How did you know?

[kassykit]

Guess i been trying to think of how to ask this question for the longest time. Please don't yell at me, or get offended by the following post. It takes a lot for me to post something public.

To start off before I get to my question I feel the need to explain a little about me.

I was sexually abused for a large portion of my childhood. I learned that to dress as a "girl" was to open myself up to the possiblity of it happening more often. A lot of the time my family just simply couldn't afford new cloths anyways. So i suppose it is lucky that my dresses and "girl" cloths were few and far between. I grew up more likely to run out and hide in the woods, it was safe there, than i was to stay at home and play with dolls. Realize this was years after the abuse started. Let me just say right off, no it was not my father, mother, or brothers. It was other close "friends" of the family. My parents put me through theraphy and since they found out they have been supportive to a point.

So with that being said, I grew up needing to protect myself by being a "boy".

I do not identify as "butch". I do not identify as a "tweener". I do identify as "femme". I don't wear a lot of makeup, I do tend to wear jeans, tshirts and hide behind banter.

After doing a lot of reading, I am starting to wonder about myself. About the labels that the people around me are using.

Butch does not equal boylike, it's a way that person carries themselves. To me anyway. I can't even define it properly. All i know is it isn't me.

Tweeners. well, i'm not 100 percent sure what this even means! So how could i be a tweener if i'm not sure what it IS?

Femme, well why do I feel I am more femme than anything else. This is the part i'm afraid of explaining. So be patient.

- femmes are lipstick toteing, high heel wearing, skirt flaring, shopaholics.... this is the typical sterotype seen in popular media......no this is not me

i like lipstick, i like makeup, i like shopping, i like skirts, shopping and all that ...... but sometimes jeans are just plain dandy!

I have never had my nails done professionally......nor my toes O_O (no one touches dah feet!!! ))

I have short hair...... I hate it, but it's a work in progress.

I can hang just fine with the boys/bois/men in my life. I have few female friends, mostly cuz they scare me!

You talk about makeup and well i know how to do my makeup one way.... goth

Yes in highschool i was the one in black leggings, a short skirt or cutoff shirts......combat boots, a sportsbra and a seethrough football jersy....all black.. or close to it anyway..... and yes the boots were shined ... i wore dark makeup, always had my hair in a pony tail and people gave me space and avoided me..... i was a introvert.... i am more extroverted these days.... the makeup, the dressing, that was as i've come now to realize a set of armor.... i lost the ablity to do it somewhere.... about the time i got into my last relationship.....

What to each of you who read this, What makes you femme? what makes you identify as femme?

i can't define femme as i am so confused now from all the various debates and threads on sexualilty.......am i thinking to much on it?

and if you ask anyone who "knows" me, they say i'm a girlie girl..... no idea why.... how does someone who is confused at this point, define themselves if the definitions themselves seem to be changing?