PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

EMDR helps the parts of our minds and bodies that can't speak....that don't have words. These parts of us where hurt just as much or more than our language centers. My our minds shut out, our bodies still remember.

I feel that a therapist should be there to support and not cross swords with us. They can make suggestions, like a new job...but only we know what works for us. Do not feel intimidated to change therapists if one is not working. Something I have done is make a list of issues and handed it to therapist to read, when I am too nervous to communicate well.

It my most recent therapy we decided to get back to the EMDR to try to get to the basis of my freezing and my throat closing up when groped by freak man at church. I need to be able to protect myself when bad things happen. I used to be, but PTSD and trauma are progressive diseases.
Like I don't know where exactly this comes from.

Anyway, I will report back on how it goes.

On a positive note, vacation really helped. I got away from work, the news and church. I am much more positive and less triggered. I am dedicated to taking little vacations along to way for my mental health (and fun).

Love to all! xoxoxoxoxxo

[Apocalipstic]

I wanted to say that I am not pushing for EMDR, Brain Spotting, or anything else. Just sharing that they have worked for me.

For me, they have blurred the edges of my trauma so when I remember, the impact is not so great for me. I can certainly see where in the wrong hands it might be hurtful.

I recommend carefully researching any therapist, psychologist, Psychiatrist or even regular doctor. Its important.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[candy_coated_bitch]

Yeah, it's whatever works for you personally. If you're having problems with your therapist please don't hesitate to either bring it up with them or shop around. I've fired a number of therapists in my past. I now have one I love.

EMDR also works really well for me. It brings certain memories from being super intrusive and distressing to kind of digestable.

I had a very distressing week with my cPTSD. I woke up to hearing something at the front door. I immediately jumped out of bed in a panic. One of the running tapes in my mind is someone breaking into my apartment and assaulting me and/or killing me. I think about it almost every night. It's crazy. Anyway, in that moment my worst fears felt like they were coming true. I have no idea what I heard, but it doesn't matter it totally set me off. I've been barely sleeping, having to take extra Valium due to uncontrollable anxiety, and having nightmares and flashbacks. I hate how something like a sound at the front door can set me back so far.

I had therapy yesterday, which did help. I wasn't prepared to do EMDR around the traumas that brought me to that reaction, but I will get there. It was a supportive and constructive conversation though. I'm so glad I have a great therapist.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. I appreciate the support of this thread so much. And I offer everyone my love and support and hope for better times.

[dark_crystal]

Family reunion today. I'm already triggered and on half a Xanax. Even if nobody gets around to hate speech or microaggression today, it's just excruciating being in a room containing the entire leadership of the Montgomery county Tea Party and a bunch of people who refused to attend my wedding.

One cousin, the youngest, represented my mom's family at my wedding (aside from my mom). Way back in 1997 he asked to do something inappropriate to me, though, so i am not exactly hoping he'll be there.

My therapist would say i should not go. But my mom is kind of trapped in her house unless me or my sister can help her with dad.

Dad is probably winding up a microaggression for the car ride, though, as he is unhappy about me taking Mr. Jenny's name recently. He found out about it last week and i know he has been stewing, unless his dementia ate the information, which is not something to hope for, but still.

Mr. Jenny is out of town, so i will have to drive with my dad riding shotgun. Hopefully he will nap and not talk.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I had an insight last week about why i always feel so sick with shame and dread the day after family/social/work functions that require extended interpersonal interactions with people who have not made my "safe" list.

I always spend the whole next day ruminating over my behavior and looking for shameful things that i did that might match up with the horrible feeling of having exposed myself.

In the past i have usually been able to identify some comment i made that seems thoughtless in retrospect and then i will connect all of my yucky feelings with that, and just shame myself for whatever i have identified as my own bad behavior.

Earlier this month, though, i spent a day feeling shamed about my behavior at an author event-- but, try as i might, i just could not find anything i had done that justified the shame.

Like, i had not spoken to anyone at all-- i just came in looking beautiful and sat listening respectfully, then waited in line to have my book signed and thanked the author for coming. Then i went home and i did not actually interact with anyone except the author and the lady next to me who asked my favorite of the author's titles. There was nothing at all in my own behavior that i could pin the yucky feelings to.

