Breaking up

blackboot · 05-20-2011, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T4Texas

I think you absoloutely do go through a grieving process. It's because of the loss and the knowledge that you won't be seeing that person again or sharing those little things you used to do on a daily basis. I think when breakups are ugly, with lots of hurt feelings, slanderous accusations and such, the grieving process is shortened as feelings of love can turn to hate pretty quickly. But even then, there is still that element of loss. I believe we go through three phases. First sadness, then anger and finally a kind of realization settles in that we are moving on which is the real goal. One thing is for certain, that time takes care of it all.

This really resonates with me. I had a sixteen year relationship end. Ugly would be an understatement. I took time for myself. I sought out counseling and found a wonderful Therapist. I stayed single--on purpose for nearly five years. Time did take care of it and I learned about myself and that I had to "do the work." That hard stuff about loving yourself before you attempt to love another. I met that wonderful someone on the dash site and now am having the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Optimist? Probably. But it took time and work.

Jar · 05-20-2011, 09:34 AM

For sure! You grieve for lost dreams, love that you have to watch die, the feeling that you were loved ... you miss the person. I'm going through it now and some days it feels like I'm trying to quit smoking. It's like I'm going through withdrawals from it all. It's miserable!

Sorry Merlin!

Apocalipstic · 05-20-2011, 10:01 AM

Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help.

My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved.

So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second.

funkyfemme · 08-27-2011, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help.

My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved.

So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second.

I really like that part and am going to try and keep that in my head while my heart is still very broken and trying to mend.

Apocalipstic · 08-27-2011, 12:40 PM

It sure is not easy.

Morgan · 08-27-2011, 10:53 PM

I jumped into my relationship so fast, the second date was a uhaul truck date. I have never moved in with someone so fast, lol. The first month was great, the second one better, but by the third month things started changing....now we are the at the sixth month and although living together we are trying to get our affairs in order so we can seperate and move into our own place. Yes it is hard living together, knowing I will never hold her, kiss her or be with her ever again. We are friends and do things together, have dinner together, play Scrabble sometimes, get our hair cut, but my heart aches knowing I will never have the connection we had in the first few months. I have been around a long time, and know that rushing into something is not always the best thing to do. Taking time to know someone is important and although my heart is breaking, I know I will always love this woman and be supportive of her and I do not regret having had her in my life for the short period we were involved. The hardest part is bowing is out gracefully and respecting ourselves, we don't need to fight or play games. Yeah in my mind, I am thinking she will never know how much she was loved, maybe someday she will see, but for now it is time to let her go.
She is still in love with her abusive ex.......Good bye my love.

funkyfemme · 08-27-2011, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgan

I jumped into my relationship so fast, the second date was a uhaul truck date. I have never moved in with someone so fast, lol. The first month was great, the second one better, but by the third month things started changing....now we are the at the sixth month and although living together we are trying to get our affairs in order so we can seperate and move into our own place. Yes it is hard living together, knowing I will never hold her, kiss her or be with her ever again. We are friends and do things together, have dinner together, play Scrabble sometimes, get our hair cut, but my heart aches knowing I will never have the connection we had in the first few months. I have been around a long time, and know that rushing into something is not always the best thing to do. Taking time to know someone is important and although my heart is breaking, I know I will always love this woman and be supportive of her and I do not regret having had her in my life for the short period we were involved. The hardest part is bowing is out gracefully and respecting ourselves, we don't need to fight or play games. Yeah in my mind, I am thinking she will never know how much she was loved, maybe someday she will see, but for now it is time to let her go.
She is still in love with her abusive ex.......Good bye my love.

