Nurturing

[Nat]

I lack skills/practice in the arts of nurturing and/or being nurtured. I used to think it was a personality trait you were born with (ha - nature vs NURTURE), but I'm thinking actually it's a skill that a person can develop. Maybe it comes more naturally to some people than to others, but everybody can improve, right?

So, questions:

What does "nurturing" mean to you?

What makes you feel most nurtured?

How would you like best to be nurtured?

In what ways do you like to nurture others? Yourself?

What situations, books, articles, movies, beliefs, epiphanies etc have helped you become more comfortable with being on the giving and/or receiving end of nurturing?

[Blade]

Great topic Nat!

I think that some of it comes from nature and being nurtured. In my experiences I suppose I was taught to nurture by watching the interactions of my family and the ways I was nurtured. How the men treated the women and how the women treated the men and how they treated the children in the family and the people of the community.

I'm going to think on your questions for a bit and come back and answer them. Again great topic. I'm excited to hear where folks attribute their ability to nurture or not.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am going to have to think on this and come back.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am going to have to think on this and come back.

Ditto...

[Soft*Silver]

I too need to come back to this but I will start with a confession ...

all my life I have been the nurturer. I have even been so in my professional life. And yet, I could not let others nurture me. I was in denial about this until I became this ill. My confession starts here. I became so much more ill because I could not allow others to help me for such a long time. I continued to do for myself, even when others offered. I was unwilling to wait or give up what I wanted done. The end result was this...I pushed myself deeper into health issues. My surgery came undone and I created another hernia because the muscle wall was weak.

NOW I accept help. Now I allow myself to be nurtured. Now I realize its ok to be helped and supported and loved. I truly believe I had many many lessons I had to learn behaviorally and spiritually. (arent they the same?)

more later...

[Rockinonahigh]

Ive all ways been the one to nuture others,this started at an early age and has gone on till now.I havent yet been able to let others take care of me,partly cause I have the iron horse mentality that im unbreakable.In reality I know its not as true as I would like but I hold on to it because it give in is to admit weekness and to be unable to do for myself,my need to be as independant as possable causes me to do more than I sould do wich is not all ways the good thing to do.Truth is im not shure how to let others nuture me with out loseing soime of me..if that makes any sence.I have lived in a world inwich there are two sets of rules,one set wich I do for others and another where I get the short end or nothing at all. Excerpt for my son,the apple didnt fall far from the tree with him,We do as much as we each will allow the other to do for the other.More later,need to think somemore.

[Blade]

Nurturing started very early in my life. I suppose it began with nurturing animals and when my sister came along and my parents working late, I began being her nurturer. I've been a nurturer for as long as I can remember and I always enjoy it.

I was nurtured as a child by a huge extended family and my parents, and watched them nurture each other. My parents still nurturer me in someways still. In my adult life I have found it difficult to accept nurturing. I find it hard to trust someone trying to nurture me, like I wonder why they want to, or do I look like I need nurturing, almost like it is a weakness in my eyes for me to be nurtured. I don't know why that is but I hope I figure it out.

[DapperButch]

I suck at nurturing myself.

I feel nurtured when someone cooks for me or takes me into account/thinks of me in small ways when I am not with them.

I just asked my gf how I nurture and she said emotional support and the "little things I do for her" and being "thoughtful".

I agree with you Nat. I think that nurturing can come more natural to some than others, but I also think that one can learn to nurture.

Interesting topic.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I grew up as a special needs kid. I was in special ed in the public school system in 1st grade for 1 year. Then my parents took me right out of it. Then I began failing in school, each grade. Teachers gave up on me. I am not ashamed of it at all because in my heart and soul I tried my best. Always. My bio-family is. So for me I would have to say that nurturing would be equal to unconditional love. My lifetime constant partner is...adversity, negativeness, very rarely is there a smile or a handshake. People have no idea of what I face on a daily basis.

It is only when I met my adopted family did I know this. I was given a gift of love. I learned what it was for someone to hand me $10 for a haircut, be invited to have a meal with them, celebrate a holiday. Even to have someone say that they wanted me to come with them to work. They were not embarressed by me, and my clumsyness, shyness, or awkwardness as some say. I just felt very invisible growing up in the family I had. I had to learn and re-learn life skills on my own.

In defining human-ness, I never realized how much reading and writing was so enormous. I still cannot grasp this concept. I feel sorry for those who are not able to speak - like kids who have some disorder, or are deaf, or some medical issue that stops/prevents them from interacting with others. Life is hard enough, but when you throw in these problems, it makes life very very hard. I just wish others would understand and have more patience.

