Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Greco

girl_dee, I've learned to honor only those that
honor me no matter who they are...there are
many survivors on this site and others who have
healed from abuse from parental figures. You are
not alone, and you are not crazy, or bad.

it is abuse. every interaction now is her unloading on me about how i dumped her in that place and took off.

i cannot deal with it.

[girl_dee]

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

[Greco]

girl_dee, that is painful beyond words, yes.

In healing from abuse from a maternal/paternal figure
I will share with you that seeing loving parents would
trigger deep grieving for me. Therapy with a therapist
who had healed, and was knowledgeable was what I
did to feel this grieving and heal.

And I found in this process that I have my ideal mother, and
ideal father within myself. And that I could love myself the
way I wanted my mother and father to love me.

It takes take time, find a caring, knowledgeable therapist
and be tender, gentle with yourself.

fondly, Greco

Originally Posted by girl_dee

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Greco

girl_dee, that is painful beyond words, yes.

In healing from abuse from a maternal/paternal figure
I will share with you that seeing loving parents would
trigger deep grieving for me. Therapy with a therapist
who had healed, and was knowledgeable was what I
did to feel this grieving and heal.

And I found in this process that I have my ideal mother, and
ideal father within myself. And that I could love myself the
way I wanted my mother and father to love me.

It takes take time, find a caring, knowledgeable therapist
and be tender, gentle with yourself.

fondly, Greco

Yesterday while she was unloading on me, i felt s sad for her. She is so broken.i think i underestimated how miserable she is

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

it is abuse. every interaction now is her unloading on me about how i dumped her in that place and took off.

i cannot deal with it.

You have to protect yourself. It may seem harsh, but if communication with her is hurting you, limit that. Cut it completely for a certain amount of time if necessary. Give her a boundary.....if you won't speak to me respectfully, then I will not communicate with you for one month....or whatever works for you....and then stand by it. She will push your boundary. Probably run it over from the sounds of it, but we MUST maintain boundaries with the people that are the reason for a lot of our other boundaries.

I had to compartmentalize very well when I was younger between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my abuser. Maybe too well. It's a light switch for me. You won't respect me and my boundaries? You push me repeatedly? Fine. I'm done. I don't expect anyone else to do that but it's how I've had to be. I've had to cut people out or they would drag me down into their misery quicksand. It was survival.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

I feel longing followed by either anger or resentment towards my mom. Then I remember that there's no such thing as normal and usually start to wonder what their 'stuff' is, because every family has stuff.

[girl_dee]

i met with my fam today to talk about my mom.

Someone suggested that i have a talk with her, to let her know that if every single communication is her dumping on me and coming at me with daggers, i will have to stop communicating

That probably should have happened long ago rather than me trying to *fix* her every single time, which never works and results in some really dark stuff for me.

[girl_dee]

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????