Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by Sparx1_1

I think what's being overlooked here is the fact that when a person transitions - they are making a choice and doing it willingly. It's not a simple or easy process and they need and deserve the support they get. The problem is that there really isn't much thought given to the wives and girlfriends who are forced into transitions of their own as part of his transition.

Their partners don't necessarily have a choice. They didn't ask for it and they are very often labelled transphobic if they do decide they can't or won't deal with it. They are expected to be the supporters but are rarely supported themselves. They are not allowed to grieve for the things they will lose - their female partner, their queer identity, their visibility. For them it ends up being a very big trap that very few can navigate successfully. Like it or not, some resentment, frustration, and anger will usually be part of the process and the world of kindness and PC-speak might just take a (hopefully short) vacation.

Transitioning puts the partner back in the closet. After all I've been through just to come out of my closet, I sure as hell would not be the least bit pleasant or nice about being tucked back into one. But - when you are emotionally invested in someone, you don't just walk away. You stay, you struggle and you try to work it out; that is what a committed relationship is all about.

That's what I read into it. This woman talked at length about being closeted and finally feeling free, yet suddenly she's back where she started and it hurt.

That resonated with me as I had often wondered how things would have turned out had I stayed with my first trans partner (many years ago). He was still in that transient place, between woman and man, and I was an out and proud lesbian, still fighting my corner to be recognised as a feminine lesbian. I really struggled with the realisation ..and guilt.. that a life with him, meant a life of invisibility. Luckily (possibly more for him!) other things intervened and we went our separate ways.

My current partner had long been part of my life before we got together. Perhaps that emotional connection softened the blow, or perhaps my identity doesn't really mean that much to me any more. Unlike the author of that article I have been out for many, many years and many girlfriends have come and gone. I read that article and feel proud for her that ultimately, she loved her partner more than she grieved her own losses.