[bigbutchmistie]

Not sure if I'm gonna.make sense however growing up there wasn't nurturing from.foster.home to foster home. Then I was adopted and it was the same basic story. As an adult I cannot imagine nurturing someone I care about. For me nurturing is about affection and taking care of someone weather its cooking for them holding them just being there for their emotional needs. And there is so much more and yes I believe you are born with the ability to nurture

And I love.a woman who is nurturing.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Hmmm...this would be the third time I visit this thread and still am having trouble with what I want my response to be. So lets see if I can express my thoughts correctly...

I did not receive much nurturing growing up. My parents were young and still growing up themselves. Most of the affection I received was from my grandmother who moved away when I was very young. There is a significant age gap between my 3 younger siblings and myself. I knew from the moment that they were born that I NEVER wanted them to feel like I did. I wanted them to feel loved and secure in themselves. My learning to nurture began there. I cared for them by not only providing them with all those basic needs but always showing affection. Having a warm demeanor towards them and everything I do for them.

How does that translate into my relationship? I naturally fall into the "housewife" role because of this. I like making sure that hys needs are met whether that means cooking, physical and emotional affection, also taking on a somewhat submissive role. If hy is pleased then I am happy. In return, he is my "protector" and takes good care of me. He listens to my thoughts, encourages my dreams, always affectionate, and provides a great deal of comfort to my heart and my mind. I also believe that it is the little things that we do for eachother that make you feel nurtured.

There are so many ways that one can feel nurtured or nurture. I personally, enjoy nurturing myself through what I call "food for the brain". I love to read, am part of writing and literature circles, attend art openings, help with charities, give to my community, etc...etc.... I submerge myself in a culture rich environment. Knowledge and appreciation of the beauty around us is a big deal to me and I tend to pass this on to my students as well.

If this makes any sense...That is what nurturing is to me!

[Nat]

article How to Nurture Yourself and Be Your Own Mother

I'm looking for other articles, but wanted to post this one before I lost it.

[Ebon]

Originally Posted by June

Mostly, I like to be left alone when stuff is bugging me. I don't need or want a lot of cuddling or coddling, in fact, it makes me a little bit crazy.

I nurture others by cooking for them and being there. I probably need to work on my cuddling stuff. I am affectionate, I'm just not overt.

I sniff people and randomly touch their hair, does that count?

I'm not sure what to say about this. I don't do the sniffing thing but I am pretty much the same as June.

[Starbuck]

I was very fortunate to have a very nurturing mother growing up; she was a great role model, I just wish I could have followed her lead a little better with my own son.

Other than that, I've always been a nurturer, trying to take care of people and pets. My mom has been sick my whole life and I basically grew up learning from an early age how to be sensitive to someone else's needs. I think that's part of the reason I grew up to become a nurse, it just kind of fit my personality.

Now on the other hand, accepting nurturing I think was a difficult thing for me to learn because my parents relied on me so much to help take care of my little brother when my mom was in the hospital so frequently...I had to be the tough one, I had to keep a stoic front for others to see. You get used to being tough; people begin to expect if from you. Then, you begin to expect it from yourself.

[Mtn]

I'm having a real love hate relationship with this thread,lol, I was nurtured for some of my young life, which very MUCH made the human I am, and then I got really NOT nurtured, which very MUCH made me the human I am. I am a nurturer. If there is something, ANYTHING I can do, let me know, and please sit still for the next meal. I am learning to allow myself to be nurtured,as an adult, sweet and scary.

[MsTinkerbelly]

My mother nurtured, I nuture, my daughter...not so much. If nuturing is learned by example, then I am at a loss to say why she does not.

I have a difficult time accepting others being nuturing towards me...maybe I put off that vibe to my daughter....but I see it expressed so little towards others also that I wonder if it is simply her age or she truly doesn't "feel" like people need care and concern.

I have always been sensitive to others needs...their pain and suffering if you will, maybe you have to be able to reach outside of yourself to nurture?

I will be back...

[MsTinkerbelly]

What does "nurturing" mean to you?

Finding ways to help others meet their needs....if they are hungry I feed them, if they need comfort I hug them, if someone needs encouragement I am their biggest cheerleader.

What makes you feel most nurtured?

Time alone, and it is the one thing that my family finds hardest to give me.

How would you like best to be nurtured?

Sometimes the little things are best....hold my hand in the Hospital, just listen when I need to vent.

In what ways do you like to nurture others? Yourself?

Silly I know, but playing BINGO all by myself? Amazing!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by June

Mostly, I like to be left alone when stuff is bugging me. I don't need or want a lot of cuddling or coddling, in fact, it makes me a little bit crazy.

I nurture others by cooking for them and being there. I probably need to work on my cuddling stuff. I am affectionate, I'm just not overt.

I sniff people and randomly touch their hair, does that count?

I find it interesting that you use cuddling and coddling together. I think of them as very different things and don't really go together at all. Cuddling is affection. Coddling is supporting or indulging bad or unhealthy behavior. That's my understanding of the two concepts.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Nat

I lack skills/practice in the arts of nurturing and/or being nurtured. I used to think it was a personality trait you were born with (ha - nature vs NURTURE), but I'm thinking actually it's a skill that a person can develop. Maybe it comes more naturally to some people than to others, but everybody can improve, right?

