Internalized Homophobia

Soon · 05-14-2010, 10:20 PM

I don't think there is a thread on this subject.

I remember when, in my first queer relationship (31, I am 40 now), I used to say to everyone (even her), I am not gay!; it is a fluke!; she is special!; I am not REALLY GAY; I am NOT a lesbian! But I LOVE YOU!

I was in love and didn't want to claim any terms (at that moment).
My first female lover would joke and say...that's ok, I'll be the gay/lesbian one! (reminiscent of tshirts that read, "I'm not gay, but girlfriend is!) She didn't mind my shying away from the *lesbian / gay* terms).

I think that was me..trying to still be *straight* and laying all the *queerness* on the hands of my first lovers without having to do any work/acknowledgement, etc. I didn't want to say...I am GAY/LESBIAN/and/or QUEER, and I think that is wholly due to internalized homophobia.

I thought of this subject from a poster (I am sorry, I cannot remember who!) who said something about Cynthia Nixon...sounds like this is her first queer relo and she doesn't want to reallllly admit she is gay..something like that...).

Does anyone have issues with or comments about internalized homophobia?

Where do you see it? Has it affected you?

05-14-2010, 10:20 PM	#1
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,098 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Internalized Homophobia I don't think there is a thread on this subject. I remember when, in my first queer relationship (31, I am 40 now), I used to say to everyone (even her), I am not gay!; it is a fluke!; she is special!; I am not REALLY GAY; I am NOT a lesbian! But I LOVE YOU! I was in love and didn't want to claim any terms (at that moment). My first female lover would joke and say...that's ok, I'll be the gay/lesbian one! (reminiscent of tshirts that read, "I'm not gay, but girlfriend is!) She didn't mind my shying away from the lesbian / gay terms). I think that was me..trying to still be straight and laying all the queerness on the hands of my first lovers without having to do any work/acknowledgement, etc. I didn't want to say...I am GAY/LESBIAN/and/or QUEER, and I think that is wholly due to internalized homophobia. I thought of this subject from a poster (I am sorry, I cannot remember who!) who said something about Cynthia Nixon...sounds like this is her first queer relo and she doesn't want to reallllly admit she is gay..something like that...). Does anyone have issues with or comments about internalized homophobia? Where do you see it? Has it affected you?