Forgiveness

[Isadora]

It is really hard to admit what I am not good at this mostly because of the judgmental attitudes of people who do not understand my history. Making assumptions about how or who or what I forgive or don't is also harmful to me.

I certainly understand the need to forgive. I understand the need to be at peace inside. They are not mutually exclusive. In some ways hanging onto anger or rage and using it to make changes has been the major channel for me.

As a retired social worker who worked with abused women, men and children, some things are unforgivable. Some things are unforgettable. I just want to make sure they/us are not blamed or deemed "less than" for not forgiving unspeakable horrors. My scars are literally a daily reminder of my abuse. Abuse whether mental, physical, emotional is not acceptable in any form. Forgiving it is not an option for me.

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Isadora

It is really hard to admit what I am not good at this mostly because of the judgmental attitudes of people who do not understand my history. Making assumptions about how or who or what I forgive or don't is also harmful to me.

I certainly understand the need to forgive. I understand the need to be at peace inside. They are not mutually exclusive. In some ways hanging onto anger or rage and using it to make changes has been the major channel for me.

As a retired social worker who worked with abused women, men and children, some things are unforgivable. Some things are unforgettable. I just want to make sure they/us are not blamed or deemed "less than" for not forgiving unspeakable horrors. My scars are literally a daily reminder of my abuse. Abuse whether mental, physical, emotional is not acceptable in any form. Forgiving it is not an option for me.

You touch on such important issues here. We all heal differently and at various speeds. The same goes with forgiveness. Nobody should be judged for how they process their own personal hurts.

I do think, perpetuating it by taking on the "eye for an eye," can be damaging most to yourself. Which is why I need to let things go. It is damaging enough to be hurt, it is even more damaging to oneself to continue it. (for me, no judgment here).

As you know from your work. I was (not literally) one of the women who you counselled... In order for me to heal through my emotional scars of my abuse, I needed to forgive those who perpetrated them. When asked to speak publicly of my abuse and how I worked through it - when I told them part of my healing was forgiving - I was told I was wrong and in a sense giving permission back to them to repeat their abuse. That it was WRONG to forgive the abuser. For some people, this is wrong - for me, it was part of my healing.

I met a mother who forgave the man who raped and killed her daughter, at the same meeting I was at. She taught me a lot, this woman. As a mother, I do not know if I could forgive someone who harmed my children. I am not sure how she did it. But, when she spoke to me and I saw the peace in her eyes and could feel it.. I clearly understood. She also said... If she continued to be the victim of this great crime, then she would continue the abuse of her daughter. I also understood this, from my own experience.

They would continue to WIN every single moment of my life, if I carried the "victim," within me.

Julie

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

You touch on such important issues here. We all heal differently and at various speeds. The same goes with forgiveness. Nobody should be judged for how they process their own personal hurts.

I do think, perpetuating it by taking on the "eye for an eye," can be damaging most to yourself. Which is why I need to let things go. It is damaging enough to be hurt, it is even more damaging to oneself to continue it. (for me, no judgment here).

As you know from your work. I was (not literally) one of the women who you counselled... In order for me to heal through my emotional scars of my abuse, I needed to forgive those who perpetrated them. When asked to speak publicly of my abuse and how I worked through it - when I told them part of my healing was forgiving - I was told I was wrong and in a sense giving permission back to them to repeat their abuse. That it was WRONG to forgive the abuser. For some people, this is wrong - for me, it was part of my healing.

I met a mother who forgave the man who raped and killed her daughter, at the same meeting I was at. She taught me a lot, this woman. As a mother, I do not know if I could forgive someone who harmed my children. I am not sure how she did it. But, when she spoke to me and I saw the peace in her eyes and could feel it.. I clearly understood. She also said... If she continued to be the victim of this great crime, then she would continue the abuse of her daughter. I also understood this, from my own experience.

They would continue to WIN every single moment of my life, if I carried the "victim," within me.

Julie

As I worked for many years in the field, I have helped others forgive and feel healed. I have also worked with those who can not forgive and know that they felt heard and healed in their own way.

