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[christie]

Originally Posted by Jess

Perhaps it is personal evolution or perhaps it is just getting older that brings me to where I feel I have come full circle, regarding "labels, identifiers, rainbow badge of courage" . The "learning the rules" so I can then forget them, so to speak.

When I first learned about using the web to network and reach out of my sense of isolation ( feelings of being misunderstood or having no intimately familiar community in "real time" ) , I also learned of ALL of the different words used to describe the different facets of people. This was especially difficult to navigate within "gender choice positive" communities such as the butch-femme welcoming sites.

I was no longer just a dyke. I was no longer just a lesbian. No longer just a freak who liked S/m. I found a whole brand spanking new set of "words" that helped me describe not only who I am, but what I like, am attracted to, want to spend energy being near. I found the words that for me, helped describe both physical and some mental/ emotional/ sexual and social attributes and I took them on more as a way to find "like minded" individuals than as necessarily a box I wanted to stay in.

I chose the nic SyrJess as a way to say " I am a masculine female Top" , because at that time, it was important for me in my seeking others within both gender choice positive space and BDSMers to form community with. I always used Syr to mark the difference between being a masculine woman and an FTM. It worked for me for years.

As I have grown older and hopefully wiser, I no longer feel that same "driven" desire to adamantly express "who I am" and the need to be seen as valued for my "labels". Yes, I'm still a big ole butt spanking butch, however today there is only one butt I want to spank and she knows I am "butch" so I don't feel a need to "advertise" any longer... LOL.

Do I want to be "seen" and/or valued for being Butch/ Top/ Stone/ masculine/ female ? Absolutely. I feel today however, it is more important for me to be valued by ME first. "Me".. free of labels and qualifiers/ identifiers. I am learning to be the sum of all those parts and not just a fraction of them.

It has been and I am sure will continue to be, a " very strange trip" indeed.

Its been an amazing transformation - and I am humbled to stand beside you as you have moved through this part of your evolution and to see you love you as I have been so blessed to do.

Change is not easy, especially for ole . Its downright scary. It takes so much courage to walk the road you've been on and I am so very proud to be your wife.

Sorry for the derail, folks. I just couldn't let this pass without acknowledging.
Back to your regularly scheduled program!