Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by blush

It's the Cinderalla complex. Or part of it. We are taught that there is only ONE beautiful woman in any given room. If that's "not us," then it must be something flawed in ourselves.

I don't think it's in "our nature," though. I think it's Disney-based.

I think I have this. Except for me, EVERYONE else at the party is smarter and funnier and prettier than me. I'm everyone's stepsister.

Or was. One of the things I'm working on. Goofy can tell y'all all stories about me but one in particular is the time he was too ill to go to a party at Pup's and I broke down into hysterical tears because I was terrified to go by myself.

Terrified. Nearly threw up on the way there.

But I went. And it was fine. But y'all will never know the horrific anxiety attack I had.

What makes it funny is that it wasn't even my first time there. I'd been to Pup's several times. But never without my security blanket. Not sure Goof enjoyed being told he was a security blanket, but that's how I rolled.

Really working on not doing that anymore. Proudly I can say I've been to several functions where I didn't go with anyone and I survived. I still get panicky. I still try to figure out reasons not to go, but I am determined to make myself go.

Originally Posted by Medusa

I used to have a kind of reverse-Cinderella complex going on around my weight. I would scan the room when I was around other women to confirm that I , indeed, was the fattest one in the room. A lot of that self-hating

I have so much admiration for you. Reading your story fits into my own angst so much except I never actually did the hard work to lose any weight.

Originally Posted by Medusa

It didnt happen because I made no room for anyone to love me. (and dont get me wrong, I wasnt responsible for the gross behavior or judgment coming from other folks). But I walked into that party *expecting* to not be good enough. Because it was what I knew. It was what was comfortable for me. It was what fit my history.

Im writing a new life every day now, but I never erase the past.

I have to check my mirror. I think I may have a red-headed twin. Self-sabotage. I do this. I try not to, but I still do this sometimes.

It sucks to live life expecting to be talked about. It sucks worse to have it come to fruition.

Originally Posted by blush

I wonder sometimes why the horrible, ugly things stay with us the longest? Why do they seem the most true? Why do we blow off the compliments that waaaay outnumber the asshat shit? Why do we feel that the compliments are insincere, but the asshat shit are an accurate assessment of ourselves?

I keep thinking about starting a thread called Mirrors. In it, you could only look in the mirror for someone else and post what you saw about them that was positive.

Wow. I just wrote five sentences of negativity and deleted each one. Apparently, my joy meter is low today.

ANYWHO! It would be a positive thread and you couldn't deny what was said about you. Only say thanks and accept it.

We all need lessons in learning how to believe in the hype others tell us about ourselves.

Originally Posted by Medusa

I dont know if this is true for anyone else but I remember in blinding detail the negative comments that other women have made to me. Very rarely do comments from Butches, Transmen, or Men sting me in the same way. (well, except there WAS that one time that an ex of mine circulated a rumor that I was actually a man )

Perhaps its because of the desired validation. Perhaps its because of my family history with other women. Perhaps its an acceptance thing. I think that for me, a tiny part of it feels like a violation. Cant put my finger on it just yet.

HUGS. It's acceptance for me. It's validation as well, but more acceptance. I want to be a part of the bonding but I can't stand the backstabbing. I saw it so much in high school and then when I was in a sorority (fraternity actually but it was all women.) I have done so much of it myself. I can't accept that in my life any more.

I'm fortunate here in Austin. That sort of thing seems to be very limited. We have good people here.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

When I finally gained some self confidence it was because I had succeeded immensely in my professional life. Then one day I went to gay pride and got run down. My self worth plummeted because I emerged from a coma a completely different person. I have never felt part of a group or a crowd, yet everyone assumes I am and that I float through life with no worries. Why is is SO much easier for me to take a stinging comment than a compliment?

I just want to give you a compliment now because this made me CRY to read. So I'll make it a stinging one.

You are a bobble-headed woman who weebles when you are tired and you wear a wooden spoon around your neck and I love you. How's that?

Originally Posted by cara

I think the things that hurt the most are the things you hear behind your back.
SNIP
You don't like me because I'm fat, shy, and quirky? Good! One more narrow-minded person out of my life.

:heart:

Cara, you are my new femme heroine. This last line was positively positive and I adored it. Can you be my fat, shy, quirky femme crush?