The greatest thing about being human is that we are all so unique in our ability to heal ourselves. I am not victim. I am a survivor and I feel a wee bit shamed...that for not being a forgiving some things, I am less...this is always the vulnerable part of admitting what you can't or won't do. I do not normally believe in "eye for eye" because, fuck I would be blind. lol I certainly did not mean to come across that way. But saying this I also believe that if a man and his five buddies are fucking his 4 year old daughter it is unforgivable and imagining him in prison is a wee bit of eye for eye. 30 some years of working with incest and childhood abuse survivors has colored my perspective of forgiving. Yay for those who can, yay for those who use their hurt and anger to be better people, yay for those who just get through one day after another without nightmares.

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Isadora

As I worked for many years in the field, I have helped others forgive and feel healed. I have also worked with those who can not forgive and know that they felt heard and healed in their own way.

The greatest thing about being human is that we are all so unique in our ability to heal ourselves. I am not victim. I am a survivor and I feel a wee bit shamed...that for not being a forgiving some things, I am less...this is always the vulnerable part of admitting what you can't or won't do. I do not normally believe in "eye for eye" because, fuck I would be blind. lol I certainly did not mean to come across that way. But saying this I also believe that if a man and his five buddies are fucking his 4 year old daughter it is unforgivable and imagining him in prison is a wee bit of eye for eye. 30 some years of working with incest and childhood abuse survivors has colored my perspective of forgiving. Yay for those who can, yay for those who use their hurt and anger to be better people, yay for those who just get through one day after another without nightmares.

The bottom line... Matters not how we heal, as long as we do. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and others. This in itself opens us up for feeling vulnerable - There is so much we can all learn from one another. And honestly, there is no shame - not when it comes to our personal healing... We really sometimes just do the best we can.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Isadora

As I worked for many years in the field, I have helped others forgive and feel healed. I have also worked with those who can not forgive and know that they felt heard and healed in their own way.

The greatest thing about being human is that we are all so unique in our ability to heal ourselves. I am not victim. I am a survivor and I feel a wee bit shamed...that for not being a forgiving some things, I am less...this is always the vulnerable part of admitting what you can't or won't do. I do not normally believe in "eye for eye" because, fuck I would be blind. lol I certainly did not mean to come across that way. But saying this I also believe that if a man and his five buddies are fucking his 4 year old daughter it is unforgivable and imagining him in prison is a wee bit of eye for eye. 30 some years of working with incest and childhood abuse survivors has colored my perspective of forgiving. Yay for those who can, yay for those who use their hurt and anger to be better people, yay for those who just get through one day after another without nightmares.

I don't feel you are less. If that matters. I have similar feelings about things in my life. I don't feel I am bitter or carrying any bad emotions. I see forgiveness more for those I love. If someone is not important to me then I don't see the need to forgive them. It sort of makes the act they are guilty of more important than it should be. And apologies are hollow in some situations. I got the apology I thought I wanted and it left me cold inside. Nothing healed. What healed me was relinquishing the gulit I felt for having been chosen by the man who hurt me. It was more about forgiving myself.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Isadora

It is really hard to admit what I am not good at this mostly because of the judgmental attitudes of people who do not understand my history. Making assumptions about how or who or what I forgive or don't is also harmful to me.

I certainly understand the need to forgive. I understand the need to be at peace inside. They are not mutually exclusive. In some ways hanging onto anger or rage and using it to make changes has been the major channel for me.

As a retired social worker who worked with abused women, men and children, some things are unforgivable. Some things are unforgettable. I just want to make sure they/us are not blamed or deemed "less than" for not forgiving unspeakable horrors. My scars are literally a daily reminder of my abuse. Abuse whether mental, physical, emotional is not acceptable in any form. Forgiving it is not an option for me.

I agree with you and my therapist and I have discussed this at length. Especially when really bad, traumatic things happen in our childhoods, we still bear the scars literally/physically/mentally no matter how old we are. Often our bodies begin to attack themselves as we age if we endured horrific events as children, so to just say forgive, or that you have to forgive to be healed is naive and sounds kind of heartless to be honest.

When I started back to therapy this time I did not know what forgiveness even meant either (thank you Nat!) Or even the difference between thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am slowly working it out and have gone from furious to really sad about my childhood, which according to therapist is way better. I am not seeking to forgive or to understand because there is no logic. I am seeking to heal and get past.

