Negotiating Silence

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Arwen

I think Silencing is a form of shunning/ostracizing. We will not all get along. That's a fact, Jack. But we can behave in socially acceptable ways towards one another.

However, then we have to determine what is "socially acceptable."

In some groups, it is socially acceptable to send PM's or talk about someone behind their back.

I've done this to you, SuperFemme. I am using this example because you and I discussed this. We repaired what I allowed to happen by listening to and by perpetuating some rather unpleasant gossip. It is one of the reasons I try my best not to say anything behind someone's back that I would not say to their face. It's an important thing in my life.

I have been silenced by others telling me that my way of communicating in written form is demeaning or belittling. I do have a dogmatic way of communicating. I do not like that I have hurt people unintentionally. However, I know for a fact that I have hurt people intentionally. Not proud of that but I will also not allow anyone to use that as a weapon to silence me.

I've set up some pretty firm boundaries about avoiding those who do gossip in mean ways. I have to quantify that with "in mean ways" because if gossip is talking about someone, then I gossip a lot. I talk about Pixiestars and how much I enjoy her company. I mention Shariberry's shopping abilities. I am a horrible gossip about Ashton's tour guide skills. Or tell someone that they must buy Diva's CD because it is most excellent. Or read any of the 9Word poets' work. ETC.

If gossip is mean-spirited, then I will self-correct myself. I will say out loud that I do not want to talk about someone behind their back and correct that behaviour. If I do not want to be around gossips, I can't be one, right? And Gods know, I've been one!

I do see gossip as Silencing. And again, I am sorry for what I did to you rather than go directly to you.

I think gossip is inherently mean spirited. I also think that certain people are just a recipe for disaster when they bring out the worst in others.

I think one of the most healing moments for me was when you apologized to me. So please stop now, I forgive you. Your apology was a gift because it validated the months of crazy making. It was brave of you to do so and I am eternally grateful.

Interestingly, I chose to not engage and silenced myself during that time period. My health could not take the toxic nature of thinking about it. Yet the silence imposed was deafening.

There was not necessarily a power imbalance but at times it was perceived by me to be one. I had to do the work around that.

It's not unimportant that we live in a world where boundaries are being blurred about privacy and a demand to know is pervasive. Take the Tiger Woods incident. How dare he not make a statement! I want to vomit everytime I hear about it.