Couples together 5 or 10 or 20+ yrs or better

DamselFly · 04-23-2011, 12:35 PM

i've had 3 long-term relationships. the first was my with my first real love, in undergrad and grad school. it ended badly, through no fault of our own. her father, a powerful judge, found out about us, put her into a mental heal institution against her will, and, when she got out, virtually imprisoned her. she eventually committed suicide. i grieved for a long time before being able to love again.
my 2nd was with an abusive alcoholic. we were together 10 years, the last part of which was b/c i was too scared to leave. we tried therapy several times, but hy wasn't willing to change in any way. hy insisted that our problems were all w/me, and if i'd just do everything the way hy wanted me to, we'd be just fine. eventually hys control turned into outright physical abuse and threats to kill me if i tried to leave. when i DID leave and went two states away, hy found and stalked me. that's one reason i didn't return to VA-i am concerned that hy still might be there and now am no longer under the protection of my last ex.
my last ex and i were also together for 10 years. that relationship went extremely well. unfortunately, it eventually fell apart under the weight of our combined illnesses. in the end, i felt more like hys caretaker than hys partner. i was exhausted and almost at the point of dying so had to leave in the end, with hys blessing and good will. we still talk regularly and write. we are best friends and still part of each other's "family".
i'd say that in my experience, the best glue for a relationship is a firm foundation of friendship, which includes communication, communication, and communication. this level of communication involves both self-knowledge and trust and other-knowledge and other-trust. i agree that some basic shared ground is also important. for example, i doubt an avowed environmentalist devoted to the simple life would be happy with a materialist devoted to the acquisition of more and more. there has to be shared common ground. another example, if one had camping and living an active life as priorities to do with a loved one, then getting involved with one who could not or was not interested in this would not make a good match. yes, i know that sometimes opposites DO attract. but unless they develop a very strong friendship and find some shared values, then i don't give the relationship much chance of long-term survival. for me, in a relationship, romantic love waxes and wanes, wanes and waxes, but if a strong friendship is there to keep things going during the waning times, and communication to say, "i'm still here", and trust in each other to stay during the waning times and wait or make a waxing time, the relation will likely last.
my 2 cents.
namaste,
DamselFly

04-23-2011, 12:35 PM	#21
DamselFly Member How Do You Identify?: QueerStoneFemme Preferred Pronoun?: Ma'am or Damsel Relationship Status: single Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: hovering here and there Posts: 259 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,053 Thanked 771 Times in 199 Posts Rep Power: 396593	3 LTRs i've had 3 long-term relationships. the first was my with my first real love, in undergrad and grad school. it ended badly, through no fault of our own. her father, a powerful judge, found out about us, put her into a mental heal institution against her will, and, when she got out, virtually imprisoned her. she eventually committed suicide. i grieved for a long time before being able to love again. my 2nd was with an abusive alcoholic. we were together 10 years, the last part of which was b/c i was too scared to leave. we tried therapy several times, but hy wasn't willing to change in any way. hy insisted that our problems were all w/me, and if i'd just do everything the way hy wanted me to, we'd be just fine. eventually hys control turned into outright physical abuse and threats to kill me if i tried to leave. when i DID leave and went two states away, hy found and stalked me. that's one reason i didn't return to VA-i am concerned that hy still might be there and now am no longer under the protection of my last ex. my last ex and i were also together for 10 years. that relationship went extremely well. unfortunately, it eventually fell apart under the weight of our combined illnesses. in the end, i felt more like hys caretaker than hys partner. i was exhausted and almost at the point of dying so had to leave in the end, with hys blessing and good will. we still talk regularly and write. we are best friends and still part of each other's "family". i'd say that in my experience, the best glue for a relationship is a firm foundation of friendship, which includes communication, communication, and communication. this level of communication involves both self-knowledge and trust and other-knowledge and other-trust. i agree that some basic shared ground is also important. for example, i doubt an avowed environmentalist devoted to the simple life would be happy with a materialist devoted to the acquisition of more and more. there has to be shared common ground. another example, if one had camping and living an active life as priorities to do with a loved one, then getting involved with one who could not or was not interested in this would not make a good match. yes, i know that sometimes opposites DO attract. but unless they develop a very strong friendship and find some shared values, then i don't give the relationship much chance of long-term survival. for me, in a relationship, romantic love waxes and wanes, wanes and waxes, but if a strong friendship is there to keep things going during the waning times, and communication to say, "i'm still here", and trust in each other to stay during the waning times and wait or make a waxing time, the relation will likely last. my 2 cents. namaste, DamselFly __________________ so long as space remains so long as sentient beings remain i will remain in order to help, to serve, to make my own contribution (Buddhist prayer, a favorite of H.H.)