The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[Corkey]

I don't have a brain injury so I really can't speak to the filters or how one has to use coping mechanisms. I do know that I take everyone at face value and at their word. I do try harder to understand when a person with a TBI is expressing a view point that I may not get right away. Is that a pass, no I don't think so, I think it is me giving that person more space to get their view point across. Perhaps because I know so many who do have TBI I don't jump to conclusions about what they have said.
My .02

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I don't have a brain injury so I really can't speak to the filters or how one has to use coping mechanisms. I do know that I take everyone at face value and at their word. I do try harder to understand when a person with a TBI is expressing a view point that I may not get right away. Is that a pass, no I don't think so, I think it is me giving that person more space to get their view point across. Perhaps because I know so many who do have TBI I don't jump to conclusions about what they have said.
My .02

No, trying harder to understand a person is not giving them a pass.
That is human compassion and we all need it!

I love the ways I've seen you be patient.

I'm speaking more about writing stuff that is outright wrong, and people giving a different set of rules to a person who has a different-ability.

I used TBI because it is what I can speak to personally, from a *me* place.

There are lots of things that can make our filters not work, or the way that we relate to others different, not just TBI.

I really hope other people come in and post from other perspectives, because there are so many.

Thank you Corkey, for your response.

[DamonK]

Online you would not know my disabilities.

In real life, you would have a greater chance of noticing I'm deaf. And have lousy eye hand coordination due to being blind in one eye.

I work hard daily at "passing" as a hearing person. I do this simply because I absolutely HATE being treated differently just because I can't hear the way others can.

I hate the jokes that come my way the few times that I just can't "pass". I'd rather it be ignored, because I've spent a lifetime appearing like hearing people.

I don't want a free pass.

I want to be accepted for who I am; no more, no less.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by DamonK

Online you would not know my disabilities.

In real life, you would have a greater chance of noticing I'm deaf. And have lousy eye hand coordination due to being blind in one eye.

I work hard daily at "passing" as a hearing person. I do this simply because I absolutely HATE being treated differently just because I can't hear the way others can.

I hate the jokes that come my way the few times that I just can't "pass". I'd rather it be ignored, because I've spent a lifetime appearing like hearing people.

I don't want a free pass.

I want to be accepted for who I am; no more, no less.

I love this post and it so resonates with me.

The only time I get a little weird is when people become violent/angry with me for using my handicap placard when I park.

The placard outs me, but the world doesn't seem to understand invisible disabilities like TBI. Which can be frustrating and I don't know a good answer for that other than to be patient with people who get upset.

I want to let you know that here, you are accepted. Just how you are.

[christie]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I love this post and it so resonates with me.

The only time I get a little weird is when people become violent/angry with me for using my handicap placard when I park.

The placard outs me, but the world doesn't seem to understand invisible disabilities like TBI. Which can be frustrating and I don't know a good answer for that other than to be patient with people who get upset.

I want to let you know that here, you are accepted. Just how you are.

I'm posting without reading the whole thread but I did want to say that as the parent of child with invisible disabilities, this point really hit home with me.

I have lived through the judgements of what appear to be behavioral/lack of discipline issues. From my parent, siblings, other family members and complete strangers. I often thought it would be a much easier road if Bratboy's disability was visible - people seem to have much more compassion and tolerance when it is visible.

For me, in interacting with others (who may or may not have disclosed a disability or neuro-diversity), I always try (and hopefully succeed more than I fail) to not hear their words in *my* tone or in *my* voice. I have spent the last almost 17 years finding ways to explain things to Bratboy or to teach him with different methods or to grasp that very teeny tiny straw of patience/tolerance when I think the reserves are spent.

I do admit when I see post from folks who have disclosed such personal information, I, more often than not, try to apply to their words the same lens I would if I were reading my son's words. I then temper my response (if I make one at all) in a manner that I would want folks to use with Bratboy.

I always try to do this from a place of compassion rather than one of dismissal. I have found that I listen/read/process a differently-able'ds words and probably give them a lot more thought than I do someone who hasn't said they are differentlyabled.

If I see an asswipe post from a person who isn't differently abled, I might think, quickly, "What an asswipe."

The same words from a DA person and I usually pause and wonder, "Where did that come from?" and then go on to backtrack posts to see if I can find the catalyst or disconnect.

Maybe I am wrong in this and the DA person is just being an asswipe. Maybe I should have the same reaction regardless as to ability. *shrugs* Good points to ponder, at least for me.

I really hope that DA's are being heard. Heaven knows if I had dismissed my son's experience in the world, mine would certainly be very rigid, less colorful and with so much less laughter and joy.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I can be a dick, this I know. I broke up with someone for LYING to me about their disorder.

Not because they had it, because they lied to me and did not disclose this info to me.

I guess you could say it's harsh and I've little empathy.

I truly do believe though, having a difference be it invisible or not, DOES NOT give you a free pass to manipulate or deceive.

That's how I roll though

[Gayla]

For me, it kind of goes back to what I said in the other thread. We all come here from different places. While I can't say it's a free pass thing, I think I'm more likely to give the benefit of the doubt when I'm aware of external factors. From that honesty place, I also jump less quickly when it's someone I "know".

I think every one of us could find some excuse when we get called out for saying "bad" things. From physical factors to emotional issues to just plain having a bad day, there are always reasons. I guess the question for me is if I say something asshatish and then follow up with an apology and a "having a bad day" excuse, is that any more or less of a pass than someone who offers an apology and a "TBI" excuse.

All that being said, I think we each have a responsibility to participate on an appropriate level. I venture to guess that most of us have a reasonable idea of what appropriate is, or we learn very quickly. For those that truly don't know, and aren't capable of learning for various reasons, I'm really not sure what the answer is for that. I don't want to say, don't participate but I also can't see just letting someone run amok across the site because they "don't know better".

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by gayla

For me, it kind of goes back to what I said in the other thread. We all come here from different places. While I can't say it's a free pass thing, I think I'm more likely to give the benefit of the doubt when I'm aware of external factors. From that honesty place, I also jump less quickly when it's someone I "know".

I think every one of us could find some excuse when we get called out for saying "bad" things. From physical factors to emotional issues to just plain having a bad day, there are always reasons. I guess the question for me is if I say something asshatish and then follow up with an apology and a "having a bad day" excuse, is that any more or less of a pass than someone who offers an apology and a "TBI" excuse.

All that being said, I think we each have a responsibility to participate on an appropriate level. I venture to guess that most of us have a reasonable idea of what appropriate is, or we learn very quickly. For those that truly don't know, and aren't capable of learning for various reasons, I'm really not sure what the answer is for that. I don't want to say, don't participate but I also can't see just letting someone run amok across the site because they "don't know better".

Thank you Gayla. Great post, and I totally get what you are saying.

I really really hope that my OP wasn't shaming in any way of those members who do go out of their ways for people. Because if it did? I failed at communicating. I know that people come from amazing places of love and compassion and empathy/sympathy when choosing to be aware of those of us who are differently-abled.

I believe in my heart that everyone is capable of learning. I think in the online context it can be more challenging to get a person like me to "hear" you when you come to me and tell me that I am being an asshat. I have to work super hard to be able to hear. Conversely, that is a choice I make. I choose to be open to criticism, new ideas and different ways of doing things. I choose to not be afraid to fail (and fail miserably sometimes) in a public arena.

There was a time when I chose not to do all of the above. Either way, it is an internal process and choice.

Amok amok amok amok! (sorry. i couldn't help it. i love that word.