finally bloomed.

Other than that, I'm of course packed with a thousand different qualities good and bad, but they have little to do with the Femme aspects of me, and are more about the human aspects of me. So I'll save those for another thread and another occasion, especially given the length of this post.

Thank you beautiful Femmes, for sharing your stories, your emotions and experiences here, you're such a beautiful bunch of people, reading all those entries has made me feel so proud to be a part of the Femme tribe, has made me feel honored to be amongst such gorgeous human beings.