Last weekend the same thing happened. I had a very intense day at my dad's birthday, with four different traumatizers in the mix, and the next day i felt shame and regret and i still could not identify anything i had done that was at all problematic.

I have figured out that i am not feeling shame and regret, i am feeling exposure and vulnerability, and that these are not connected to my behavior.

Being around unsafe people makes me feel vulnerable and exposed, but i cannot function in the situation with those emotions at the surface, so i seal them up and push them down while the interaction is happening. The next day, when i am safely out of the situation, the feelings come to the surface to be felt and then i assign them a cause from my own behavior because i was raised to blame myself for everything.

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

OMG YOU GUYS

i found out yesterday that this is a real thing called a "vulnerability hangover" and Brene Brown covers it in a TED talk

i did not watch the TED Talk lol this is not a weekend for breakthroughs this is a weekend for armoring up

I haven't listened yet, but just that term. I totally relate!!!

I hope your family thing went as smoothly as possible. <3 *hugs*

[Apocalipstic]

How was family thing DC? I hope you are OK!

Going to listen to that TED talk this week. Thank you!

[dark_crystal]

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?]) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?])

I see that i have lol. Sorry to keep harping on it but NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Thanks for asking, you guys. The family thing was fine-- Dad didn't mention the name thing and when i walked up on my aunt doing Tea Party voter outreach to my cousin, i interrupted it

Actually it was kind of fortuitous because my Aunt was ranting about illegal electioneering on the part of the school superintendent and i broke in with MY story about my Mayor trying to coerce ME into doing the same thing.

She really enjoyed that dirt (i emphasized the closed door and offer of protection [i've posted about this before, right?]) and who knows, she might tell her friends, and one of her friends was on that same Mayor's City Council, from the opposing party (and a very scary person just generally but whatevs).

SO maybe i just played two of my traumatizers against each other

I'm glad the family thing went ok. Playing two of your traumatizers against each other sounds potentially fun lol.

I'm waiting on my therapist right now. I've been having nightmares ever since I heard that noise at my front door in the middle of the night and I can't stay asleep to save my life. I am so exhausted. I did do a piece of art having to do with a little piece of the trauma related to why that was so triggering but I forgot to bring it with me today.

I might do EMDR today but I'm not 100% sold on it yet.

[dark_crystal]

i have therapy this morning for the first time in two weeks and i did not do any of my homework (log cognitive distortions, list 5 good things that happened each day)

We will have a lot to talk about though bc i applied for a job three hours out of town. SHE will be thrilled but i feel all kinds of conflicted over it.

It's good bc there will be no homophobia and it's exactly the same pay at exactly the right level for me to step into at a big system. The best possible position i could hope for, really. Most librarians would be over the moon.

I just feel it's not right to relocate with our parents as ill as they are. Except my sister is planning to. And it is only 3 hours away.

i'm like, hoping not to be called

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have therapy today too. I might do EMDR if I'm feeling strong enough. I'm going out with a friend after so that should be good.

d_c, I kinda hope you do get a call lol. But I understand being hesitant to relocate, especially your ill parents. But it sounds like a great opportunity. I hope you are able to sort some of this stuff in therapy.

I'll keep you guys posted about my session, especially if we do EMDR.

[Apocalipstic]

Sending love and light to you as you do EMDR and wait for job news!

I did EMDR yesterday at therapist. Melted my brain. But I was able to remember some things I think will help in my quest to get better. I was so very tired after, but I talked to friends who love me and laughed a lot, which I think really helped.

I love that we have this place to share.

[Sparkle]

Have any of you tried Somatic Therapy?

I had a therapist, ever so briefly, that specialized in Somatic technique. But she relocated back to Brooklyn and my life got too busy to find another.

I think there are similarities with EMDR (which i struggled with.)

Intellectually, somatic resonated with me because it’s about regulating and finding balance and a steady natural fluctuation between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. That makes so much sense. The part I find harder to explain/describe is the technique they use to address individual traumatic events that have created unhealthy biofeedback loops (PTSD.) I had one truly amazing session that rewrote a day of trauma so simply and effectively - ans I can’t stop thinking about it.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

Have any of you tried Somatic Therapy?

I had a therapist, ever so briefly, that specialized in Somatic technique. But she relocated back to Brooklyn and my life got too busy to find another.

I think there are similarities with EMDR (which i struggled with.)

