Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch/Femme Bottoms

[Isadora]

All though we joke about it, they are not all femme led...just as all relationships are not butch/male/masculine led. I think I am just me. The oldest of ten children who had a very ill mother and I took charge. Is it innate? Probably. Was it necessary for me and my siblings to survive? Definitely. Did it make me skilled at organizing and socializing? Why, yes it did. Did it make me bossy? Why, yes it did that, too.

But it also made me listen, nurture, kiss boo boos, fix skates, hammer forts, go to parent/teacher conferences and feed 11 people on 2 lbs of hamburger. (Think "Shameless" without the sex, alcohol or drugs.) I had to set priorities early...do I go to prom and spend money on a dress or do I pay for Tom's math tutor? We always talk about leadership like it is dominant. Leadership is many things and many many studies have been done on what it means...but being a leader in my relationship is not about dominance it is about openess to serve with the skills that are both innate and learned. I provide the direction, the social calendar, the emotional support, make important decisions but my partner is not like a minion waiting for my next command. LOL Leadership is more than bossing people around or telling them what to do. Leadership is listening. Leadership is coaxing. Leadership is laying down. Leadership is admitting skills (both held and lacking). Leadership is realizing that people are complicated and messy.

Leadership in a relationship also is about love and loving. Love is not a rigid board of perfect design. Love is part of how I am. I am not perfect at anything, but Love makes my femme led relationships a playful dragonfly of grace in a field of sweet clover.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Sometimes I like Grant to be my minion at my every beck and call, that's how it rolls when I'm in the mood, that's the beauty of these power exchange relationships for *me*. I can do, say, act like I want because I have consent and it gets us all off or we just plain like it.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Isadora

All though we joke about it, they are not all femme led...just as all relationships are not butch/male/masculine led. I think I am just me. The oldest of ten children who had a very ill mother and I took charge. Is it innate? Probably. Was it necessary for me and my siblings to survive? Definitely. Did it make me skilled at organizing and socializing? Why, yes it did. Did it make me bossy? Why, yes it did that, too.

But it also made me listen, nurture, kiss boo boos, fix skates, hammer forts, go to parent/teacher conferences and feed 11 people on 2 lbs of hamburger. (Think "Shameless" without the sex, alcohol or drugs.) I had to set priorities early...do I go to prom and spend money on a dress or do I pay for Tom's math tutor? We always talk about leadership like it is dominant. Leadership is many things and many many studies have been done on what it means...but being a leader in my relationship is not about dominance it is about openess to serve with the skills that are both innate and learned. I provide the direction, the social calendar, the emotional support, make important decisions but my partner is not like a minion waiting for my next command. LOL Leadership is more than bossing people around or telling them what to do. Leadership is listening. Leadership is coaxing. Leadership is laying down. Leadership is admitting skills (both held and lacking). Leadership is realizing that people are complicated and messy.

Leadership in a relationship also is about love and loving. Love is not a rigid board of perfect design. Love is part of how I am. I am not perfect at anything, but Love makes my femme led relationships a playful dragonfly of grace in a field of sweet clover.

I love this. And, it really resonates with me in terms of my own style of dominance. I really shy away from the "power over" model. My dominance is about care-taking as well as getting the responses that I want from a sub. The care taking is part of what gets me off. That is not to say that I can't at times be a strict disciplinarian, lol. But caring is a significant part of it. Thanks for sharing this!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I love this. And, it really resonates with me in terms of my own style of dominance. I really shy away from the "power over" model. My dominance is about care-taking as well as getting the responses that I want from a sub. The care taking is part of what gets me off. That is not to say that I can't at times be a strict disciplinarian, lol. But caring is a significant part of it. Thanks for sharing this!

This really isn't a thread about male led relationships drew may I ask why you had to clarify your style of dominance here?

[weatherboi]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This really isn't a thread about male led relationships drew may I ask why you had to clarify your style of dominance here?

I'd hate to see this thread turn into yet another thread about how butches and transguys lead- can we please respect the topic here which is:

Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch Bottoms

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by weatherboi

I'd hate to see this thread turn into yet another thread about how butches and transguys lead- can we please respect the topic here which is:

Femme Led Relationships and Trans/Butch Bottoms

Thank you!!!!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by apretty

Come on now--Aren't they all femme-led?

While I would like to think this statement true, the expectation seems to be that the Femme defer in a 50's housewife way to the Butch or Transguy...which can cause relationship friction for someone like me, who likes to run the show for the most part.

It occurs to me that maybe you have been better at finding partners who recognize your power than I have. I have encountered more desire to "break my spirit". It could be the difference in location and age between us?

I find with younger Butches I have had better luck finding Butches not so ready to do the pissing contest thing with me....Not saying older Butches are bad, just that I have not connected with the right one and younger people seem more open minded.

So glad to see this discussion happening again!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Me too Apocalipstic!!! It's a great thread for Femmes Who Lead be' it full time, part time, in D/s not D/s ALL forms to discuss and also it gives the people on the end of The leash (if that's your thing) a place to discuss and share experiences!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by June

I read Drew as resonating with what was posted and responding to it. I do that sometimes too. Ooops.

What June said.

[weatherboi]

Leadership in Our/our house does not always come from a Dominant space. Even if my Ms is sick in bed (probably not feeling to dominant but still a Dominant), i am running this house under Her scheduled direction from Her sick space. i don't have the option to run it my way. That was the deal and i consented to it. i get that She does somethings and i do others because of Our/our individual talents, but She decides all this and directs it. She could very easily assign me to a task that isn't suited for me, something i don't like , and sit back and watch me suffer. It is up to Her. She has different compartments that run this household and They are all definitely leaders. Lucky me!!!