Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Janstevie]

http://www.orschlurch.de/2011/01/19/...nd-und-band-2/


This is brilliant.. MUST HAVE SOUND ON

[rlin]

‎"A unionized employee, a Tea Party member & a corporate CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches out & takes 11 of the cookies, then says to the Tea Party member "look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

[WolfyOne]

I saw this on my FB wall and thought I'd share here

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"Well,he said,"we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub, "Oh, I understand," I said."A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger."No" he said.A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

[Jesse]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole the tent'.

[Janstevie]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[Tcountry]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'



You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Tcountry]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you! Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,! I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!