Any Other Adoptees Here? (Posts from non-adoptees also welcome)

[Uli]

I just wanted to share this link with my fellow adoptees: http://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/

Joining is a bit of a process, but I think It's worth it because knowing you are not alone in your feelings/experiences can be so healing.

I would add that the general tenor of these forums is pretty anti-adoption. Like, It's making me ask myself if I am suppressing a bunch of anger or if I already processed it and just can't recall It's intensity now . . .

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Uli

I just wanted to share this link with my fellow adoptees: http://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/

Joining is a bit of a process, but I think It's worth it because knowing you are not alone in your feelings/experiences can be so healing.

I would add that the general tenor of these forums is pretty anti-adoption. Like, It's making me ask myself if I am suppressing a bunch of anger or if I already processed it and just can't recall It's intensity now . . .

I have always been super anti.As I have gotten older I have made myself let go of some of the anger because it was eating me up.

[Uli]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have always been super anti.As I have gotten older I have made myself let go of some of the anger because it was eating me up.

I have never been fully anti or pro - it's always been complicated to me. There are things in my specific story that I have been angry about and there are things about the adoption system that I remain angry about. To this day, the adoption process does not center the needs of children. The science showing the trauma that happens to babies who are deprived access to their mother has been clear for DECADES, and it is still taboo to talk about adoption as anything other than a super happy, joyous occassion. Birth mothers are brave and selfless, adoptive parents are heroes, and adoptees should feel lucky is still the prevailing narrative and I will remain angry about that until it changes. Adoption is trauma, grief, and loss for adoptees. Trauma, grief, and loss *can* be processed and lead to strength, resiliance, etc. There *can* be a happy ending. But, not if we keep pretending that the trauma, grief, and loss aren't real.

[Apocalipstic]

Fellow Adoptees! You are wanted and accepted and loved here, no matter what your upbringing was.

Our society needs to catch up with us. Screw "being born out of wedlock" and being a "bastard child".

We are more than that, and it is society that is a failure in this regard up, not us.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

<snipped for brevity>

Our society needs to catch up with us. Screw "being born out of wedlock" and being a "bastard child".

We are more than that, and it is society that is a failure in this regard up, not us.

I am not an adoptee, but I can relate to what you've said above, Apocalipstic.

My dad's youngest brother was adopted formally by my dad's mother's only living sister, whom could not have children. My dad's mother was married to an alcoholic, of epic proportion, and her husband died of alcoholism, back in the late 1930s, during the depression and before the outbreak of WW2. My dad and his twin, were the youngest of the brood of 9 siblings, when right after her husband died, she learned she was pregnant with my dad's youngest, not yet born, brother. She was SO poor, with being left to raise 9 kids on her own, and pregnant with her last, my dad's youngest brother, that her only sister hatched an idea. My dad's aunt's idea was for all of them to live with her and my uncle, while she took up doing laundry for prominent members of their community circle. When Dad's mom became ill with heart troubles and could no longer wash and hang laundry up to dry and iron it, she ended up in a long term Catholic home for the elderly and eventually died there, due to her heart condition (which no doctor had a remedy for). So, my great-aunt and uncle cared for all the kids and as my dad and his twin brother and other older brothers went off to serve in the war, the only kid left was my dad's youngest brother, whom my aunt and uncle formally adopted... *Because* … back then, there was tons of social shame for women to bear if you had to leave your husband or your husband left you or some other shameful social ill (in my dad's mother's case, it was her dead beat husband who literally died in a gutter with a bottle in his hand) and to prevent grotesque rumors, designed to impugn one's character, my aunt and uncle saved my dad and his siblings from being socially ruined by other's peoples ideas about x, y or z.

Just a few years ago, my dad's youngest brother passed away from the same heart condition their mother had. At his funeral, my youngest brother (who attended), blurted out that Uncle Jerry was actually our dad's youngest brother. Relatives were so upset that the family 'secret' was revealed without their knowledge that our great-aunt and uncle had adopted Jerry to save the family from socially ruined by other peoples misguided knowledge about how any it came about.

My great-aunt was concerned about her nieces and nephews reputations being sullied by people who would hold it against all the kids that their mother was horribly poor and couldn't afford to take care of any of them, until my aunt and uncle stepped in and brought all of them into their care, while their mother died an untimely death and to keep them from being separated out to any number of undisclosed locations. My great-aunt foresaw the social consequences that lay ahead for all of them and sought to protect them from not having a fair chance in life, free of socially generated untrue rumors or people mistreating them because of the social shame around their mother being so poor and dying an early death, right after their dad died of alcoholism.

When we were growing up, it was Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jerry and their kids and us kids called each other cousins. And we were truly cousins; just not in the same vein as how they thought we were cousins. They thought of us as pretend cousins, when in actuality we actually were each other's cousin.

What a mess, right?

I don't think Jerry's side of the family is ultimately over finding out that they were actually our closest kin. They liked the pretend version of our family vs the reality of our family's history.

Our dad and mom coached all of us kids to never let the family secret out that we knew we were actually related. Our great-aunt and uncle were still alive back then, but even after they passed and there was no reason for the family 'secret' to be kept hidden from others, it was a secret my youngest brother decided to end, when our dad's youngest brother passed away a few years ago.

So I hear you and totally agree, that society needs to stop shaming others for their inability to present an immaculate picture perfect family.

There's no such thing, and it would be so nice if people could come to show care and concern for others who don't have, or were not born into, a perfect life.

[JDeere]

Age to tell kids when they are adopted. I found out at 5, my life has been shit since, I'm grateful for my family and parents but my life is still shit. My mental health is horrible as well as other things which I feel is directly related to not knowing things.


https://www.theatlantic.com/family/a...-study/594496/