So, questions:

What does "nurturing" mean to you?

What makes you feel most nurtured?

How would you like best to be nurtured?

In what ways do you like to nurture others? Yourself?

What situations, books, articles, movies, beliefs, epiphanies etc have helped you become more comfortable with being on the giving and/or receiving end of nurturing?

I find that nurturing, for me, begins with compassion and empathy. It is a way of loving another, and yourself. It is not indulgent or co-dependant. It comes from the heart. To nurture is to see another or oneself as someone of value, and to see the struggles and needs of that person, and attend to them.

It can be as simple as cooking a meal. It can also be as simple as looking into the soul of another as saying, "I see you and I am here, fully present with you." To be fully present with another person in their pain and struggles is nurturing. Sometimes that is giving a hug. Sometimes it means giving someone space when they need it. Sometimes it is just sitting and listening with an open heart.

I think that some people need more practice than others, but we can all benefit from working on these skills. If one wasn't raised in a nurturing environment it's more of a challenge to be nurturing. I think that it is often the hardest thing to be nurturing to oneself. When I was younger I had to learn to be more forgiving of my own faults and shortcomings before I could truly be that way with others. As a child and teenager I was judged harshly, so I learned to judge others harshly, as well as myself. Unraveling all that began with self-acceptance. I am still unraveling that stuff today, and I am much more skilled with having compassion for and nurturing others than for myself.

Buddhism is a spiritual practice that emphasizes compassion. I think it can help one become a better nurturer. I have gone through years of hard work in therapy which has helped me a lot to be better at nurturing. My spiritual beliefs about God/ess (and reading Kierkegaard) has helped me very much as well.

I hope this is helpful.

[socialjustice_fsu]

Originally Posted by Nat

I lack skills/practice in the arts of nurturing and/or being nurtured. I used to think it was a personality trait you were born with (ha - nature vs NURTURE), but I'm thinking actually it's a skill that a person can develop. Maybe it comes more naturally to some people than to others, but everybody can improve, right? Not only can people improve on this trait, I believe one can certainly develop this trait. I think observing others that are 'nurturers' and then ~ taking small steps ~ do some simple things that involve the action of nurturing for others. For some it may come easy ~ others not so easy. But, yes, I believe you can improve the act of nurturing AND develop it if it is absent. Saying that, for some people, simply recognizing they don't nurture others or themselves could be the first obstacle to overcome.


So, questions:

What does "nurturing" mean to you?
Nurturing, to me, means to acknowledge, to validate someone's worth as a human being. Without validation can there be much more to do? Nurturing can be as simple as making and maintaining eye contact. At the other end of the continuum it could be verbally and physically expressing acceptance and love. And then there is everything in between. For instance, taking my mother and daughter to dinner and insuring it is a place they like to go is a form of nurturing. Then again looking across the table and saying aloud to them..."I thank God for you every day" is another form of nurturing.

What makes you feel most nurtured?
Engaging me in a deep, meaningful and insightful dialog. It's that easy. Seek to teach me and then let me teach you = nurturing. Ask what I think about things/people/places/ideas. Kiss me when I least expect it (i.e. cooking, cleaning the bathtub...) I also feel nurtured when I am alone. Just me with my thoughts...sort of a meditation. When my apt. is clean, the cats are fat and happy, candles are lit, a coastal breeze is blowing and a glass of chilled pinot grigio in hand how could I not be nurtured?
How would you like best to be nurtured?
I like to be alone (big difference from being lonely) and read, think, write. With others I prefer dinner with good conversation. Of course, there are the other things such as a good hair cut, manicure, blah, blah. However, as time marches on it is not things anymore as it is spending time with people I adore.

In what ways do you like to nurture others? Yourself?
Already addressed the ways I nurture myself. For others, I validate people through eye contact, light touch (if welcomed), and simply giving of my time. Everyone has their story to tell...people want to be heard; not fixed (in most cases). Time and tide wait for no one. Our length of time on this planet is mostly unknown. It is the most valuable gift I can give to anyone. I give time...that is my way of nurturing others.

What situations, books, articles, movies, beliefs, epiphanies etc have helped you become more comfortable with being on the giving and/or receiving end of nurturing?

Throughout my adult life I have always gone back to the books written by modern day philosopher and interior designer, Alexandra Stoddard. She speaks about making our mundane world and rituals aesthetically pleasing. However, she takes the reader deeper into thoughts about how to nurture ourselves but more so, others. She has answered so many questions for me and provided the guidance to live a beautiful, full life. I know my life has been enriched so much more by her expertise in how to simply live beautifully for myself and for others.

Great Thread!