Open Letter: Dear Femme

Apocalipstic · 11-30-2009, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arwen

I think maybe you've just hit on a very important point. Because we ourselves accept those roles, we don't push our own envelopes. We don't become all we can be (sorry for the motto, lol).

Maybe by remaining "just" partners or wives or girlfriends or however we style that relationship...maybe we keep ourselves down.

I am not saying we all do this, but I think there is a percentage that do. And it's probably easier, right? Tell them you are a _____ and let them relate to you on that level and that level only. Keeps intimacy controllable. Manageable. Not so scary.

Do we as femmes perpetuate the role of femme? The giggles and flirting and all the rest?

and is the role of Femme with giggles and flirting a bad thing, or is it an escape from everyday hard work?

apretty · 11-30-2009, 02:03 PM

i'm not following the conversation. i mean, post 147 made sense and then i'm lost again for at least a page. help?

Apocalipstic · 11-30-2009, 02:21 PM

I was responding to the thread as a whole, are there specific things you don't understand or can't follow in my posts? Am I not making sense?

I thought we were sharing our truths as Femme and what it means to us?

Will you explain how I should have responded? I sometimes take things and am too literal. My deepest appologies for messing up the thread.

apretty · 11-30-2009, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I was responding to the thread as a whole, are there specific things you don't understand or can't follow in my posts? Am I not making sense?

I thought we were sharing our truths as Femme and what it means to us?

Will you explain how I should have responded? I sometimes take things and am too literal. My deepest appologies for messing up the thread.

sorry, i didn't mean for you to take my 'confusion' personally. i was in no way addressing you, rather acknowledging my own sense of not being able to follow the last couple of pages--the conversation 'shift'. i did read your truth-post and could relate to your definition of 'you'.

IrishGrrl · 11-30-2009, 02:54 PM

As a femme, I feel powerful, strong. confident, inspiried.

But..

Are we hesitant to show our vunerable side for fear of being seen as just a weak female?

Most of the time, I dont want anyone to see my vunerablilities, my tears, my saddness...I dont want to be seen like less than the ass kicking femme I am..

anyone else?

Isadora · 11-30-2009, 04:38 PM

I am femme, flawed and fabulous. It has always been who I am from the inside out. It is a constant learning process to know who I am, I am never completely formed.

I am strong and independent. I am weak and inter-dependent. I am a very social being and everything seems to hurt deeply, especially as I age (we won't even start about being OLD and femme). When my self feels unsafe I am lucky to have people who will keep their promises and understand that being sensationally weak is not a bad thing. Asking for help from someone I respect, love and trust relieves me, it does not make me dependent.

I am loud and I am quiet. I have worked hard to know the difference between choosing to be silent and being silenced. It takes wisdom to do the first and alertness to recognize the second.

I am bossy, all the way to passive depending on the situation. Again knowing when to be which is always the hard part. I have learned a lot about myself and the choices I have made in my life. I like being in control until I don't like it. LOL

I am hurt and I am angry. I try to channel my own hurt and anger into positive action, but I am the first to admit, that it does not always work. We have been conditioned and socialized to be passive-aggressive as a way to handle our hurt and anger. (Great book on this called: Social Aggression among Girls by Marion K. Underwood, I read several years ago. She shares her extensive research that looks at how we are socialized to be socially aggressive and how suppressed anger/hurt effects our social interactions with other girls/women.) Sometimes my anger comes out as silence, a deep void of rage that swirls into a vortex of inner turmoil. Sometimes it is channeled into social action and sometimes I just scream.

I range from emotionally present to absent depending on my own feeling of safety. I find, again as I age, that my feelings are right on my skin and things that I would just let pass in the past, I won't. some things are not worth the effort and I let them go. Then there are some things I refuse to be silent about, I feel more deeply and sadness is released in tears and heart-ache. I am vulnerable now, only to the people I deeply trust, and those people get fewer and fewer.