Therapist agrees that some things are unforgivable. Things that happened when I was too young to have had a hand in them. Things that are just too terrible....and I don't mean lying and cheating...those things I can forgive easily.

Now some people stress me out and I am not friends with any more. It is not that I don't forgive them, I just don't feel relaxed around them and life is too short for all that. We may just be in different places and that is OK.

Forgiving myself? I have been incredibly hard on myself, but am working on getting past that.

I am trying to look at each day as a brand new start.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I don't feel you are less. If that matters. I have similar feelings about things in my life. I don't feel I am bitter or carrying any bad emotions. I see forgiveness more for those I love. If someone is not important to me then I don't see the need to forgive them. It sort of makes the act they are guilty of more important than it should be. And apologies are hollow in some situations. I got the apology I thought I wanted and it left me cold inside. Nothing healed. What healed me was relinquishing the gulit I felt for having been chosen by the man who hurt me. It was more about forgiving myself.

Great point!

If I don't love someone, then forgiveness is kind of empty.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Great point!

If I don't love someone, then forgiveness is kind of empty.

Part of me disagrees with this (but, I certainly get the big difference between loving someone). For me, forgiveness is linked to my spiritual balance. Therefore, keeping any of the negative energy that coulod keep me from letting go of ugly bitterness which hurts me internally (this part has nothing to do with the other person), then it best for me to let go of that energy. That is not empty to me and might be freeing in ways that are helpful.

I guess the main thing for me is about not carrying around anything that just continues to impact with my own growth. That is when I have felt that I continue to have the negative that my abuser or someone that treated me unfairly had over me. Hanging its ugly head still. I want to look someone in the eyes and say you have no effect over me anymore, period!

I don't know, so much of the "static" in life now is just not worth my dealing with anymore. A gift of aging! A gift of having many tough things happen that I just can't allow to overtake me because I know the consequences to myself are far too high.

The main thin with forgiveness for me is the realization that is has nothing to do with rendering someone else free of of their abusive or unfair behavior. It has everything to do with my living my life more positively.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Part of me disagrees with this (but, I certainly get the big difference between loving someone). For me, forgiveness is linked to my spiritual balance. Therefore, keeping any of the negative energy that could keep me from letting go of ugly bitterness which hurts me internally (this part has nothing to do with the other person), then it best for me to let go of that energy. That is not empty to me and might be freeing in ways that are helpful.

I guess the main thing for me is about not carrying around anything that just continues to impact with my own growth. That is when I have felt that I continue to have the negative that my abuser or someone that treated me unfairly had over me. Hanging its ugly head still. I want to look someone in the eyes and say you have no effect over me anymore, period!

I don't know, so much of the "static" in life now is just not worth my dealing with anymore. A gift of aging! A gift of having many tough things happen that I just can't allow to overtake me because I know the consequences to myself are far too high.

The main thin with forgiveness for me is the realization that is has nothing to do with rendering someone else free of of their abusive or unfair behavior. It has everything to do with my living my life more positively.

Good point. Maybe it would have been better to say that unless I love a person I don't care enough to hold bitterness or to need to forgive.

Do you think that it is important to look someone in the eye and tell them they have no hold anymore? This is problematic for me, because the person who abused me is dead.

I am trying to understand and get past my anger for the people who placed me in that vulnerable position and those who knew what was going on and did nothing to help me. I have reached the point where I am just profoundly sad rather than angry.

[Julie]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Part of me disagrees with this (but, I certainly get the big difference between loving someone). For me, forgiveness is linked to my spiritual balance. Therefore, keeping any of the negative energy that coulod keep me from letting go of ugly bitterness which hurts me internally (this part has nothing to do with the other person), then it best for me to let go of that energy. That is not empty to me and might be freeing in ways that are helpful.

I guess the main thing for me is about not carrying around anything that just continues to impact with my own growth. That is when I have felt that I continue to have the negative that my abuser or someone that treated me unfairly had over me. Hanging its ugly head still. I want to look someone in the eyes and say you have no effect over me anymore, period!

I don't know, so much of the "static" in life now is just not worth my dealing with anymore. A gift of aging! A gift of having many tough things happen that I just can't allow to overtake me because I know the consequences to myself are far too high.

