Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme

i need to say a huge thank you to you, first of all.. i really appreciate the share, and the information as well.. This journey is very new to me still, i am learning everyday new tools and i still have so many struggles to work through .. Some days are better than others - but i'm gaining knowledge and learning to accept this as it is and be as open as i can about it, because in turn being accountable is helping me to seek more help i need.. Though i've known for years and years that i ate too much, that would purge when i knew i overate, that i craved sugars and certain foods and had no control on them but i was very ignorant to the fact that i had a really BIG problem and needed help.. So, admitting my own truths, putting it out there & seeking help has been .. well..some days it's been like a breath of fresh air and other days it's overwhelming, chaotic & uncontrollable.. i feel the most fragile i have ever felt in my entire life.

my strength *then*, stemmed from my silence & hiding from everyone. (But today i realize my strength is in helping myself and being as honest as i possibly can).. i currently attend OA meetings, almost daily.. Some face to face and some online - i have not sought out a sponsor, i had a very hard time admitting i couldnt do this on my own, until a few weeks ago.. Even still, i procrastinate it.. Last night, i was in an OA meeting and one lady used her time to speak to stress on her experience of being a sponsor and how needed that part of recovery is ..Her words clicked with me - and so this will be my next goal. my struggle right now is that i know i need counselling for the eating disorder, but we have a serious lack of resources here, it's sad. The only way i can do it is by paying for each session which is costly, and as a mother of 2 teenagers who struggles , it's just not do-able.. my work benefits do not cover for this, unless my doctor could of course push for it, and she doesn't seem interested enough.. i need a new doctor, she's more about cramming as many people into her day than she is about quality time and working with her patients.. We have very few meetings for OA, i have managed to find a dietician to work with - but otherwise there is just nothing around to take advantage of.. i feel roadblocked and so i set off on a researching adventure online to find something, anything!

Your post & your journey are so motivating for me. The steps you took for yourself, wow.. i have many similarities in the things you have had to work through, and you give me so much hope, thank you for that.. Sincerely!
And thank you for posting that link, i will be visiting it today along with the ones i have for OA and researching lots more. Much, much appreciated!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!

I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment.

One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out.

The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others.

Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help.

In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans.

I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there.

On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE]

Thank you so much for posting this..
Although i am in Canada, and i know everything works a bit differently here..
i certainly am not giving up the fight & your post encourages me to keep trying, i know there has to be something, ANYthing somewhere for me.. i have an appt with my doctor coming soon, and i know i can get some help if she would just refer me, and i will push her on this.. She is very difficult to get to sit and listen, she's so anxious to push people out the door and bring someone else in.. i dislike that, very much. As for my health benefits through work, they only cover 4 sessions, which is SOMEthing, but just not enough.. i used my 4 sessions this year already, and when i was going it helped me so very much.. But, once my sessions ended, she referred me to Mental Health for further counselling, figuring that they had some sort of counselling program to offer..

Mental health is of no cost here, that's where i first tried but surprisingly, they have nothing at all to offer (counselling included) with eating disorders.. They do in other cities etc, just no one here where i live.. The resources here are very, very little.. Another place that does offer counselling, charges 75 dollars a session, once a week..

If i were to pay on my own, then i know i simply just could not afford it.. So right now, i'm working on a referral from my doctor, then hopefully i can either find something that will be fully covered, or maybe even if my work benefits would cover half at least.. Anything helps..

i'm not giving up, because after the week i had last week, it proved to me just how fragile i can be, and how easy i could go back to old habits.. Though i fought my way through it, it was a highly emotional week for me and i know counselling would be such a blessing right now...i have all my other tools in place and use them all daily - but i need this..

*crossing fingers*

Hope you all have an easy week this week.. ((((BIG huggggz))))

[sylvie]

i am really excited..
my Doctor isn't in this week, she's being covered by another doctor who works in the same clinic.. Which means, i get the chance to talk with another doctor, and it's one that i've seen before when my doctor was out and she's really wonderful..

This is a great thing!
my appointment is tomorrow at Noon.. =)
After the week i had last week, i feel really positive about tomorrow!

[dark_crystal]

i have noticed lately that the whole episode of my illness seems really unreal to me now, and that scares me because i am afraid if i forget how miserable it was, i run the risk of relapse

but when i think about all of the desparate things i did it's like my mind shies away from it

i thought coming to this thread and describing it would help me remember

i don't want to trigger anyone do i will type in white

this time two years ago i would have made a list of every holiday party and gathering, along with an estimate of the calories i might eat at each one

then i would add up the party calories

Then i would count the days between today and New year's and multiple the number of days by the maximum allowable amount of calories per day

then i would take the total maximum allowable calories, and subtract the party calories

then i would take what was left over and divide that by the number of non-party days. This would give me the amount of calories i could eat on non-party days

usually this number was under 500

but, if i kept under 500 on non-party days, i could eat normally at parties and no one would think i might be anorexic AND the calories would average out with the non-party days and i wouldn't gain any weight

i would print a calendar from the computer and write each day's allowed calories on it and carry the calendar with me in my purse.

at the end of each day i would write down everything i had eaten down to the last Altoid (3.33 calories each, rounded to 5 to be safe) and check it against my calendar

it was miserable!

thanks for being here {{{{eating disorders thread}}}}

[sylvie]

((((((dc))))))
i'll put my response in white as well, because while i know my own triggers, i don't know what could be considered triggers for others, and i really, really appreciate you doing that so i could be mindful of this and do it myself (and will use in the future too when talking of my own triggers..i'm learning everyday, and thankful for this thread for that reason.. This is all so new to me still and i hardly understand my own triggers and journey.. i do gain a new understanding everyday though and it's due to things like this thread, and people who share with me.. Thank you!♥

It *is* miserable... It's very hard not to get caught up in it that way, for me i obsess the calorie intake as well as my weigh ins... As for my weigh ins, i just simply cannot have a weight scale.. if i did, i would weigh myself not just daily but every moment through the day it crossed my mind.. (before i put food in my mouth and after i put food in my mouth.. thinking of putting food in my mouth, etc..) i weigh in once a week at work, the one who has the scale won't let me near her office until the following week...