I don't always need to be understood by anyone but me and I want to be accepted as who I am as a individual human being. I don't always want to be healed, I want to be heard. I don't always want to have to define myself, I just want to be seen. I don't always want to explain my choices, I just want them accepted as fully mine. I fight to keep my Shirley Valentine alive.

I am a a bell curve not a duality. My self is fluid. I hope it is always that way.

evolveme · 11-30-2009, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isadora

I don't always need to be understood by anyone but me and I want to be accepted as who I am as a individual human being. I don't always want to be healed, I want to be heard. I don't always want to have to define myself, I just want to be seen. I don't always want to explain my choices, I just want them accepted as fully mine. I fight to keep my Shirley Valentine alive.

I am a a bell curve not a duality. My self is fluid. I hope it is always that way.

Isadora, your whole post was beautiful, but this part, I especially loved and related to. Thank you so much for posting it here.

Arwen · 12-01-2009, 12:22 AM

Label me. Define me & you starve yourself of yourself. Nail me down in a box with cold words & the box will be your coffin. ---Rumi

Do you think Rumi was reading this thread before we wrote it?

Lynn · 12-01-2009, 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arwen

Label me. Define me & you starve yourself of yourself. Nail me down in a box with cold words & the box will be your coffin. ---Rumi

Do you think Rumi was reading this thread before we wrote it?

Shit. Yes. The little hairs on my arms are standing on end.

Bit · 12-01-2009, 09:03 AM

Dear Goddess, I'm now nine pages behind and the convo has moved far, far past the place where I left off... I am afraid that if I start responding to things back on page three, page four, it will be a derailment of sorts. This is going to take some thinking....

apretty · 12-01-2009, 09:38 AM

from the first page of this thread i've kept thinking: "master's tools/master's house"

so, i went looking for more Audre Lorde, (sure she was trying to get in on the conversation/at least in my head)

"There's always someone asking you to underline one piece of yourself -- whether it's Black, woman, mother, dyke, teacher, etc. -- because that's the piece that they need to key in to. They want to dismiss everything else."

and

"I am who I am, doing what I came to do, acting upon you like a drug or chisel or remind you of your me-ness as I discover you in myself."

i feel like this, especially the last quote, is how we all fit together. (and it feels fucking fantastic)

evolveme · 12-03-2009, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apretty

from the first page of this thread i've kept thinking: "master's tools/master's house"

so, i went looking for more Audre Lorde, (sure she was trying to get in on the conversation/at least in my head)

"There's always someone asking you to underline one piece of yourself -- whether it's Black, woman, mother, dyke, teacher, etc. -- because that's the piece that they need to key in to. They want to dismiss everything else."

and

"I am who I am, doing what I came to do, acting upon you like a drug or chisel or remind you of your me-ness as I discover you in myself."

i feel like this, especially the last quote, is how we all fit together. (and it feels fucking fantastic)

This all deserves a repeat.

11-30-2009, 02:21 PM	#3
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,362 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I was responding to the thread as a whole, are there specific things you don't understand or can't follow in my posts? Am I not making sense? I thought we were sharing our truths as Femme and what it means to us? Will you explain how I should have responded? I sometimes take things and am too literal. My deepest appologies for messing up the thread. __________________

11-30-2009, 02:54 PM	#5
IrishGrrl Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Femme Leatherdyke Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: In a relationship/non-monogamous Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 877 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 276 Thanked 1,209 Times in 366 Posts Rep Power: 2427288	hmmmm As a femme, I feel powerful, strong. confident, inspiried. But.. Are we hesitant to show our vunerable side for fear of being seen as just a weak female? Most of the time, I dont want anyone to see my vunerablilities, my tears, my saddness...I dont want to be seen like less than the ass kicking femme I am.. anyone else?

