Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Guy]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

[Janstevie]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

[Guy]

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

[WolfyOne]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy;
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[Janstevie]

My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

[lionpaw]

Originally Posted by Guy

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...

[~BluEydFemme~]

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

[Guy]

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual

[Janstevie]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[tiggs]

Originally Posted by Guy

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

I sent this joke to my wonderfully funny Husbutch, Hys reply:

i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap

Got to love a good laugh!

[Starbuck]

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

[Janstevie]

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!