Grieving

[Gráinne]

Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today.

Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned.

I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl.

I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now.

My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time.

I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time.

My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go.

And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected.

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by guihong

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

I snipped a bit of your post because I wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I mean well, so please forgive me if I am over-stepping.

When my mean, rotten, nasty step-father passed away, my Mother did not have a service for him. She just cremated him, and left him in the box until my Uncle took the box one day and released his ashes at sea. None of us were there....

You know, when I look back he wasn't always mean/rotten/nasty...we had some wonderful times with him when we were younger...and I feel cheated that I didn't get to say goodbye to the person he once was, instead of who he became.

Blessings to you during this diffacult time.

[iamkeri1]

Guihong,
We have all kinds of feelings about our families while we are alive, and we have all the same feelings about them after they die, only then we feel guilty about some of them. Deciding whether or not to go to the funeral will be hard. I hope you can fend a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe you could think of it the way Tinkerbelly mentioned and choose to go and mourn for the loss of the person you knew and loved from an earlier time in your lives. I send you light and strength.
Smooches,
Keri

[MsTinkerbelly]

Monday the 21st will be the 11th Anniversary of the day my Dad dropped dead from a heart attack. He had gone gambling; because like this coming Monday, THAT Monday was a holiday from his work. He was playing the slots and had a massive coronary...they say he was dead before he hit the floor. He was 59 years old......

As a favor to me, reach out this Monday (heck every day) and hug someone...tell them you care.

[Sparkle]

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Dear Sparkle,

I am lifting you and your family up in prayer. I can understand how you feel. If you ever want to post more about your Dad, please feel free too.

You have my deepest sympathies,
Andrew

[DamselFly]

may all experiencing the death of a family member, esp. that of an parent, be comforted! the conflicting emotions, be they grief, anger, emptiness, whatever, can be overwhelming and confusing! esp. if that parent was abusive or impaired in some other manner, find a safe person with whom you can talk, vent, voice whatever you are feeling-whenever you feel up to doing so! when my father died, the reaction of my family was to throw ME away...literally! i was not told when he died, where he died, where he was buried. i was not invited to the funeral, nor given anything from his estate. all i had wanted was his beloved guitar. in addition to grieving the loss of a father, i was faced with the loss of my entire family. that was over 15 years ago. to this day, no-one has responded to any phone calls, email, snailmail, any attempts by me to do whatever I could to heal this breach. no-one even let me know WHY this happened. my brother has a family of his now who do not even know i exist. i have a niece and others who have lost, through no doing of their own, a person who would have been a wonderful aunt! i have been lucky enough to have found wise and compassionate people (therapists and friends) to help me sort and handle my feelings over this then and whenever they arise again unexpectedly to knock me off my emotional balance. use whatever means will give you comfort and health. be compassionate towards both those who hurt you AND, most importantly, towards yourself!
namaste, my friends,
DamselFly

[DamselFly]

i don't know if this is the thread where i should post this but could find no-other. i have received more devastating news regarding my sight, or lack thereof. when i went to see the glaucoma specialist Wed (at the best eye clinic in the state, part of the OU medical complex in OKC), he told me that since i was seen a month ago, i have lost another 5% of my optic nerve in my right eye. my vision is now severely restricted in both eyes-i have 10% of my optic nerve in my L eye and 5% in my R eye. he said at this point, surgery is not an option, all i can do is to retain what little vision i have left for as long as possible. blindness is inevitable. i am learning braille and attempting to decide where the best place would be for me to live as a vision-impaired person. i am also consulting w/ my dr about the advisabilty of getting a service dog now. anyone out there have similar vision problems? if so, please get in contact w/me!
namaste and gassho,
DamselFly

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

My father is dead.
And I feel nothing, or maybe I feel a whole lot of empty. I'm not sure.

He was a truly terrible father; he did some unconscionable things.
He wasn't a good person, either.
He was a stunted broken child in an over grown body.

And he died alone.

This kind of grief - is strange.
I've lost too many people whom I love greatly, who filled my life with love and happiness. He wasn't one of them.
This is different. weird. oppressive in its emptiness.

I loved my father so much, yet when he died I felt nothing....empty. It took a year almost and a stupid song on the radio triggered my grief.

Be good to yourself, and feel what you feel....none of it is wrong

[LeftWriteFemme]

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

[Andrew, Jr.]

It has been 31 years since my younger brother died by suicide. I have mixed emotions. Some years this date just flies by, and other years I have to take a step back and think on it.

I wish all who are here much peace and love.

Andrew

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

I don't have a lot to say other than, it's been a week and I'm still here and today that has to be enough.

Yes, sometimes just breathing is the very best any of us can do.

I am so very sorry for your loss