The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[Plato]

My experience has been to not say anything about having been on a respirator for 2 months and not having enough oxygen to my brain, which changed me physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Some changes have been for the good. I just celebrated 11 years clean and sober, have a loving spouse and terrific custom-made family, and am on the edge of completing a 4 year college program for a B.S. degree.
Changes that are not so good is mainly that my bio-family doesn't recognize that inside challenges are also "disabilities". {By that I mean that my information processing is very different from the "norm".} They constantly expect and remind me of what I "should" be doing, without taking into account of what I am ABLE to do. It isn't for the lack of ambition, it's because I'm aware of what I'm capable of doing.

My CM-family learn and help each other to overcome our challenges, and help each other with things that are difficult or impossible. For example, the 12 yo supervises me with knifes, tells me to be careful when we are walking, and everyone knows we can not keep a supply of glassware because I tend to forget that I can't hang on to them, which results in broken glass.

Head patting is for sissies. Expect more and get more.

When I hear people say, "Well, He/She was drunk ... {fill in the blank}", it makes me cringe, cause that's the same kind of "pass" being referred to in this thread. To say, it's ok for someone to treat someone else in a crappy way because "He/She is ... {fill in the blank}", not only excuses bad/undesirable behavior, but sets a horrible example for the young ones. Children need to see adults treating each other compassionately and fairly.

[Apocalipstic]

SF, I am so glad that you started this thread, because I do have some questions floating around about different ways of being.

I am very glad Violaine and Christie posted, to see how some of my friends process taking to DA people on the Neurological Spectrum. I am not sure how head injuries play in, but probably similarly?

I must admit I have seen posts, that were so clear and easy to understand for me, that would have seemed asshatish to someone neurotypical, moderated firmly....and then, when I questioned their treatment, have been told "so and so is not stupid. NO, none of us are stupid, but some of us do process things much more literally than others and I think that while I get the not giving anyone special passes, I also question expecting everyone to be able to communicate on the same level.

Because of my own difficulties, I advocate for patience and love and not jumping to the worst possible conclusion automatically for other people. I hope I do not seem patronizing?

I do admit to working really hard all my life to fit in and be able to communicate and behave in a socially acceptable manner. So yes, everyone can work on themselves and make improvements. Absolutely!

Now, I am not saying that other people's reactions to persons who are DA is better or worse than mine, but I (from my ME place) am not a fan of tough love. I understand tough love is an option and that friends whom I love and admire are way more upfront than I am. But for me, having some neurological opportunities of my own, I don't expect a pass but I certainly appreciate those who are kind to me and who take the time to really hear me.

I am not not not saying that we could coddle those people whose lives are constantly a disaster, just I think sometimes kindness and compassion does not have to be belittling or othering.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Ms Apoca I am gonna jump off your post.

So what does one do when you have made it clear, a THOUSAND times with patience, with kindness and the person still does not respect those boundaries?

Do I just chalk it up to the fact they have a disability and they are gonna use that as an excuse time and time again?

Curious how you would handle this cause I don't have a soft buffer like yourself

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Ms Apoca I am gonna jump off your post.

So what does one do when you have made it clear, a THOUSAND times with patience, with kindness and the person still does not respect those boundaries?

Do I just chalk it up to the fact they have a disability and they are gonna use that as an excuse time and time again?

Curious how you would handle this cause I don't have a soft buffer like yourself

I think it depends on whether or not you want to ever interact again with the person.

Some people I just can't communicate with and stress me out even when I have tried to make clear my boundaries. When this happens, I have to just cut bait as it were, and have nothing to do with them again ( I have that option). They may be great people, but I can't go there.

I know you can't do that with your son, with him I know you have to just keep on going no matter how much your head wants to explode. I can't even imagine what it must be like.

So I think where we are different is I walk away and you confront. I have no idea which is better. I remove the person from my life at least for a while, 100% because I don't have the nerves for it. You, being a Mom don't have that option really. I wish sometimes I were more confrontational, but with my issues, it seems healthier to walk away.

[violaine]

[QUOTE=The_Lady_Snow;151869]Ms Apoca I am gonna jump off your post.

So what does one do when you have made it clear, a THOUSAND times with patience, with kindness and the person still does not respect those boundaries?

Do I just chalk it up to the fact they have a disability and they are gonna use that as an excuse time and time again?

