Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[NitroChrys_Butch]

Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”

Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our guts. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the flag is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is a way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.

We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something “off” about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the red flag that pops up is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up.

[Glenn]

A Few First Warning Signs:
1.Idealization
2.Jealousy
3.Isolation
4.Devalue/Disregard of yours, and your family's needs, including their own family.
5.Too much self-importance/overly self-absorbed
6.Temper

[Allison W]

Originally Posted by Glenn

6.Temper

This one right here, is important, and important to analyse, and important to watch in the context of what a red flag is. Because while there are people out there who have a temper but have the skills to control it and understand that it's their responsibility to control it, there are also a whole lot of people who either don't know how to control it or don't think it's their responsibility to control it. If it's part of a worsening or already sinister pattern, it's not just a sign the relationship could go sour, it's a sign that your partner (or you, if you're the one with temper problems) could be actively dangerous. Like, hospital or morgue dangerous.

I say this as someone from a really bloody angry gene pool. Everyone in my family is an angry person, myself included, and hostility is also one of the more common side effects of my primary antidepressant, so I had to learn to control my temper because I don't care to turn out like some of my family members did.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Sometimes abuse can be very passive...

It can look like someone who refuses to make a decision and then complains about what happens. It can be present in silent disapproval as much as a screaming argument. The constant "its's fine" or "you're right, it must be my fault." All of these small and quiet things can just be another form of control. Another way to shape your responses to what they want. It can be hard to see abuse in any form, but there are just as many forms of abuse as their are abusers to use them... they never have to raise their voice or lay a hand on you to break you down completely.

[gotoseagrl]

This is so, so true. They can be more calculating than someone who does not hide when they have lost their temper (or sanity). The quiet ones who are more subtle with it are the ones who can trap you on the roller coaster for the longest time, because they always appear, especially to everyone else, to be harmless & like they always intend well and are doing nothing. While sometimes that can be true, more often it's not. The finger can always end up being pointed back at you because they "haven't lost their cool". They will even say sorry in an obligatory way that reminds you that you are still the one to blame underneath it all or you were always the cause of whatever problem. And you're also the reason it never changes - you don't give enough chances, time, blood, sweat, your last ounce of everything you had in you and so on. They wouldn't say, do or feel x,y,z if it didn't have something to do with you instead of recognizing their own behavior and actively taking responsibility to change it on their own. This is a real mind screw because they can appear to be sympathetic, while really being self-righteous at the same time. It can be a lot harder to run & stay away from emotional/mental abuse that is gradual and that over time warps your perception & distorts the appearance of the way things really are.

This can end up being so dangerous to one's confidence - believing in yourself when your gut is telling you something's wrong, self-worth - the person has you convinced they are the only one for you & you cannot do better because everyone else but them is bad, sanity - when you start to question yourself in ways you never do with anyone else or other healthy relationships, and so much more.

I really don't think there is enough awareness out there about these silent, but deadly types of relationships. The toxic "soulmates".

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Sometimes abuse can be very passive...

It can look like someone who refuses to make a decision and then complains about what happens. It can be present in silent disapproval as much as a screaming argument. The constant "its's fine" or "you're right, it must be my fault." All of these small and quiet things can just be another form of control. Another way to shape your responses to what they want. It can be hard to see abuse in any form, but there are just as many forms of abuse as their are abusers to use them... they never have to raise their voice or lay a hand on you to break you down completely.

[Karysma]

Oh, this really spoke to me...

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

They will even say sorry in an obligatory way that reminds you that you are still the one to blame underneath it all or you were always the cause of whatever problem. And you're also the reason it never changes - you don't give enough chances, time, blood, sweat, your last ounce of everything you had in you and so on. They wouldn't say, do or feel x,y,z if it didn't have something to do with you instead of recognizing their own behavior and actively taking responsibility to change it on their own. This is a real mind screw because they can appear to be sympathetic, while really being self-righteous at the same time. It can be a lot harder to run & stay away from emotional/mental abuse that is gradual and that over time warps your perception & distorts the appearance of the way things really are.

[JDeere]

When they alienate you from friends and family.

