Tips for Transitioning from an LDR to Living Together

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Nat

I met M in Nevada just over 2 years ago, just after I'd turned in my 2 weeks notice and decided to move back to Texas. She had just enrolled in school, and I had just gone through a painful breakup. My grandfather had entered hospice care, and I wanted badly to be back in Texas.

We've both flown to see each other every chance we have gotten - summers, spring break, winter break, random weekends. I'm going to her family's Thanksgiving this year.

Assuming her classes are offered in the right order, she is planning to move down here this coming summer.

I've also moved out of state to be with somebody before, and it was a *very* difficult transition for both parties.

So my question here is for those of you who have successfully transitioned from an LDR relationship to a live-in in-person relationship.

For those who have moved (especially across state lines) and for those who have been on the other end - receiving the person into your home: What did you do to prepare and what do you wish you (and/or your partner) had done to ease the transition?

Good questions...

I have to start with a disclaimer since our transition from LDR to live-in was ultimately not successful...so what I'm saying comes from the "wish we would have" point of view. Whether or not that would have helped it work? Impossible to know. But, here goes...

When visiting for those long weekends, holidays, every few months things, it's easy to be caught up in the joy of seeing each other, the sex, the intensity because you missed them like crazy....and, as a result, overlook an awful lot of "little" stuff that becomes more critical when you're living together.

In hindsight, I'd really stop and think about the daily stuff....energy levels, early riser vs. night owl, food preferences, even if you want to eat at home vs. go out, TV preferences, frequency of sex, what kinds of things you want to do for fun, and how you each handle bad days, challenges and the "down" times....depression, pain, sadness.

It's easy to think that "love conquers all"....but the reality is that differences matter...and can wear on a relationship. It's easier to accomodate significant differences when it's for a weekend or week-long visit....much harder when it's day in and day out for months at a stretch.

For the person moving out of state...really think about how it feels to leave everything and everyone. I moved 1300 miles and, although very fortunate that my work is portable so I got to keep my career on track, I gave up the frequent contact that I was used to with my best friend, and the support system I had in place from more than a decade of neighbors, friends and co-workers. It wasn't a problem until I hit a serious life challenge....and suddenly I'm 1300 miles away from my support system, and basically know and can only lean for physical help on my (now ex) partner.

That's big...and I wouldn't take it lightly.

For both people....understand that this is a big transition on both sides, and be gentle and understanding with each other. Patience and kindness are beautiful things...and can go a long way towards helping in difficult transitions.