Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

Venus007 · 08-27-2015, 04:18 AM

I tend to lean toward the rational and being overtly emotional is sort of a second, or hell perhaps a third, language to me. I mean of course I do display emotion but the issue is that it doesn't seem to be enough for most people. As an added issue I tend to be a very independant person and enjoy nee require solitude to recharge.

My fear is that this will be taken as not loving the person I love "enough" or over time it will weaken the bond I have with someone.

The whole romantic thing doesn't come naturally to me, I have to set reminders on my calendar or create a plan in advance to execute. This, I fear, comes across as forced sometimes or it is insufficient to satisfy the required dose of romance.

So often it feels like I am from another planet in a relationship and don't understand the required customs and social expectations, I sometimes hurt their feelings and don't know how it happened. I guess my fear is that I will never learn the culture of their bird to my fish.

imperfect_cupcake · 08-27-2015, 08:06 AM

So many in the past year. People seem to want to go far faster than I do, in terms of how often to see someone or how often to talk. I'm shattered (extremely tired) most of the time with school a don't often have the energy to go out. My classmates and I send each other texts teasing each other about how often we are in bed.
I am scared of people pushing me to be more emotional, more available time wise, more care taking.
Having been through so much co-dependant re-learning and counseling and learning about healthy boundaries... I find most people I date respond poorly to boundaries. For example I'll say I'm sick and can't make a date, got sent home from school so very ill. I will contact you when I'm feeling better.
I'll get, from people I barely know and have only met once or twice

Can I come over, I'll look after you
An email 15 hours later asking if I'm better and would I like to meet up
How about now? Are you feeling better now?
Long winding emails talking about their day when I've said im sick and will contact them when I'm feeling better.

I could go on. What I find is, people don't listen to me. And the thing that turns me off the most is someone ignoring me and just barreling ahead with what *they* want from me. I find that turns me off someone now in seconds. If I have to repeat myself, about needing time/space for whatever reason... I find the damage is just kind of done.

So I fear not being able to have my own space without fighting for it, I fear having to look after someone else to the detriment of my own needs.

JustLovelyJenn · 09-01-2015, 11:24 PM

Mine is always that my family will be too much. It usually is. Our life isn't easy, and even if we get along great as a two... when I let the kids in, that usually ends the pursuit. Whatever the reason that's given... "we just aren't compatible" "I'm in a different place in my life" "I think we will be better friends." ... I'm always worried that my overwhelming life (yes, its even overwhelming for me sometimes) is the biggest reason behind it all.

Electrocell · 09-12-2015, 07:31 AM

I find that I try to stay away from people that demand things of me. Had an ex of ten years would demand I do things and instead of being grateful for what I did would just demand something else of me. When I was doing it she would stand there and tell me how to do to do it. I'm one of these people it doesn't matter how you get the job done as long as the end results are right. If you have ideas fine, then tell me before not after I'm in the middle of the task ,when I have my own ideas figured out on how I'm going to proceed with a project. I'm doing the work after all.

JDeere · 09-13-2015, 10:46 PM

Fear of abuse! That is all that needs to be said on that one!

cassiopeia67 · 09-16-2015, 10:09 AM

My relationship fears are someone who needs me in their life specifically for the benefit of financial gain. Another is being cheated on, that has happened to me more than once. To be honest, that is why I am single to this day (since 2012).

Mel C. · 09-16-2015, 11:08 AM

Baggage...
I think most of my baggage is related to self-esteem. I'm afraid of being the only person "in" the relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be enough....funny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, young enough, thin enough, etc. I'm afraid that I will be abandoned. I'm afraid that I will be financially or emotionally abused. I think I am afraid of relationships in general

As for how to deal with the baggage in a new relationship, I haven't reached that level of enlightenment yet. I do try to be honest and upfront but I am still trying to figure out how much is too much and when is too soon.

