PTSD and Trauma recovery

[JustLovelyJenn]

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

[firegal]

This topic is too near and dear as 25 years ago today at work the "pang" fire
happened.Arson fire "A" platoon my platoon,4 seattle firefighters made the ultimate sacrifice.

In the next 2 weeks were 4 days for body recovery which was us and 5 memorials to honor those taken.

It changed all of our lives and careers.Part of the job I chose I never thought about..... cause and effect.

It took me years to accept the term PTSD.

It is real and it is here for many,my life is better due to my realization and acceptance of such.

[justkim]

Trauma humor... it's alive and well within these four walls.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I need to find a therapist. I know there is shit I am not dealing with and feel like I can't talk about. But, I have state insurance and I cant find a competent therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I am feeling frustrated and a little like I am drowning. I am not sure what to do. Do I start looking out of my area and travel an hour to therapy a couple times a month? Do I just give up and start looking shit up on my own again and hoping I can find enough motivation to walk my way through the therapies that may help...

Ugh, I know it effects so many parts of my life, and I know I am just shoving shit down, and I know that means that eventually I blow and anyone in radius gets hit with PTSD shrapnel as it flies out of me in every direction... But I am feeling stuck.

it is OUTRAGEOUSLY hard to find a therapist. I just had a 2nd session with my new one after being on wait lists all over town since October and i have "good" insurance.

My new therapist is literally an hour away from me AND the only appointment i could get lets out right at rush hour BUT she specializes in LGBT and ADHD.

I want to scream every time i see mental health PSAs that say stuff like "help is available if you only ask"

NO IT IS NOT

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

[dark_crystal]

As long as you are holding space for her productive behavior to the same extent you are enforcing accountability for her dysfunctional behavior you are doing everything there is for you to do.

Hugs to you, i know it is hard

[dark_crystal]

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day

She said last week that most people think it's fun

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day

She said last week that most people think it's fun

It doesn't usually change much - I'm surprised they would want to do it again, unless you've had a brain injury or something. Don't sweat it!

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous

We did not finish the test last week. We will finish today i think. She said it does not have to be done all at once

[Martina]

Unusual for a therapist to give a Wechsler. I assume she's a clinical psychologist. She said most people enjoy it? Does that suggest she gives them often? Trippy for a therapist to be administering these often. I can't imagine the context. Obviously for a complete evaluation, but therapists rarely need or use those. And people who give them often are usually people whose jobs are doing psych evals, not therapy. It's none of my business, and you're smart and well-educated so I assume there's a good reason. I'm kind of like Georgia_Ma'am in thinking they usually get re-done after a brain injury for people applying for disability or something. But there's lots I don't know.

[dark_crystal]

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

[ZoeyJayne]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by ZoeyJayne

Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Thank you Zoey,

My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok.

She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.

Is it not possible for her to go to a long-term facility? If she believes she can succeed there and she wants to go and it is financially possible, maybe that is where she should be. As a former troubled teen inpatient, i think it is good that she wants that?

And even if there is no reason why she should be able to succeed there any better than anywhere else, the fact that she is choosing it kind of builds in some motivation and offers an opportunity to get her to commit to some accountability for her progress while she is there.

[Kelt]

Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD

Assigned reading, very difficult to accept. My life on so many pages.

Don’t know if others here have heard of it.