Big Girl Love

[Lynn]

It's odd how self-image works. When I was maybe 10 to 20 lbs over my "ideal" weight, I considered myself to be so unattractive. I hated pictures of myself and was always saying things about how fat I was. Unfortunately, my husband agreed, and he never missed a chance to remind me that I would be so attractive--if I lost weight. At the same time, I was generally depressed and really had no clue that life wasn't supposed to be so grey. I pretty much agreed that I was too heavy, which also equated to being lazy, out of control, and out of touch with myself. Well. That last one was true, except my weight had nothing to do with it.

Now, life is much better. Since I came out, about seven years ago, my new "normal" is damn happy. I'm also a lot heavier. At 5'1", I'm close to 200 lbs. I can't say that I don't struggle with self-acceptance--I do. But, I used to obsess constantly about losing weight. These days, I don't really think about it much. Sometimes, it can't be escaped. For example, I can feel utterly sexy and attractive, and then one hour with my family will have me feeling, well, the opposite. Issues, much? Sure, and so what. My health is OK, although I've been told that I'm prediabetic, which does scare me.

The thing is, I think feeling uncomfortable at times with my weight is not the same thing as hating myself and feeling worthless and unattractive. I don't hate anymore. If a doctor suggests that losing weight will help my health, then I'll take that into consideration without falling into blame and shame. In the main, I feel like a beautiful, expansive, sexy woman. The truth is that *I* am bigger, more expanded, and sexy, as a PERSON. So, this body of mine usually fits perfectly.