Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Guy]

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

[WolfyOne]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy;
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[Janstevie]

My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

[lionpaw]

Originally Posted by Guy

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...

[~BluEydFemme~]

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

[Guy]

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual

[Janstevie]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Guy]

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!

[Guy]

So I was on my way home - I was sorta out in the country, and as I am driving I see the start of advertising signs for the upcoming fruit/veg stand

Plant City Strawberries

Sweet Corn

Big Ass Tomatoes

[Tcountry]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Guy]

Yeah, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windshield, It said parking fine

that was nice of them