Morgan....I am so sorry. Sounds just like what I just went through. I hope it gets better for you. HUGS!!

ruffryder · 08-24-2011, 11:25 AM

I do agree that when there is a breakup (especially when you're with someone for awhile and you thought they were "the one") that you will grieve. It is normal. I think with this grieving period it is important to get a closure. Talk to the person if you can, understand why it didn't work. Take time to accept it. Take time for yourself. Take time to realize their mistakes and yours and move on from it growing and learning and being a better person. It doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from the world, family, and friends, but it does help to take time for yourself and figure out what went wrong and be okay with moving on. It takes time. It will make you a stronger person and in time you will be ready to open your heart again to experience and love.

ruffryder · 08-24-2011, 11:30 AM

On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:

Leigh · 08-24-2011, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.

I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.

((((((((((letter)))))))))) Its so hard to let go, and it turns us into a mess of emotions and self doubt and we are left to wonder why does this happen to us? I still experience grief and losing certain relationships that I thought were forever but as much as love can leave you a broken wing one day you will fly again and everything will be okay

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruffryder_0187

On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:

This is *SO* very true bro, thank you for posting it ~ sometimes we need to see it in order to be able to hear it :-)

05-20-2011, 10:01 AM	#3
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,360 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Therapy, exercise, having great friends around, getting things accomplished all seem to help. My mother died when I was 13 and I survived, so breakups..while painful...are not going to destroy me or make me not have a heart. I try to look at it like we each learned from each other what we needed to and now its time to go on the next chapter. Heart even bigger for having loved. So yes, it's worth it...but definitely worth looking at ways to keep out of trouble without resorting to a hostage situation girlfriendship. At least not right this second. __________________

08-27-2011, 12:40 PM	#5
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,360 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	It sure is not easy. __________________

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05-20-2011, 09:34 AM	#2
Jar Member How Do You Identify?: TG Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He, him, da bomb... Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Up and to the right Posts: 610 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 869 Thanked 2,341 Times in 534 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	For sure! You grieve for lost dreams, love that you have to watch die, the feeling that you were loved ... you miss the person. I'm going through it now and some days it feels like I'm trying to quit smoking. It's like I'm going through withdrawals from it all. It's miserable! Sorry Merlin!

08-27-2011, 10:53 PM	#6
Morgan Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, hy, hym, does not matter Relationship Status: I am enjoying life.... Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Arizona Posts: 643 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,753 Thanked 1,604 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I jumped into my relationship so fast, the second date was a uhaul truck date. I have never moved in with someone so fast, lol. The first month was great, the second one better, but by the third month things started changing....now we are the at the sixth month and although living together we are trying to get our affairs in order so we can seperate and move into our own place. Yes it is hard living together, knowing I will never hold her, kiss her or be with her ever again. We are friends and do things together, have dinner together, play Scrabble sometimes, get our hair cut, but my heart aches knowing I will never have the connection we had in the first few months. I have been around a long time, and know that rushing into something is not always the best thing to do. Taking time to know someone is important and although my heart is breaking, I know I will always love this woman and be supportive of her and I do not regret having had her in my life for the short period we were involved. The hardest part is bowing is out gracefully and respecting ourselves, we don't need to fight or play games. Yeah in my mind, I am thinking she will never know how much she was loved, maybe someday she will see, but for now it is time to let her go. She is still in love with her abusive ex.......Good bye my love.

08-24-2011, 11:25 AM	#8
ruffryder Senior Member How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: guy ones Relationship Status: ... Join Date: May 2011 Location: chillin' in FL Posts: 3,690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,951 Thanked 9,679 Times in 2,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I do agree that when there is a breakup (especially when you're with someone for awhile and you thought they were "the one") that you will grieve. It is normal. I think with this grieving period it is important to get a closure. Talk to the person if you can, understand why it didn't work. Take time to accept it. Take time for yourself. Take time to realize their mistakes and yours and move on from it growing and learning and being a better person. It doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from the world, family, and friends, but it does help to take time for yourself and figure out what went wrong and be okay with moving on. It takes time. It will make you a stronger person and in time you will be ready to open your heart again to experience and love.

08-24-2011, 11:30 AM	#9
ruffryder Senior Member How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: guy ones Relationship Status: ... Join Date: May 2011 Location: chillin' in FL Posts: 3,690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,951 Thanked 9,679 Times in 2,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (: