Queers and Immigration

[nycfem]

Not sure if a specific thread has been started about this (couldn't find one), so I thought I'd start one. I'm wondering how many of us out there have been personally affected by the lack of federal rights for marriage between same sex couples in regard to immigration. I thought we could tell our stories here, as I think it's important for us all to share. I know for myself that until this injustice touched my life in a personal way I didn't fully understand just how "not easy" this situation can be.

While I haven't been in a relationship with a significant other in which this was an issue, I lived through a hard seven years with my younger brother (my only sibling), Dave, and his partner, Jan (a man), as they went through this.

Dave and Jan met about fifteen years ago and fell deeply in love. Jan was traveling (staying in hostels) from his home in rural South Africa and answered a personal ad Dave had placed asking for some hot, safe sex with no strings attached. Of course, they just about instantly fell for each other in that "soul mate" way that neither of them had experienced before! They were inseparable, and our family, myself included, also became very attached to Jan, seeing that he was clearly going to be part of our family forever.

And then there was their greatest problem, how to be together. Jan, son of a preacher and not out with his family, felt very uncomfortable with doing anything dishonest but eventually they decided that their only realistic option for Jan to stay in New York was for him to marry a woman. Luckily a close lesbian friend agreed. She did so for a price, and that was understandable, not only was she putting herself at risk and complicating her life for many years to come but there is a lot of work involved to demonstrate when immigrating that a marriage is real. We quizzed them for hours on each other, and it was always upsetting when they missed what felt like an obvious question. Documents had to show them living together, mail had to go to the same address- the work sometimes felt endless and went on for years! Then they had to stay married for more years than they cared to before they could divorce, with Jan a citizen. Add to this that every time Jan traveled home to visit his family with whom he remained close, he risked not being able to leave and return to America. I, and my family, were constantly on edge, worrying about Jan as well as in knowing that Dave would move to South Africa in a heartbeat if things didn't work out here.

Luckily everything did ultimately work out, but whenever I see any couple going through this, I am moved in knowing how much heartache is involved in these unjust situations. About five years ago, when marriage became legal in South Africa, Dave and Jan, while planning to continue living in NYC, decided to have a legal marriage ceremony in South Africa. By this point Jan had come out to his family, and his father was planning to perform the ceremony. Sadly they were again thrown into a legal bind when they found out that though marriage had been legalized, queer couples who tried to marry were being blocked by government officials, who would simply not process the papers, making up excuse after excuse. Even with the pull of Jan's father, they were not able to legally marry, as was occurring for many other queer couples in South Africa. Jan's father performed the ceremony, but it was not legal. A few years ago, they married in Connecticut and life has become a lot easier for them, but I remember back in the day when it was not. I am curious to hear others' experiences.