Tips for Transitioning from an LDR to Living Together

[CockyDude]

I did LDR with my 2nd wife for 12 months. We met physically after 4 weeks of talking and every 3-4 weeks after that while her children finished school. Yes, you get carried away by the physical; sex is almost constant because of the time between visits. But we tried to always make sure it was at least a 3 day visit. I also tried to make sure there was something going on we would attend; wedding, funeral (well, you're gonna have to be there for each other), pool tournament, bike run, friends' parties. Whatever was happening in my life so we could interact under as real and normal circumstances as possible. Likewise I flew down there (we commuted between Chicago and Dallas) for the same situations. By time she was ready to move, I had gone down to get the house ready for sale, she had been here to decide on certain house crap. The day of the move, as I pulled the moving truck loaded with her car on a trailer it just felt like we were simply moving to a new place. Unfortunately we only lasted 8 years, but the transition from LDR to living together was actually flawless. It took a lot of work, commitment and foresight but isn't that true of your entire relationship?

[diamondrose]

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

[Linus]

K and I ended moving in together nearly a year to the day that we started dating. For us we had more than the usual stressors: her sister had passed away unexpectedly 3 months before I had finally moved and I was dealing with challenges with US Immigration.

Now, I've spent the better part of my life moving so it's something I'm used to. Since I rarely got close to people unless they were work colleagues or on the internet, it was something I was flexible with. However, I was also starting my transition at this time and meeting up with a local trans masculine group helped me a lot.

Since K was already in NYC (and we rent -- it's near impossible to find a place that's decent to buy), she went looking with a broker I paid for. Since I had no credit rating and she was a student, her parents agreed to co-sign the lease. She had it pretty much ready for when I arrived. I had gotten rid of the majority of my bulky items except a few things that were important/antiques. Those things I kept in storage.

And I will re-iterate something that some have said: the challenge of a support net can be the thing that makes a difference. I won't lie. That first year we were together was hard. Damn hard. She had told me a few times that if I wanted to leave I could since dealing with this would be draining. And there were times but I figured if we couldn't deal with the big stuff, how would we deal with the small stuff? The support group was my immediate, quick support net that I could use if I needed to vent. I never did use it, oddly enough, but it was nice to know that I had it (ya know?)

It's hard for me, now that we're in Los Angeles, as it puts me farther away from family (who I see once a year or so) but life can be like that when you're mobile.

Anyways, I think I've meandered a bit too much. My point is this: both should be flexible and supportive when things do go wrong, moreso than usual. Moves are one of the top 3 stressors we face in life (divorce and death are the others, IIRC). It may be worthwhile to find a safety net for each other. Additionally, it may not be a bad thing for whoever's moved to visit home again once or twice a year.

[girl_dee]

LOTSSSSSSSSS of long visits and just observing the flow of daily life in the place you will be living.

If something bugs you now, it will intensify one billionth times when you move in together.

[Queerasfck]

I have successfully gone from LDR to living together. We just hit our three year anniversary. I was lucky because even though we were states apart, the distance wasn't that far, California to Arizona and I could do it in about 5 1/2 hours so we got to see each other quite a lot, so that was really helpful.

Money and a job are two really big issues to talk about and get squared away before you make the move. Start looking for work before you get there if you can. The strain of being out of work, having no money, and relocating is really, really hard on a relationship. That's a lot of changes at once. Thankfully I did find work in Arizona even though it wasn't the best job I had some money coming in. I had a small nest egg that disappeared pretty quick (probably because we had a dream vacation in San Francisco). Not the smartest financial move but it was awesome!!

Inevitably Arizona was not for Christine or I but I wouldn't change anything about the way things have played out. We are back in California again and we both are glad for that. We have a really good foundation I think in part because we do communicate pretty well, even when we're displeased with something the other person has done. Sometimes it's extremely hard work to talk about things, but you have to. You have to be honest and not hold grudges. We fit together like puzzle pieces.

Good luck Nat, I always enjoy reading yours posts!