Right now, while being on a weight loss journey as well, i need to keep a calorie intake to be sure i am making my calories, because i tend to want to eat less and less, because in my mind the less calories i take in, the easier it is to lose weight.. But, separating the healthy calorie intake from the obsessive, is difficult...i definitely rely on my tools each day to do this..In reality, i am setting myself up to binge later on in the day if i'm not eating appropriate well balanced meals & taking in at least 1200 calories a day.. Knowing that 1200 is the lowest i should go, some days i don't quite make 1200, but others, i am very obsessive about keeping it as low as possible, and goodness if i touch a lil over 1300 calories, sigh. i get easily frustrated with the amount of calories i have to eat, so i have this inner argument with myself everyday.. i keep using my tools each day which help me struggle through this.. i even get angry over food at times when i am putting food into me and don't want to.. Other days, i want to so much and get angry because i know it'll put me over in my calories..

Realistically, i could eat even 1500-1600 calories, and when i was binging i was taking in well over 3000+ calories a day... i could cry looking at that number, but instead i'm obsessively counting the calories each day.. so i share in what you said, and do understand.. i found myself nodding while reading your post...& if i didn't have a circle of support right now the way i do, i know i would be doing something similar and purging even, probably.. These last few weeks i've had some incidents, and went to the doctor .. i know i could easily go back to what i was doing, even after all the work i've done.. i hate that everyday is a struggle to keep myself on track and that binging & purging comes so easily to me.. i know this isn't right - but i'm still also very protective of it all and hate letting it go... small steps i gather..

Thank you for sharing, once again i know the difficulties in sharing..and am so appreciative that we have this thread & that you all do it, whether here in the thread or privately ..i am so very grateful, because the support and knowledge are so important to me, as i'm sure with all of you.. So i really, sincerely thank you..Everyday, i'm learning..

(((((((((((eating disorders thread)))))))))))

[sylvie]

i forgot to come & post here, about my Dr Appt..
As i mentioned my doctor is out for a couple of weeks and a different doctor in the clinic is seeing her patients .. i've seen her before when my doctor was out and she's really got a good bedside manner, unlike my own doctor..

When she came in, she immediately sat down and just looked at me and smiled.. Then asked what was up? If it was my own doctor, she comes in the door, shuts it and hangs on to the door knob, ready to walk back out again.. She's always stressed and impatient, it bothers me... So, when she sat down, that let me know she was willing to listen..

i explained to her what struggles i've had finding some counselling.. That i had 4 sessions through EAP (employee assistance program) through work but they only offer short term (the 4 sessions a year).. That they sent me to Mental Health, and after doing an intake with them, they said they had nothing to offer to me for eating disorders in the form of counselling, but they could offer a course on stress, proper breathing techniques, etc.. i explained that while having OA meetings i can go to, and using some of the tools i do daily, a big part of me knows i need that counselling, because the 4 sessions i had at the beginning of the year (although they werent focused on my eating disorder) were so helpful..

She said the only option i had was one place, which offers counselling for a price, and i explained that's where i was in a pickle.. While i can pay some, the prices were far too much for me, i have 2 teenagers, and one income.. She completely understood, and wrote me a referral, asking for a reduced rate, and said having a referral might also help me get some counselling through my health plan at work.. She also asked questions to find out where i am at right now with it all, my history of it and offered some comforting words... Also said to contact her if the referral didnt get me someplace, and we'd try and figure something else out..

As soon as i got home, i made the phonecall to the place she suggested.. They said no, they do not accept doctor's referrals and wanted to know why my doctor would do such a thing.. So i explained the financial difficulty, as well as why i needed counselling, and the daily struggles i have ... Suddenly, she switched gears and offered me a few sessions free, and then reduced the rate to half price, 40 dollars a session, and rather than weekly, we'll do appointments bi-weekly.. i can handle that, i'll find a way because i know i need this, and 2 appts a month is more than i get now.. i thanked her so, so much...

Also, i went to work that evening, and went to Human Resources and found out my work will offer up to 500 dollars in a 12 month period towards counselling WITH a doctor referral.. lovely, so, i did the math (and have to do so with full priced sessions i'm thinking) which will give me 6 more covered sessions before i have to start paying the reduced rate..

So, i'm so happy for this, i know i need this and i know good things come from counselling.. my first appointment is on Dec 13 ...

Lastly, the doctor also offered medication as a last resort, to help with the urges to binge & purge.. it cuts the appetite down as well.. Has anyone here had to use medication? i am trying to be open to it.. However, i get really obsessive also about putting medications into me.. i am petit mal epileptic and continually take myself off medication and work on my health naturally, and years ago i was put on depression medication and did the same thing.. And sadly, did the same with high blood pressure medication the first time i was put on it some time ago.. (i was put back on it, and took it faithfully until she told me i didn't have to anymore.. ) So, taking medication scares me, but as i said i am trying to be open to the possibility of it.. She asked me to take the names of the medication home and research them - get some comfort with what they can offer, and to try counselling for a few sessions and see how that goes first..

Lots of moving forward, i wish i could adopt this doctor as my own.. She cares!