Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

[JDeere]

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

[ferret]

Ugh. Where to begin. I'm content being single and am enjoying my life for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm happy. I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone. Yet...I miss companionship and intimacy.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to make the same mistakes I did before - IE - Settling for someone who is absolutely no good for me. Getting with someone because maybe I'm desperate on some level, or...I'm not getting any younger, and the clock is ticking.
My last relationship really did a number on me - being with someone who was controlling, who I felt like I couldn't talk to or completely couldn't be myself around because I was going to be judged. It was just a bad, bad situation all around. Yet loyal me hung in, hoping it would somehow all get better.
So...I suppose I'm torn between my life is fine as is and I'moved enjoying it. I don't want to ruin my happiness somehow by putting someone else in the mix. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to be perpetually single, either. I think I'm a genuinely decent human being who has a lot to offer someone.
Sorry if I'm rambling here, but these are things I think about quite often.

Sue

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Abandonment is the main one, being told they will be there and end up leaving.

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

The real tricky part with issues like this is not to fulfill the prophecy; to not dwell on it so much and have the insecurity affect your (general your) interactions that you (general you) actually push the other person away so that you (general you) get to say, "See! I was right!".

There is some twisted sort of comfort in molding future anguish because the known pain is easier than the unknown.

I'm not picking on you, JDeere. I saw this post and found myself nodding. Abandonment is not so much an issue of mine as judgment and judging behaviors and control issues but I think it all ties together.

We're all scarred in some way.

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

It happens whether or not I dwell on it. It just happens. But mine stems from being adopted and how it affects every day life.

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Adoption does lend to abandonment issues for a lot of people. I get that. I have my own abandonment leanings as well. Absolutely. And your feelings will happen. For sure.

BUT

You are the one who determines your behavior based on your feelings. Everyone has feelings of fear or loss, etc. It's how we cope with those feelings that help us get through our lives. We can either help ourselves or hurt ourselves with our responses to these feelings. I've been on both sides of this and have successfully dealt with some pretty narly stuff and have also been mowed over by my feelings and let them run the show instead of me. That never ends well.

I used your post as a jumping point but wasn't necessarily directing it at you specifically, hence the 'general' you parts. I just want to make that clear.

I know what you meant by the general parts. I'm pretty much giving up on this one, one thing I can't stand is lack of communication. I'd rather be alone then deal with the bullshit.

[DapperButch]

I have commitment issues. I had a girl crush my heart freshman year of college, but other than that, I have no explanation for it. I always wonder if the person is the "right one", so I struggle doing the "full commitment, lets make this forever/let's get married thing". As you may guess, it impacts my relationships.