How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Sassy

So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...

I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation.

My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that.

What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally.

If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking.

If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love.

I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop.

I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me.

And now I'm walking on egg shells.

I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are.

But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays.

So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them.

Thanks,
-S

I'm glad you have a plan. It is always good to be prepared. It is also important to have limits and to make them clear to the other person.

It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works.

Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both.

Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted.
And even more importantly why she thinks they should.

Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck.

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I'm glad you have a plan. It is always good to be prepared. It is also important to have limits and to make them clear to the other person.

It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works.

Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both.

Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted.
And even more importantly why she thinks they should.

Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck.

Very well written and good advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond. For now, all I know is, time will tell. This is something we've struggled with from the moment I moved in with her, nearly 18 months ago. We've discussed the issue, and I know I've done my part of the things we agreed to do in working on ourselves to prevent a repeat of these kinds of incidents. Honestly, I hope the issue doesn't come up again and I never have to make that choice. But as I said, time will tell. Until then I live and love in the moment and hope for positive change.

[Sachita]

I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!

That's a good one. I was gonna say...mad? I don't get mad!!!! I get even.

But, sometimes i don't. But, sometimes i do. Actually i usually do or i found if i wait long enough, be patient long enough. Everything comes full circle...isn't that just lovely?

But, when i'm mad in the heat of the moment, it is best for me to walk away and think. I used to be quick to say things i shouldn't but i've learned. Walk away...think about it. Look at things objectively.

Ugggg. I hate the fact that i've grown up....somewhat.

[Sachita]

If its someone I don't know or care about I might blow up. I don't really harbor the anger but will rip you a new asshole if you fuck with me. If I love and care about you then I'll step away, think things over and decide the weight of them and or the best course of action.

I am the type of person that can get angry, blow up and in an hour its as if it never happened. I totally move on. I might be a bit more form with deception tho and although I forgive I rarely forget.

[Blade]

Naaa if I blow up, then I'm mad for a bit. I am beginng to think it depends on how often I am in contact and in how close quarts I have to be with the person and of course what they've done to upset me. Normally I'm good to go after a few hours but not always. Sometimes I am glad I don't even have to see the person for a week or month or year. Give me an hour or two to sort it out and I'll be back to normal.