Intellectually, somatic resonated with me because it’s about regulating and finding balance and a steady natural fluctuation between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. That makes so much sense. The part I find harder to explain/describe is the technique they use to address individual traumatic events that have created unhealthy biofeedback loops (PTSD.) I had one truly amazing session that rewrote a day of trauma so simply and effectively - ans I can’t stop thinking about it.

How does it work? Is it talk therapy or are there earphones or something sensory or kinetic associated?

[dark_crystal]

I found this article on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I ended up not having therapy Wednesday as Masshealth fucked up my ride. I was and am really disappointed, as I really needed that session. But I'll be back on Tuesday.

I had one therapist in the past who was big on Somatic techniques and sometimes I found it helpful and sometimes I found it even more triggering. It often caused me to dissociate, as I carry so much trauma my body does not want to experience or remember and forcing it does not help. And yes, it is also difficult with c-ptsd to untangle the threads where one trauma ends and the next begins. And there's the constant re-traumatization as d_c described. It wasn't for me. I find EMDR much more helpful though I didn't realize EMDR actually falls under Somatic Therapies, but it makes sense.

I fired that old therapist who kept triggering me and forcing me into traumas I wasn't ready for and constantly dissociating. It just didn't work out between us

[dark_crystal]

It has been a crazy week!

I work for a municipal government, so our health insurance is subject to change every new fiscal year. This year we changed from Cigna to BCBS, as of last Tuesday (October 1).

Neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist are on BCBS. I have to find a whole new treatment team.

I was in a spiral over that, then on Friday one of my assistants got me to approve something i knew would upset my other assistant, so i spent the whole weekend dreading a confrontation i was sure would be ugly (it was fine) and picked a big ugly fight with Mr. Jenny on Saturday.

I was so concinced that my other assistant was going to hate me now that i applied for a branch manager job that i normally would not have considered.

THEN yesterday, i went for the feedback on my psychological testing and found out i DO have ADHD-PI (PI= predominately inattentive) and have had it my whole life.

So a big part of my early trauma is now explained-- i was raised by a third-generation perfectionist and i had a disorder that meant i made a lot of mistakes and forgot stuff all the time and was shamed all day every day for it.

So NOW i have to find a whole new treatment team BUT i am also eligible for accommodations at my job which i am totally going to pursue.

I am going to be allowed to work at home on anything that requires sustained attention, so that way i can use my office hours exclusively for meetings and my staff's petty dramas and i won't be trying to like, put together the annual budget while people are in and out having crises all day.

Yesterday i got called for an interview for that branch manager job and now that my assistant isn't mad, i don't know why i applied. I have to call back and decline the interview, which i hope does not hurt me if i ever apply to that system again.

Anyway, big emotional roller coaster.

I guess i will go and revive the ADHD thread now

[cathexis]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I found this article on Somatic Therapies, which include EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. I did not vet the source so YMMV.

I get the basic principle but i am wondering how it would work with cPTSD? Like, we can't do The Rape or The Battery or The Bullying. Like, I have so many traumas that i cannot even keep track at this point.

How is the therapist going to know which one is causing the disruption? And if they all are, how will we ever get through all of them when i can't even make a complete list anymore AND new ones keep happening?

My big issue is emotional avoidance-- i see myself do it all the time, like when we are helping my dad into and out of his wheelchair from the car, etc.

It is difficult to watch, so i am busily examining the trees next to the car, or the cracks in the pavement, etc. all while my hands are holding onto his belt, etc.

I am guiding him and encouraging him but i am also dividing my focus so that i can turn my attention away from the sadness i see to the wasp nest on the garage or whatever, like "oh god oh god poor dad why why why why-- hey i wonder if those are yellowjackets or dirt daubers i should google-- oh go oh god why why-- hey that crack in the pavement looks like a slice of pizza-- oh no he had an accident he must be so humiliated-- hey look the azaleas are blooming"

Traumas that happen during that process get kind of cocooned and submerged and overlooked but they are piling up still almost weekly. Any therapy that has to do with reexperiencing memories is not going to find all of the memories, is all i am saying.

Couple of womyn I know have done a repeat scene of The Rape or Battery where they've taken control. It's pretty edgy, but if it works then more power to them. Doing that is something I have mentioned to my Partner.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.