I almost forgot this one.

[gotoseagrl]

Èxcellent post, spot-on. Thank you.

Originally Posted by NitroChrys_Butch

Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”

Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our guts. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the flag is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is a way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.

We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something “off” about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the red flag that pops up is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up.

[CherryWine]

It is very easy to miss the red flags when someone is wooing you and sweeping you off your feet like many abusive people tend to do so well in the beginning stages of a relationship. Initially they will try very hard to display what it is that they think you want to see. Their masks will always slip, though, and flashes of their true selves will be revealed. This could manifest in comments they make that may strike you as odd (i.e. “I am the most sane person that I know”). They might need constant affirmation that they are as awesome as they think themselves to be.

As the idealization stage of the relationship starts to wane, you will notice them starting to blow hot and cold…not unlike those Sour Patch Kids commercials! This is to keep your emotions unbalanced because it will be much easier for them to pull your puppet strings when you are left feeling confused. Their feathers may get ruffled at even the tiniest little thing that most normal people wouldn’t even remotely perceive as a criticism. Like others have already mentioned, projection is a huge red flag. It’s typical of an abuser to accuse you of doing exactly what they themselves have done. What they say and what they do won’t match up. They will lie…often.

It’s all about power and control to these emotionally void, empty shells of people. Unfortunately, it is usually kind-hearted, caring people who are targeted. They want what you have. It seems to be their very goal to suck dry your good nature and any positivity from your life leaving you a complete emotional wreck while they bask in their achievement and move on to their next prey. They are very sick puppies, indeed.

Before I came out, I spent seven years in my late teens/early twenties in an off-and-on relationship with a man whom I now suspect to be a malignant narcissist. It was a living hell. When I finally left him for good, all I could do was look back and think “How could I have let myself endure such cruelty for so long?” I was codependent, and it was almost as if he had me under a spell. The only good to come from that relationship was the lessons learned. I was able to move on and heal through a loving and caring relationship with my last partner. While I’m not immune to being sucked in to a love fest, it’s now very easy to see the red flags and to know when to run for the hills.

Pay attention to those cracks in the mask. Trust your gut.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

It is very easy to miss the red flags when someone is wooing you and sweeping you off your feet like many abusive people tend to do so well in the beginning stages of a relationship. Initially they will try very hard to display what it is that they think you want to see. Their masks will always slip, though, and flashes of their true selves will be revealed. This could manifest in comments they make that may strike you as odd (i.e. “I am the most sane person that I know”). They might need constant affirmation that they are as awesome as they think themselves to be.

As the idealization stage of the relationship starts to wane, you will notice them starting to blow hot and cold…not unlike those Sour Patch Kids commercials! This is to keep your emotions unbalanced because it will be much easier for them to pull your puppet strings when you are left feeling confused. Their feathers may get ruffled at even the tiniest little thing that most normal people wouldn’t even remotely perceive as a criticism. Like others have already mentioned, projection is a huge red flag. It’s typical of an abuser to accuse you of doing exactly what they themselves have done. What they say and what they do won’t match up. They will lie…often.

It’s all about power and control to these emotionally void, empty shells of people. Unfortunately, it is usually kind-hearted, caring people who are targeted. They want what you have. It seems to be their very goal to suck dry your good nature and any positivity from your life leaving you a complete emotional wreck while they bask in their achievement and move on to their next prey. They are very sick puppies, indeed.

Before I came out, I spent seven years in my late teens/early twenties in an off-and-on relationship with a man whom I now suspect to be a malignant narcissist. It was a living hell. When I finally left him for good, all I could do was look back and think “How could I have let myself endure such cruelty for so long?” I was codependent, and it was almost as if he had me under a spell. The only good to come from that relationship was the lessons learned. I was able to move on and heal through a loving and caring relationship with my last partner. While I’m not immune to being sucked in to a love fest, it’s now very easy to see the red flags and to know when to run for the hills.

Pay attention to those cracks in the mask. Trust your gut.

A lot of folks miss those cracks in the mask, I think maybe because love is blind or they just don't want to see it or something else. But good points!