Curious how you would handle this cause I don't have a soft buffer like yourself?

TheLadySnow

i was thinking apocalipstic's post was really good [to me] about her ability to understand posts, over the years, which may have been written by DA, and NT moderated.

your question, although it's to apocalipstic, i would like to respond to, please. in my own experiences, i could ask the very same thing about NT's who disrespect boundaries time and time again- do i chalk it up to being the 'majority?"

this is very interesting, because i sometimes have wondered if NT's - DA or not - notice certain things, which can get lost during my translation to someone not on the spectrum, whenever i try to explain what i just heard and/or saw - and these NT words/behaviours can happen rapid-fire.

[SuperFemme]

[quote=violaine;151949]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Ms Apoca I am gonna jump off your post.

So what does one do when you have made it clear, a THOUSAND times with patience, with kindness and the person still does not respect those boundaries?

Do I just chalk it up to the fact they have a disability and they are gonna use that as an excuse time and time again?

Curious how you would handle this cause I don't have a soft buffer like yourself?

TheLadySnow

i was thinking apocalipstic's post was really good [to me] about her ability to understand posts, over the years, which may have been written by DA, and NT moderated.

your question, although it's to apocalipstic, i would like to respond to, please. in my own experiences, i could ask the very same thing about NT's who disrespect boundaries time and time again- do i chalk it up to being the 'majority?"

this is very interesting, because i sometimes have wondered if NT's notice certain things, which can get lost during my translation to someone not on the spectrum, whenever i try to explain what i just heard and/or saw - and these NT words/behaviours can happen rapid-fire.

What is an NT?
What do you mean by "being the majority"?

[christie]

[quote=SuperFemme;151952]

Originally Posted by violaine

What is an NT?
What do you mean by "being the majority"?

NT = Neuro-Typical

[SuperFemme]

[quote=christie0918;151956]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

NT = Neuro-Typical

ah. thank you

[Corkey]

Neuro typical are the majority of people with brains that function in a typical fashion. I hate using normal, cause there are all kinds of normal.

[The_Lady_Snow]

[quote=violaine;151949]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Ms Apoca I am gonna jump off your post.

So what does one do when you have made it clear, a THOUSAND times with patience, with kindness and the person still does not respect those boundaries?

Do I just chalk it up to the fact they have a disability and they are gonna use that as an excuse time and time again?

Curious how you would handle this cause I don't have a soft buffer like yourself?

TheLadySnow

i was thinking apocalipstic's post was really good [to me] about her ability to understand posts, over the years, which may have been written by DA, and NT moderated.

your question, although it's to apocalipstic, i would like to respond to, please. in my own experiences, i could ask the very same thing about NT's who disrespect boundaries time and time again- do i chalk it up to being the 'majority?"

this is very interesting, because i sometimes have wondered if NT's - DA or not - notice certain things, which can get lost during my translation to someone not on the spectrum, whenever i try to explain what i just heard and/or saw - and these NT words/behaviours can happen rapid-fire.

We have all joined a site, that has a set of rules, we all live in a society with sets of rules. Be we either NT or not we have to abide to the rules and boundaries that are set by one another or that have been already set.

So NT or DA matters not, I could use the fact that english is not my first language and I am dyslexic, then again you are assuming we are all NT no? We all have a knowing of what is right and wrong, if we do not have that comprehension then we are asking for trouble if allowance is being given time and time again because of someone's illness

Make sense?

[Apocalipstic]

[quote=The_Lady_Snow;152040]

Originally Posted by violaine

We have all joined a site, that has a set of rules, we all live in a society with sets of rules. Be we either NT or not we have to abide to the rules and boundaries that are set by one another or that have been already set.

So NT or DA matters not, I could use the fact that english is not my first language and I am dyslexic, then again you are assuming we are all NT no? We all have a knowing of what is right and wrong, if we do not have that comprehension then we are asking for trouble if allowance is being given time and time again because of someone's illness

Make sense?

You are right we do have to have the same rules for everyone.

But say if you said something some people took wrong and I knew it was because English is not your first language, I would say so and be supportive of you.

I really like it that we have time outs on this website before full on banning, so people can think about what they did to break the rules.

Is it possible that some people have too much going on to be a valuable asset to an on line community?

[MrSunshine]

[quote=apocalipstic;152046]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Is it possible that some people have too much going on to be a valuable asset to an on line community?

