Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 22



The Landscape of Words



Paint takes time to dry; I work with words. I say azure and you are there with me, even if I am far from this mortal coil, my pigments stay fresh as long as you know blue, as long as you can hear me, read me, see me. I paint 6X8 cell and we are imprisoned together, trapped, til I tell you of the key I slipped into your shoe. I love the flow of watercolor, adore the mushy paste of oil, but nothing beats the world we paint and repaint here on this page.




Explain why frogs don’t have wings


*

GAME PLAYING

My Higher Power doesn’t play me like a board game.
Doesn’t monopolize my time or put me in jeopardy.
My trouble is my own.

I pursue trivia at my discretion.
I take or reject risk at will.
I scrabble my thoughts and am sorry when I make mistakes
.
But don’t expect to live in a candy land.
When I stick my hand in a mouse trap
Or fall down shoots and need to climb up ladders.

I know the game may not be over
But it is far too late to play let’s make a deal.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 23



Before Ophelia


Young women drown themselves before Shakespeare immortalized, memorialized Ophelia. But having a poster child changes us. Cautionary tale or rallying cry, Ophelia is a hand to hold on dark cold days when the light is hard to find and everything seems bent toward destruction. Not that I think she solved anything with her despondent act just that she stands in the familiar frame I find myself in from time to time. When I imagine I’ve invented the wheel it makes it harder to step down and walk. Ophelia’s fate makes it easier to get off depression’s bus and find my way back home.





Press your excuses for truth

*

TOOTH FAIRY

I slide my hand under the pillow
And am disappointed not to find a quarter.
I feel I deserve one though I didn’t leave a tooth.
I did leave my bite, I’ve toned down my bark a bit too.
It has not been easy.

I’ve spent much of my life snapping and growling
At the world around me.
I have shortened the leash on these reactive behaviors
Many I have put to bed all together.

Improved conduct is prize enough
But I surely would enjoy a winged visitor
If only just for fun.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 24


Speak!


Are there songs a bird must not sing while communing with the flock? Do fish learn to restrain their expressions while schooling? Or are we the only animal versed in the language of taboo? I wonder when I hear the cows lowing in the night are they giving whispered voice to things they longed to moo about all day. I know what to keep inside, things too flamboyant for out of doors. I understand to keep body and soul together I must keep down and hush, but when I complain to my pup does she comprehend or is it just blah, blah, blah, in her world of speak it like it is?




If your pallet is limited broaden your ideas

*


SHARING

Please take a bite of my PB&J,
I made it myself, it is fine as it is
I slathered the bread and cut it neatly
Still I can’t help but want to offer some to you.

I know to stand and smile next to you
Watch you lick the peanut butter from the roof of your mouth
Have you dab jelly from the corner of my lips
Will make this sandwich even better.

You bring so much to this meal
Something bright and clever --you bring you.
I can pull things together and set it all up
But somehow my creation is never quite complete
Until I share it with you.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 25


Dear G-d

I need help. I need help availing myself of the help you have provided me. I am embarrassed to lack the ability to complete all the steps necessary for achieving the goals you have set before me. I see now that it is always my turn with you and I can stop standing aside believing that I have had your attention and must now do without. I do not want to ask for more; I don’t want to seem greedy. I forget that you know my heart and that you trust me. I am going to make that a two-way street, maybe a four-lane highway. I need help, thank you for being help full.

Love,

Sherrie





The obvious is sometimes invisible

*


ACCESS

Writing to you my Sweet,
Allows me to give what I have available
At the moment it comes into my possession.

You reading lets you invite me in,
When you are ready or willing
Possibly both.

I can store succulent treasure for you
Without the least consideration of
Freezer burn or apathy.

You are here when I want you,
Yearning and prepared
I am yours for the taking

In the classroom, the bedroom
Or even in your bath
I can whisper or shout to you.

I can rant or tell jokes to you
You can embrace or ignore me
Introduce me to your friends
Or keep me your own personal province.

We are intimates
Because I bare my soul to you
And you take me into yours.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Hello friends of Bill, Lois, Jimmy and many others,

We are working to put together places and times for meetings. June has offered us her suite at 10:30 AM following the 8 to 10 coffee set up there. I would like an idea of the numbers of people planning to attend meetings at the Reunion; depending on the numbers of members and time preferences, Tommi and I are more than willing to make our room available also.
Please private message me and let me know so I can give June a heads up about days and times for the schedule.

Thank you very much,

Sherrie

[PearlsNLace]

I am finding that Im in a new space of vulnerability right now. I get that it means Im at a great opportunity to grow, but it sucks at the moment.

I was in full blown HALT mode yesterday. And found that I wanted a beer after work. I did what I have been trained to do. I got on the phone. Talked to folk who get it.
Then I ate. Went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsees. Wrote to my sponsor.
Did some step work.
Rested.
Later, I went to a fair festival. I told my partner Im having a rough time, and that the beer was a trigger for me. He listened. It mattered.
I didnt drink.

But Im humbled again today. I am reminded that years dont really matter. Ive only really got today.

I chose rest over a meeting today. I did speak with several in program though. I am going to a meeting tomorrow. Im glad I have a service commitment to see through.

Im on my way to bed. Still feeling vulnerable, fragile. I broke into tears tonight when paphigleo got home, over little things. None of it felt little at that moment. And I only 2/3rds believe it was little now. But I was able to talk. Our precious program has given me the skill set to talk. It hurt to do so. But we got through it. Ive got a good partner, and he hears me out.

Im facing some body issues right now that are really messing with my head. I get that we hold stuff in our noggins till we can deal with and process it. Im glad I have friends, and a structure of support and tools to help me be present for it.

My life is damn good today, and I know it. The problems I have are pretty fancy. I do know that. Im taking a deep breath as I write it all. The problems still hurt though. Im not writing this for pity or for any response at all. Im writing cause the butch femme community has been a part of my network for years, an integral part of the sober person I am today.

On another note, we wont be able to go to the reunion because we just cant cover the travel+time from work+ and a room for just us. On one hand, Im disapointed. On the other, my fatigue makes me think resting in my own back yard may be just where Im suppose to be. I guess I really need to keep focusing on today. I just keep bouncing out.

I may go to work tomorrow with my 24 hour coin in my pocket...

[TenderKnight]

Day 4 clean and sober.. I'm starting to feel alllll the aches and pains I've numbed out the last few months.. But you know, I am grateful for them. I'm grateful to be really TIRED and not just stoned or high or so friggin full of pain meds that all I can do is toss and turn and scrach my back until it bleeds or being tired and not being able to sleep because I took too many pills and am pacing my apartment.. I'm thanking God for the stabbing pain I get in my side every night toward the end of my shift.. I know that it is part of me and part of my life.

I talked with a friend in the Program today for an hour and half.. Really connected with him and it felt awesome. I am grateful for my life and being able to FEEL again.. The good stuff and the bad stuff.. It is all part of me and my life and I get to feel it again.

Meeting with my sponcer tomorrow and going to start my steps over again.. I am also going to try to catch a meeting, no.. Scratch that, i will be going to a meeting.. There is an NA round robin type meeting a block away.. I haven't been to an NA meeting in over a year.. I think that is where I need to be.

Thank you all for writing and sharing in this thread.. realtime Fellowship is vital, but this thread has been saving my ass from falling off.. Thank you.

-Tony