The main thin with forgiveness for me is the realization that is has nothing to do with rendering someone else free of of their abusive or unfair behavior. It has everything to do with my living my life more positively.

You have articulated this so beautifully. I get a bit emotional when I think about it and try to put it into words that make any sense.

[Laerkin]

Wonderfully put and very much where I stand on the issue. I've seen some other very interesting posts that I'll need to mull over.

I would like to say that I certainly don't think my way is the only/best/"right" way. But forgiveness and growth and experience are tremendously personal. Some posts are resonating deeply for me and some posts are intriguing and thought-provoking because of how different they are from my personal experiences.

AtLastHome, I totally agree that forgiveness is a spiritual balance for me. Moving past negative energy and letting go allow me a freedom to grow and develop because of something challenging or hurtful.

As you said, this has everything to do with living a positive life with a healthy outlook (healthy meaning good for me and my path). It's not about the other person. They have their own things to figure out and I don't have a hand in that process.

Forgiveness, to me, is when I'm standing at a crossroads. Neither path is right or wrong, but one leads to emotional release and one leads to holding onto something (so I can obsess over it, or file it away for later, or learn from it, etc). When I choose to release it (and it might be something small and that crossroad lasted one millisecond or it might be something big and it's taken me months or years to reach the crossroads), it's no longer something I focus on or think about and I shift my energy towards something new.

I really am learning a lot from all of you. The various definitions, perspectives, and thoughts are really deep and personal and I'm seeing things through others eyes. Powerful stuff.

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Part of me disagrees with this (but, I certainly get the big difference between loving someone). For me, forgiveness is linked to my spiritual balance. Therefore, keeping any of the negative energy that coulod keep me from letting go of ugly bitterness which hurts me internally (this part has nothing to do with the other person), then it best for me to let go of that energy. That is not empty to me and might be freeing in ways that are helpful.

I guess the main thing for me is about not carrying around anything that just continues to impact with my own growth. That is when I have felt that I continue to have the negative that my abuser or someone that treated me unfairly had over me. Hanging its ugly head still. I want to look someone in the eyes and say you have no effect over me anymore, period!

I don't know, so much of the "static" in life now is just not worth my dealing with anymore. A gift of aging! A gift of having many tough things happen that I just can't allow to overtake me because I know the consequences to myself are far too high.

The main thing with forgiveness for me is the realization that is has nothing to do with rendering someone else free of of their abusive or unfair behavior. It has everything to do with my living my life more positively.

[Mitmo01]

Originally Posted by Isadora

As I worked for many years in the field, I have helped others forgive and feel healed. I have also worked with those who can not forgive and know that they felt heard and healed in their own way.

The greatest thing about being human is that we are all so unique in our ability to heal ourselves. I am not victim. I am a survivor and I feel a wee bit shamed...that for not being a forgiving some things, I am less...this is always the vulnerable part of admitting what you can't or won't do. I do not normally believe in "eye for eye" because, fuck I would be blind. lol I certainly did not mean to come across that way. But saying this I also believe that if a man and his five buddies are fucking his 4 year old daughter it is unforgivable and imagining him in prison is a wee bit of eye for eye. 30 some years of working with incest and childhood abuse survivors has colored my perspective of forgiving. Yay for those who can, yay for those who use their hurt and anger to be better people, yay for those who just get through one day after another without nightmares.

I have to say that I do believe that some things are not forgiveable for me. I can reason the logic out in my head that forgiving is for the one who is damaged but somehow when it comes down to it....I have wanted to murder some people, I have wanted to rip them to pieces and that scumbag fucker that did that to the little 4 year old girl in my mind does not deserve that forgiveness....maybe thats my own fuckedupness I dont know its just I know intrinsically that I could not forgive someone like that.....Isadora I want to say that everything you wrote resonated with me...