This is a damn good question.

[The_Lady_Snow]

[quote=apocalipstic;152046]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

You are right we do have to have the same rules for everyone.

But say if you said something some people took wrong and I knew it was because English is not your first language, I would say so and be supportive of you.

I really like it that we have time outs on this website before full on banning, so people can think about what they did to break the rules.

Is it possible that some people have too much going on to be a valuable asset to an on line community?

Because I know I have to decipher things from spanish to english, then fucking read through the cryptic lettering and put it all together in my head I watch what I say.

I read posts sometimes 20 times and still I fuck up, I don't expect anyone to pat pat me or use a different filter.

*I* don't want that.

I am just the same as everyone else with the same rules

[violaine]

[QUOTE=The_Lady_Snow;152040][quote=violaine;151949]


We have all joined a site, that has a set of rules, we all live in a society with sets of rules. Be we either NT or not we have to abide to the rules and boundaries that are set by one another or that have been already set.

yes, this site has rules, and yes, there are individuals here who have set boundaries.

So NT or DA matters not, I could use the fact that english is not my first language and I am dyslexic, then again you are assuming we are all NT no?

assumptions, no - & not 'all'.

We all have a knowing of what is right and wrong, if we do not have that comprehension then we are asking for trouble if allowance is being given time and time again because of someone's illness

Make sense?

not exactly!

i'm not sure that i agree with you on the following: 'we all' have a knowing of what is right and wrong".

actually, some things may not be a matter of right or wrong, they may 'just be' - and without any kind of agenda.

i do like to ask for further clarification whenever i'm unsure on a topic, and hope not be read as being in the wrong, or out to start trouble.

ps- if i fork up, please let me know, and i will apologise.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Plato

My experience has been to not say anything about having been on a respirator for 2 months and not having enough oxygen to my brain, which changed me physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Some changes have been for the good. I just celebrated 11 years clean and sober, have a loving spouse and terrific custom-made family, and am on the edge of completing a 4 year college program for a B.S. degree.
Changes that are not so good is mainly that my bio-family doesn't recognize that inside challenges are also "disabilities". {By that I mean that my information processing is very different from the "norm".} They constantly expect and remind me of what I "should" be doing, without taking into account of what I am ABLE to do. It isn't for the lack of ambition, it's because I'm aware of what I'm capable of doing.

My CM-family learn and help each other to overcome our challenges, and help each other with things that are difficult or impossible. For example, the 12 yo supervises me with knifes, tells me to be careful when we are walking, and everyone knows we can not keep a supply of glassware because I tend to forget that I can't hang on to them, which results in broken glass.

Head patting is for sissies. Expect more and get more.

When I hear people say, "Well, He/She was drunk ... {fill in the blank}", it makes me cringe, cause that's the same kind of "pass" being referred to in this thread. To say, it's ok for someone to treat someone else in a crappy way because "He/She is ... {fill in the blank}", not only excuses bad/undesirable behavior, but sets a horrible example for the young ones. Children need to see adults treating each other compassionately and fairly.

Thanks honey. In case anyone didn't know we're married, Plato and I.

It was kismet that two people with brain injuries found each other. We were paralyzed on opposite sides of our bodies, so together we are a complete and functioning right and left.

I know that we both get our different abilities dismissed by our families. In some ugly ways.

I know that you and the kids understand that I cannot taste or smell. You all try to have food ideas that involve texture. The children know that the loss of two of my senses heightened the ones I have left. So if a stranger were to observe our family eat potato chips it would probably come off as very fucking strange. Everyone gingerly tries to fish a chip out of the bag without making crinkling noises. OR they dump them all out and get rid of the bag FAST so as to end the crinkling.

Noises hurt my head and make me feel very very angry. Paper is the worst I think.

We all take care of each other but nobody "gets away" with anything. Ever. We have a tough crowd. The kids have to have patience with two parents operating on limited short term and long term memory. So they are responsible for writing stuff down. Otherwise I am going to get mad and insist "I never said that".

Conversely, they both know how to use those very things to their advantage and will "work it". Sigh.

Thank god for chosen family.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

We all take care of each other but nobody "gets away" with anything. Ever. We have a tough crowd.
Thank god for chosen family.

Plus, our chosen family has grown by one for a few weeks.
She is learning some patience skills by osmosis .....