11-30-2009, 04:38 PM	#6
Isadora Member How Do You Identify?: Momma, Ma'am Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: I am in love. Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: California Posts: 997 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 502 Thanked 2,127 Times in 559 Posts Rep Power: 2369288	I am femme, flawed and fabulous. It has always been who I am from the inside out. It is a constant learning process to know who I am, I am never completely formed. I am strong and independent. I am weak and inter-dependent. I am a very social being and everything seems to hurt deeply, especially as I age (we won't even start about being OLD and femme). When my self feels unsafe I am lucky to have people who will keep their promises and understand that being sensationally weak is not a bad thing. Asking for help from someone I respect, love and trust relieves me, it does not make me dependent. I am loud and I am quiet. I have worked hard to know the difference between choosing to be silent and being silenced. It takes wisdom to do the first and alertness to recognize the second. I am bossy, all the way to passive depending on the situation. Again knowing when to be which is always the hard part. I have learned a lot about myself and the choices I have made in my life. I like being in control until I don't like it. LOL I am hurt and I am angry. I try to channel my own hurt and anger into positive action, but I am the first to admit, that it does not always work. We have been conditioned and socialized to be passive-aggressive as a way to handle our hurt and anger. (Great book on this called: Social Aggression among Girls by Marion K. Underwood, I read several years ago. She shares her extensive research that looks at how we are socialized to be socially aggressive and how suppressed anger/hurt effects our social interactions with other girls/women.) Sometimes my anger comes out as silence, a deep void of rage that swirls into a vortex of inner turmoil. Sometimes it is channeled into social action and sometimes I just scream. I range from emotionally present to absent depending on my own feeling of safety. I find, again as I age, that my feelings are right on my skin and things that I would just let pass in the past, I won't. some things are not worth the effort and I let them go. Then there are some things I refuse to be silent about, I feel more deeply and sadness is released in tears and heart-ache. I am vulnerable now, only to the people I deeply trust, and those people get fewer and fewer. I don't always need to be understood by anyone but me and I want to be accepted as who I am as a individual human being. I don't always want to be healed, I want to be heard. I don't always want to have to define myself, I just want to be seen. I don't always want to explain my choices, I just want them accepted as fully mine. I fight to keep my Shirley Valentine alive. I am a a bell curve not a duality. My self is fluid. I hope it is always that way. __________________ "I have a respect for manners as such, they are a way of dealing with people you don't agree with or like." Margaret Mead Read me! www.leatherati.com

12-01-2009, 12:22 AM	#8
Arwen Joy Seeker How Do You Identify?: Smartly-Flavored Preferred Pronoun?: Goddess Relationship Status: Mrs. Syzygy 1/9/14 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Joyville, NM (aka Land of Enchantment) Posts: 10,140 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,636 Thanked 28,119 Times in 6,414 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	Label me. Define me & you starve yourself of yourself. Nail me down in a box with cold words & the box will be your coffin. ---Rumi Do you think Rumi was reading this thread before we wrote it? __________________ I wrote a book, y'all! *FREE* Tarotscopes Seek Joy, y'all. Eschew hate. 9Words: A Poetry Challenge \| Do you like me?

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11-30-2009, 02:03 PM	#2
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,373 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	i'm not following the conversation. i mean, post 147 made sense and then i'm lost again for at least a page. help?

12-01-2009, 09:03 AM	#10
Bit Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Stonefemme Relationship Status: married to Gryph Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Wichita, KS Posts: 2,177 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,126 Thanked 3,770 Times in 1,264 Posts Rep Power: 10778870	Dear Goddess, I'm now nine pages behind and the convo has moved far, far past the place where I left off... I am afraid that if I start responding to things back on page three, page four, it will be a derailment of sorts. This is going to take some thinking....

12-01-2009, 09:38 AM	#11
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,373 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	from the first page of this thread i've kept thinking: "master's tools/master's house" so, i went looking for more Audre Lorde, (sure she was trying to get in on the conversation/at least in my head) "There's always someone asking you to underline one piece of yourself -- whether it's Black, woman, mother, dyke, teacher, etc. -- because that's the piece that they need to key in to. They want to dismiss everything else." and "I am who I am, doing what I came to do, acting upon you like a drug or chisel or remind you of your me-ness as I discover you in myself." i feel like this, especially the last quote, is how we all fit together. (and it feels fucking fantastic)