I have to say that in that specific situation....with what I know about myself.....I would have exacted an eye for an eye...and I would be in prison...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

My goal in life is to be as different from my abuser as I can be. Thank you for saying what you did because many of us make it our life's goal to be different, to break the cycle.

i know you are going in a completely different direction with this than i am going to talk about, but this statement struck a tangential chord in me that i wanted to share:

During my adolescence and young adulthood, my mother and i went through a massive power struggle that was very damaging to me...it is not a new story but her personal issues with perfectionism and security meant that she clung to her authority for its own sake, and was never able to see past the insult of my questioning her and actually listen to me. She had a scorched-earth policy on any questioning of her and this meant that there was nothing too horrible to say in an argument if it meant she would win. Eventually i was hospitalized for three months for depression, substance abuse, and self-mutilation.

i spent my twenties trying to escape the hold of those damages by doing everything i could to be the opposite kind of person she is. Then i got to my thirties and realized that the persona i had created in doing this bore no resemblance to my authentic self, and that my authentic self is actually a lot like her. My forgiveness process has consisted of accepting her in me, and learning to value those qualities objectively

Now i mostly feel like what happened during my youth was extremely unfortunate, but mostly inevitable due to the way she herself was raised and the demons she struggles with that are totally about her and just spilled out all over me in a damaging and dangerous, but not malicious, way

Originally Posted by softness

I have recently contacted most of my exes in preparation to do my ammends.

aargh i am terrified of step nine. This is probably why i am spending so much time on step three!

Forgiveness in general is a very fraught issue for me. My mother's scorched-earth tactics, described above, have been echoed by a succession of similarly abusive partners. I am pathologically afraid of conflict and confrontation, because my experience has always been that questions and complaints start arguments that will quickly escalate out of all control.

To avoid this i automatically "forgive" everything. I have just learned that taking any even the most minor stand on an issue means gambling everything- my partners always learn that if they just escalate any issue to the point where they threaten to break up with me i will fold- even if i feel passionately about something, when they put it into the context of "either you buy me a playstation or i am leaving" i will think "i don't want to buy the playstation but it seems a trivial thing to break up over" and hand over my wallet.

But why do i take that onto myself? If they go to that place over a playstation it is them being trivial, not me!

But i can always see how they are not going to stop until they get their way and they are always willing to go lower than i am...and i am a very peace/security/comfort loving person and i just want the argument to end so i can crawl under a rock out of their way somewhere.

This looks like forgiveness because i have stopped complaining but it isn't really. And being so afraid of conflict means i never complain, and i end up with so much stockpiled hurt that there gets to be no way to possibly address it ALL, and the only thing to do is leave. I think i have left relationships that could have been saved because of this (my most recent ex was not abusive, but i was so traumatized by the time we got together that i was practically a robot. i started feeling unhappy 8 months into the relationship. if i could have told her we could have worked through each issue as it arose. i did not and they piled up and eventually there was that straw...)

in terms of becoming an offender i am facing this about myself, too. My self-esteem is LOW. In the past i have used relationships and sex to fill that hole. Also i am very concerned with security and safety and having a "daddy" to hide behind always seems like a route to safety.

This means that i have gotten into relationships because i need to be in a relationship and not because i truly love the person. Many times i have been willing to accept anyone who likes me because it is so unbelievable to me that someone could like me, i feel like i can't pass on any opportunity because i may never have another one.

This means i have used those people. I have not loved them for who they are, i have loved them for what they represent. I have not been able to see who they are because i was afraid if i looked too closely i would see something that didn't fit with what i needed them to be

This is me abusing them. And their awareness of how badly i needed to be with someone, anyone, is how they knew how to control me. And their subconscious awareness that i was using them made it that much easier to abuse me...and it has been a cycle that repeats endlessly. I need to forgive myslef for abusing them, and i need to forgive them based on how my using them set us both up for dysfunction.

i have recognized it though! After my last breakup i swore to stay out of relationships for at least a year so i could unpack all my baggage and stop doing this to people. That year was up last Saturday. Unfortunately i didn't actually start therapy until 8 months into that year so i probably still have another eight months to go AT LEAST

and who knows how long it will really be, because right now my thinking any time a potential relationship glimmers is "IT'S A TRAP!!!!! RUN!"

ok i see that i have rambled on about a lot of stuff besides forgiveness

forgive me?

[Venus007]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My forgiveness process has consisted of accepting her in me, and learning to value those qualities objectively

Oooh I needed to hear that little part right there. For me that has been one of the hardest things, to move forward enough to embrace the objectively good qualities planted in me by my family members who have wronged me. I WANT to throw the baby out with the bath water, it is so much easier.
As I integrate the parts of myself that I see are similar and formed by my abuser AND objectively valuable it helps to bring peace to the process, at least for me.