[Jett]

My lady and I met in a internet B/F chat room and carried on a LDR before finally jumping in my truck and driving across like 10 states to escort her to my home... that was well over 13 years ago =)

I've thought about your questions and really just think always remembering (especially at first) even in minor spats if any, that she is far away from home and that is hard... and encourage visits for her home and of course just be and good to each other.

Good luck Natalie...

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by diamondrose

i realize the the topic is LDR to Living together but...

One suggestion I could offer going from a LDR to being local is getting your own place to start off. It is easy to get lost in the joy of seeing each other between visits and it can actually end up being totally different once you are in your every day with that person. That way if it doesn't work out, you are established in your own place.

disclaimer- i was burned very badly by having an LDR move in with me- like call the cops/go to the hospital bad

I know it seems like a buzzkill but i, too, think living seperately-but-in-the-same-city for 6 months is the best thing to do.

And also- never move anywhere for love that you wouldn't move without it, or take a job that you wouldn't take otherwise. Part of you will hold your partner responsible for everything about your new situation

when someone leaves home, family, friends, and career for a relationship, this creates a situation where the relationship becomes "too big too fail" (lol) in that it just HAS to work because if it doesn't you have sacrificed all of that for nothing

this can cause you to ignore red flags or excuse bad behavior when you really shouldn't

i feel like an LDR is (in some respects) like a veeeeerrrry long first date- your second date doesn't even start until after the move

and making sacrifices as big as those mentioned (home, family, friends, and career) BEFORE the second date creates pressures that may be difficult to withstand

[ruffryder]

Great thread Nat! I think to prepare and ease the transition needs support and an understanding of needs from both parties. Unfortunately, for me, I never got that far. Twice in previous relationships we had planned for a move and at the time of move it didn't happen. I won't get into the specifics but I think you have to be sure it is what you want. If you have any doubt about something or the person don't do it! I am guessing you all are sure from what I can tell from your post. People are saying perhaps get your own place first. That is an option and a good idea if you have the income for that. However, if you are comfortable with the person then by all means move in with them right away afterall you have "been together" even if it is LDR. I would say go for it if it's in your heart and you are sure and everything will work out as it should. Have faith and make sure you both are supportive of each other's needs. If you are not set on the way your bedroom or other areas of your house are, maybe go shopping together and set up the place how you both feel would be comfortable and make it your home together.

Other suggestions I would make is talk about pets, kids, finances and come to an agreement beforehand. These are some areas couples find the most difficult to agree on. If you believe a certain way, don't let the other person take that away from you. Stand your ground, meet in the middle. You don't want to enter into a relationship of living together if you have to change everything about what you believe or want for your life.

Above all, be there for each other, listen, undertand, be supportive. Good luck!

[betenoire]

So while Nick has not yet officially moved to be with me, I guess I do have some opinions on the thing that I have not yet done.

Background. I moved from Toronto (happiest place on earth) to Sarnia (shitty town with less than 80,000 people in it) a few years ago now in preparation for us living together. We picked Sarnia because it's equal distance from both of our families, and because it's a border town which means that if Nick can't find work in Canada when he first moves here he can work in the US and drive over the bridge every day. Nick still hasn't moved here because I'm not okay with him doing so until he has an income here. He also still hasn't moved here because we haven't completed the immigration process for him yet - it's an expensive process to get a spouse landed and some things have come up for him that have made it impossible for him to get together his half of the fees.

So although I have done it first, ultimately we will have both moved away from everything we know. Now, I still haven't adjusted to the new town - at all. So I figure I can on some level speak to the experience of the person who moves to be with their LDR person.

It is very hard giving up everything that you know and love. I only see my family a handful of times a year (evey couple of months or so). I see the friends that I used to have less than that (I often don't even tell them that I'm in town when I go back to Toronto to see my parents - because my visits home are usually only 3-ish days and there just isn't time to see friends, especially with my family being so jealous of my time while I am visiting them.) The fault is all on me, since I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people, but it did eventually become a situation where Nick was my only friend - since I have ultimately lost touch (aside from a few "howyoudoin?s" over facebook) with everybody back home. That's a really unhealthy and dangerous place to be, having the person you are with being your ONLY anchor. But it's something that has a lot of potential to happen when you drop everything and move somewhere that the only person you know is your LDR.