08-27-2015, 04:18 AM	#1
Venus007 Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Serene Highness ;} Relationship Status: Dreamily contemplating some outrage against conventional morality Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Houston area Posts: 1,362 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,417 Thanked 4,749 Times in 1,139 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Stranger in a Strange Land I tend to lean toward the rational and being overtly emotional is sort of a second, or hell perhaps a third, language to me. I mean of course I do display emotion but the issue is that it doesn't seem to be enough for most people. As an added issue I tend to be a very independant person and enjoy nee require solitude to recharge. My fear is that this will be taken as not loving the person I love "enough" or over time it will weaken the bond I have with someone. The whole romantic thing doesn't come naturally to me, I have to set reminders on my calendar or create a plan in advance to execute. This, I fear, comes across as forced sometimes or it is insufficient to satisfy the required dose of romance. So often it feels like I am from another planet in a relationship and don't understand the required customs and social expectations, I sometimes hurt their feelings and don't know how it happened. I guess my fear is that I will never learn the culture of their bird to my fish. __________________ . "I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction. " Ayn Rand, Anthem "So you'll die happily for your sins. You'd rather die in guilt then live in love?" Timothy Leary Last edited by Venus007; 08-27-2015 at 04:19 AM. Reason: title

09-01-2015, 11:24 PM	#3
JustLovelyJenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: That's Need to Know Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Aberdeen, WA Posts: 4,478 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 12,464 Thanked 13,992 Times in 3,684 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Mine is always that my family will be too much. It usually is. Our life isn't easy, and even if we get along great as a two... when I let the kids in, that usually ends the pursuit. Whatever the reason that's given... "we just aren't compatible" "I'm in a different place in my life" "I think we will be better friends." ... I'm always worried that my overwhelming life (yes, its even overwhelming for me sometimes) is the biggest reason behind it all. __________________ --Jenn

09-12-2015, 07:31 AM	#4
Electrocell Member How Do You Identify?: Stonebutch Preferred Pronoun?: he/hy Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: TN Posts: 1,334 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,535 Thanked 2,768 Times in 981 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I find that I try to stay away from people that demand things of me. Had an ex of ten years would demand I do things and instead of being grateful for what I did would just demand something else of me. When I was doing it she would stand there and tell me how to do to do it. I'm one of these people it doesn't matter how you get the job done as long as the end results are right. If you have ideas fine, then tell me before not after I'm in the middle of the task ,when I have my own ideas figured out on how I'm going to proceed with a project. I'm doing the work after all. __________________ Love and accept me for me not someone you want me to be.

09-13-2015, 10:46 PM	#5
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,833 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474865	Fear of abuse! That is all that needs to be said on that one! __________________ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

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08-27-2015, 08:06 AM	#2
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	So many in the past year. People seem to want to go far faster than I do, in terms of how often to see someone or how often to talk. I'm shattered (extremely tired) most of the time with school a don't often have the energy to go out. My classmates and I send each other texts teasing each other about how often we are in bed. I am scared of people pushing me to be more emotional, more available time wise, more care taking. Having been through so much co-dependant re-learning and counseling and learning about healthy boundaries... I find most people I date respond poorly to boundaries. For example I'll say I'm sick and can't make a date, got sent home from school so very ill. I will contact you when I'm feeling better. I'll get, from people I barely know and have only met once or twice Can I come over, I'll look after you An email 15 hours later asking if I'm better and would I like to meet up How about now? Are you feeling better now? Long winding emails talking about their day when I've said im sick and will contact them when I'm feeling better. I could go on. What I find is, people don't listen to me. And the thing that turns me off the most is someone ignoring me and just barreling ahead with what they want from me. I find that turns me off someone now in seconds. If I have to repeat myself, about needing time/space for whatever reason... I find the damage is just kind of done. So I fear not being able to have my own space without fighting for it, I fear having to look after someone else to the detriment of my own needs.

09-16-2015, 10:09 AM	#6
cassiopeia67 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Anything feminine Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2015 Location: Toronto, Ontario Posts: 83 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 78 Thanked 257 Times in 67 Posts Rep Power: 3650737	My relationship fears are someone who needs me in their life specifically for the benefit of financial gain. Another is being cheated on, that has happened to me more than once. To be honest, that is why I am single to this day (since 2012).

09-16-2015, 11:08 AM	#7
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Baggage... I think most of my baggage is related to self-esteem. I'm afraid of being the only person "in" the relationship. I'm afraid that I won't be enough....funny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, young enough, thin enough, etc. I'm afraid that I will be abandoned. I'm afraid that I will be financially or emotionally abused. I think I am afraid of relationships in general As for how to deal with the baggage in a new relationship, I haven't reached that level of enlightenment yet. I do try to be honest and upfront but I am still trying to figure out how much is too much and when is too soon.