Original Bad Prose or Stories!

[WomenMoveMe]

It was sorta like that time she was almost at the end of her six hour trip and realized she had forgotten the bag she had packed with everything she would need to meet the woman she had been talking to for five days before she and the woman decided to find out if they were meant to be together by meeting up for a real life meeting because she was nervous and that is why she had not remembered to put the bag in the car because she thought that maybe this woman had everything she had looked for for so long, you know? She was tall which was good because she was tall and her back was starting to go out on her and bending over for kisses was not quite the joy it had once been and she was very funny every time they talked on Skype which was everyday since they first talked and funny was a good thing because she wasn't very funny and one of them needed to be the funny one. She was smart and had a real job that was not picking up road kill like her last girlfriend who was not really smart enough to do much of anything else and even though her girlfriend had been very pretty and pretty people can usually get a pretty good job just because people like to have them around to look at them, her last girlfriend could never hold those jobs because let’s face it she had just been really dumb and pretty will only get you so far. It was sorta like that, but not really.

[Hollylane]

Whatever it said, she couldn’t put her finger on it. Not even one of the two perfectly good ones she had left on her right hand after the lawn mower incident, that wasn’t truly her fault, because due to the labels being worn off by weather, she thought the the start button was the primer button and so she didn’t have any guilt about filing that claim. Anyway, she was having trouble reading the letter from the claims department with the one perfectly good eye she had left after the incident with the super glue tube that was not really her fault because it didn’t say specifically it could not be used for false lashes and the settlement for that accident was not making the words any easier to read.

[Hollylane]

Smoke gets in their eyes….

She entered the room, but only after awkwardly tripping over the door sill in her black negligee and in her high heeled black shoes she stumbled to the bed and lifted a leg to place one foot on the footboard and tried to strike a pose that she’d seen her favorite porn star making on the stained cover of her favorite raunchy movie, but if you'd been there, it would have looked more like she was about to urinate on the bedpost. She looked down at his slumbering, no, slobbering form, and wished not for the first time that he was really more like Ron Jeremy, or at least had his neck, back and chest hair. She sloshed her martini as she fished out the olive and plopped it into his belly button. Or was it his man cave? Man cave, cave man, didn’t really make a difference as she cracked her knuckles before applying one hand in a sharp sting to his protruding belly, waking him so quickly that he slapped her glass out her hand and his explosive flatulence ignited the romantic cock shaped candle on the bedside table which set flame to the fringe of the gold tasseled curtains that framed the velvet picture on the wall behind the headboard of the King in all his sequined glory. No sex was actually had that night, but later when the fire department was unable to extinguish the flames they declared the scene an untamable hunk of burning love and put away their long hoses in despair.

[Truly Scrumptious]

In My Defence

And the last thing that I needed first thing in the morning
Was to hear about the time you had last night
If you go digging through the fields of my heart without warning
You won’t be digging up a pretty sight
And the closest that I’ve come to wishing for a gun
Was when you woke me up to say goodnight
And I knew that I would leave you then, I knew your life would have to end
So I stabbed you several times with all my might.

[SoNotHer]

The Thing

She wondered about those pantyhose.

And then she just wondered about those.

She forked around some peas, as she was won't to do.

And then she just got stuck in a pea or two, or some,

which was only briefly assuaged by thoughts of these.

Still,

she knew the dreaded mother-of-all-mind muddle was coming.

Yes, it was familiar strange to her on nights like these -

nights destined to be lost to the pout-inducing deflation

of unclear pronoun references.

[Hollylane]

What she wasn’t saying is that she really thought that despite her best efforts at entertainment, there wasn’t really anything left between them after the moment when she made the alarming faux pas of saying that she really liked the scent in the bathroom when she would use it after her in the morning when she had finished performing that morning three s’s(shitting, showering and shaving), but without specifying that it was the after the shower smell that she truly enjoyed.

[SoNotHer]

Auchentoshan, the whisky firm behind the move to celebrate an alternative Burns Night, said that the celebration of William Topaz McGonagall will be 'an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.' Picture: Hulton Archive/Getty

15 January 2012

HE HAS long been cast as a bit of a joke figure and is routinely described as the worst poet in the history of the English language. But the name of William Topaz McGonagall is set to be celebrated at pubs across Scotland later this month on a night more traditionally associated with a rather more illustrious writer of verse.

Fans of the eccentric Dundonian wordsmith will gather on Burns Night to toast the man they believe should be regarded as Scotland’s other national poet. In a move set to upset poetry purists everywhere, fans of McGonagall will take part in “alternative” Burns suppers, where dessert will be served first and there will be no renditions of the Address to a Haggis. Instead, diners will perform a selection of pieces from McGonagall’s own extensive and much-maligned canon. The brainchild of whisky firm Auchentoshan, the McGonagall suppers will take place at pubs across the UK, with venues being encouraged to serve a menu that starts with the traditional Scottish dessert of cranachan, before moving on to a main course of haggis and a starter of flaked salmon over oatcakes.

Brand manager Hannah Fisher said: “Auchentoshan likes to do things differently and, just like us, McGonagall liked to challenge perceptions. It therefore seems apt that we host a series of dinners that takes an interesting twist on one of Scotland’s most revered celebrations. “It will be an alternative evening of whisky, terrible poetry, haggis and general mayhem.” (Wow. Booking tickets for 2013 now.)

Among the venues taking part in the celebrations are the Hyde Out bar in Edinburgh, as well as three English venues in Darlington, Durham and London. McGonagall enthusiast Chris Hunt, who runs the website McGonagall Online, welcomed the idea of celebrating the poet on 25 January. He said: “I think this is a brilliant idea. “I’ve been to quite a few Burns suppers where I’ve tried to sneak in a bit of McGonagall – it’s nice to cover both extremes of Scottish poetic output in one evening.”

Asked if the poet deserved his reputation as the worst Scotland had ever produced, he said. “Yes. He’s pretty much the bottom of the bottom in terms of quality, but his poems are entertaining. “We’re still buying them 100 years after his death, so he must have done something right.” Born in Edinburgh in 1825, McGonagall wrote about 200 poems, including the infamous Tay Bridge Disaster –often described as the worst poem in British literary history.

Recounting the tragic events of 1879 in which the Tay Rail Bridge collapsed as a train passed over it, the poems begins:

“Beautiful railway bridge of the silv’ry Tay
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last sabbath day of 1879
Which shall be remembered for a very long time.”