Thank you for saying this

[Venus007]

What are your thoughts on forgiveness?
Forgiveness is very tightly tied to the idea of acceptance. There is nothing I can do to change the past or the things I perceive as negative that happened to me. I can only accept that they happened, attempt to integrate them into myself and move on. This is a process and in some examples it has and does take many years in my life to process and to move to acceptance. I have to practice mindfulness and to consistently put down the anger, resentment, bitterness, etc that being harmed has caused me, it is something I have to do daily, hell hourly in some cases. I have to return and return and return to opening my hand, to not clinging to my ego and my ego’s pain, I am strong enough and expansive enough to release the pain of my harm and forgive my antagonist.

What does forgiveness mean to you?
Releasing to verifying levels of success, the anger and resentment surrounding instances where in my estimation I have been wronged. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the behavior that occurred, nor does it necessarily mean that the individual who wronged me will be allowed back into my life if they are toxic.

What does it feel like to you?
Sometimes forgiveness feels like a betrayal to my ego. Sometimes it feels like a bitter, hard thing. Sometimes it feels like a release of a weight pressing down on me. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like anything.


Do you have methods or rituals of forgiveness?
I have a few as out of necessity I have had to practice much forgiveness in my life.
One is to write an event that I experienced that I need to extend forgiveness for down from my antagonist’s eyes. This helps me see what they were experiencing.

I also say “I forgive you” to people who apologize to me. I am trying to move away from the nondescript and relatively meaningless (to me) “that’s okay” because sometimes it is most certainly NOT ok. To use the words in a formal way helps me process, saying “I forgive you” or “I grant you forgiveness” adds a gravitas that sometimes is called for.

For big things and deep past wounds a formal ritual I practice for viewing with compassion for the person who wronged me is to visualize the person who wronged me as a child before life and time corrupted them and caused them to harm me. I do this visualization while looking into the flame of a white candle for many nights starting at the new moon and lasting until the full moon. Then I write a letter to the person who wronged me expressing my forgiveness and compassion (even if that forgiveness and compassion is small, hard and rudimentary). I then take the candle, the letter and anything else I think I need to include and throw it into a moving body of water and walk away without turning back or I burn it completely.


Do you feel there are times when forgiveness is not an option?
I feel that there are times when my ego throws a fit about the harm that came to me because it doesn’t want to release its pain, but ultimately I must practice forgiveness for myself. If I choose not to forgive and to hoard the wrongs against me I am poisoning myself. In order for me to move on and not give those who harmed me any more power in my life I need to remove them as they harmed me from my mind and from my heart, I must let them go from me. They are not treasure to be kept or goodness to be savored but rough lessons to be learned. By choosing not to forgive I am allowing those who harmed me continuing power and pain in my life and to me that is not acceptable.

Do you forgive frequently or rarely?
Frequently

Do you forgive yourself?
This is a hard one for me. I have to practice letting go of things that I am inclined to be unforgiving of, daily, and hourly. I must practice the same compassion and unattachment for myself that I extend to others, this can be a pisser.

Do you seek forgiveness for things you regret?
For things I regret I try to make amends and I express to the individual I have wronged my apology. I cannot cause someone else to confer grace or forgiveness to me, I can only (and am only responsible for by the way) being honest about what I did to them that hurt them and being sincerely remorseful or regretful about the wrong doing. It is their business to choose or not choose forgiveness for me and I cannot cause that to happen.

If you have kids or have young people in your life, what do/would you teach them about forgiveness?
That although it is hard it leads to freedom from past injuries and that to refuse forgiveness can make them soul-sick. I would also teach them any techniques that work for me.

Any other thoughts on forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not the same as condoning what then individual did to you that wronged you. There are ways I have been harmed in my life that were empirically wrong and could be called evil. My forgiveness does nothing to diminish that, it only releases me, my soul, my ego, myself from squirreling away the resentment and ongoing pain from that injustice so I may move forward and not define myself by the ill that happened to me but by the substance of my life that is greater than an event (or series of events).