Ask a trans person!

[deb0670]

Dapper,
I thank God for You and for sharing this with me.
Thank You for understanding.
I will be looking for a therapist for our son Monday.

I have mentioned to him many times before about being butch, etc.. and even a gender to him, and every time he has been adamant that neither is the case.
I questioned him about wanting to be more like Dad (our son calls Ethan Dad), and just as adamantly he assured me that is not the case.
For awhile he was wavering back and forth, but he said it was mainly be he was scared of what Ethan and me would say. Our son said," I have never felt comfortable as a girl in a boy/girl relationship, nor a girl/girl relationship, and i am tired of pretending to be."

For years, he would dress and be androgynous. . But still did not feel right.

Ethan has been talking with our son a lot more now that our son has made up his mind and heart on who he is.

So.. i guess the best thing to do is find a therapist for him, and possibly for me to help any way I can.

Oh and, please know, I understand and believe You about
You not questioning my son's gender..
I truly appreciate You and Your help.

Originally Posted by DapperButch

deb,

I have a couple of thoughts.

First of all, it is normal to have loss about losing a daughter. Yes, your child is still the same person, but if indeed your child is FTM, there is loss around what you expected for their life (the social things Gemme mentioned). In my work with adolescents and their parents, I find that this is where parents feel guilt. They feel guilty for feeling loss. Well, guess what? It IS a loss. Don't feel like you aren't accepting your child's gender identity just because you are grieving who you thought them to be. It is normal. Just like it is for the spouse of an adult who is changing their sex.


I think that the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for your child is to find a therapist that specializes in gender issues. As you know, often masculinity can get conflated with males (we need to look no further than our female butches and the frustration they face with this). It is important that your child separate out gender expression (masculinity) from gender/sex (male).

As a gender therapist, I always make sure with every client that they put this into perspective (adults as well as adolescents). My thought is that with having a FTM in the home, your child would have even more of a hard time seeing how a masculinity does not = male. Your child's example (in their young brain) is that a female changes gender if they are masculine.

Now, one of the positives of Ethan being in your child's life is that he can talk with your child about gender expression (masculinity) versus gender/sex (male) in a way that other paretns cannot, but I still think there are discussions that can be had with a therapist that one can't have with their parent. Additionally, there could be issues around your child having a desire to connect with Ethan more, to have a "sameness" that masculine individuals desire to have with the masculine parent, so that can be impacting your child's desire/thinking that they are male, also.

Please don't hear the above as me questioning your child's gender identity. Lord knows I would be the last person to do this, but I believe that due diligence is important with all trans individuals, but again, I believe that your child is in a special situation (one, on the whole, I think they are lucky to have - a FTM in their household).

Check out www.wpath.org and click on the provider tab to find a qualified gender therapist (and the list/link that Nadeest provided). I think that most states are represented. Contact that person. Even if they are too far away or don't take your child's insurance, ask them for the name of someone who is closer to you and might. Even if that person doesn't take your child's insurance, THEY might know someone who does. Even if you are told that so and so therapist only sees adults, call them anyway. Your child is 17, so they may make an exception (hell, that is how I started treating a 15 year old).

I would suggest doing this sooner, rather than later. If indeed your child does want to transition (with hormones and legal name change), it would start them off great if they could graduate from high school (I am assuming they are in high school), with the proper name/birth certificate (if your state allows birth certificate changes). It would make their entrance into adulthood as seamless as possible.

I also want to tell you that your child is very lucky to have a mom like you. They are fortunate that you are willing to accept whoever they feel themselves to be.