Relating To Your Parent(s)

*Anya* · 02-22-2012, 08:14 AM

I was raised by two cold, withholding, rejecting and abusive parents. My mother told me once how my father sobbed when I was born because I was a girl and not the son he had hoped for. Not a good omen for sure.

My coming out lesbian was the icing on the cake. Neither spoke to me for 15 years after I told them.

My life was actually easier during those years- no expectations, no criticism. I reconnected with them as they were aging and my brothers had moved away. I was still trying to be the good daughter I guess-even though it was the unachievable.

They do not ask question one about me or my life. It is all about them. I listen, ask them about themselves and they talk on, oblivious.

It is what it is. They are who they are.

Glenn · 02-22-2012, 09:44 AM

My parents Had butch-femme friends/couples as close friends for years (since the fifties) They were very supportive and communicative. There were never any problems or disruptions in relating/interacting with them.

dark_crystal · 02-22-2012, 10:03 AM

i see my parents a couple of times a month. We talk about my nephew, their church, my job, etc.

i have been out to them for 22 years- it was horrible at first but now they are accepting and often very sweet to my partner-- but it is uncomfortable for all of us to discuss it

genghisfawn · 02-22-2012, 10:48 AM

Hi Cuddles,

It seems to me that it's perfectly all right to be friendly with one's parents but still not share everything. If I think about my confidantes, my mother is one, but I don't tell her everything; my best friend is another, but I don't tell her everything; and my other close friend is another, but again, I don't tell her everything! All of these people sort of receive different chunks of confidance - they overlap in Venn-like ways, but one will always know certain things the others don't, and I think that's why I talk to at least 3 people.

I also think it's normal to want to confide in your mother and it's normal to not want to upset your mother, but you've said it's "kind of silly" (in your opinion, at least,) to have witheld information from her. Well, now that you've realised this, what's stopping you from divulging? In my experience, if you think your parent is open to hearing you and willing to set aside their bias for the comfort of their child, then let fly.

My mother is like that. She's the best person in all the world and I love her so much for it. I've gone to her with so many troublesome things, and she's listened for my sake and, although I know she feels absolutely dreadful about not having the recourse or information to help, she knows I feel better just telling her.

I think that if your mother loves you, you're fortunate, indeed. Maybe tell your mom you'd like to confide in her and you hope that's all right? Good luck to you!

Amber2010 · 02-22-2012, 10:54 AM

My mother and I have always had a very bad relationship. Since teenage years but I would try and try to get along and keep the family together by having all the get togethers at my house or being the one to say I'm sorry when I did nothing wrong. In my 40's I realized this is not the person I want in my life. I was tired of all the negative and having to be the one to work things out. We had one last fight over something so small and instead of running back I decided to see how important I am to her. It as been 5 years now and she has never even tried even though she lives five mintes away and has my cell and home phone numbers. I realize at this point of my life that not everyone is meant to be a mom or can be. I did see her at both my brothers insistence at Christmas but there just is no feelings there anymore. It was like meeting an old aquaintance again. It will always hurt to realize how very little I mean but It has freed me from trying to be someone I'm not.

02-22-2012, 08:14 AM	#1
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,449 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	I was raised by two cold, withholding, rejecting and abusive parents. My mother told me once how my father sobbed when I was born because I was a girl and not the son he had hoped for. Not a good omen for sure. My coming out lesbian was the icing on the cake. Neither spoke to me for 15 years after I told them. My life was actually easier during those years- no expectations, no criticism. I reconnected with them as they were aging and my brothers had moved away. I was still trying to be the good daughter I guess-even though it was the unachievable. They do not ask question one about me or my life. It is all about them. I listen, ask them about themselves and they talk on, oblivious. It is what it is. They are who they are. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

02-22-2012, 10:03 AM	#3
dark_crystal Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: jenny Preferred Pronoun?: babygirl Relationship Status: First Lady of the United SMH Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 5,445 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,532 Thanked 26,551 Times in 4,688 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	i see my parents a couple of times a month. We talk about my nephew, their church, my job, etc. i have been out to them for 22 years- it was horrible at first but now they are accepting and often very sweet to my partner-- but it is uncomfortable for all of us to discuss it __________________

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02-22-2012, 09:44 AM	#2
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Ol butch bones. Preferred Pronoun?: Old thing Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,547 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,602 Thanked 3,729 Times in 1,095 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My parents Had butch-femme friends/couples as close friends for years (since the fifties) They were very supportive and communicative. There were never any problems or disruptions in relating/interacting with them.

02-22-2012, 10:48 AM	#4
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Hi Cuddles, It seems to me that it's perfectly all right to be friendly with one's parents but still not share everything. If I think about my confidantes, my mother is one, but I don't tell her everything; my best friend is another, but I don't tell her everything; and my other close friend is another, but again, I don't tell her everything! All of these people sort of receive different chunks of confidance - they overlap in Venn-like ways, but one will always know certain things the others don't, and I think that's why I talk to at least 3 people. I also think it's normal to want to confide in your mother and it's normal to not want to upset your mother, but you've said it's "kind of silly" (in your opinion, at least,) to have witheld information from her. Well, now that you've realised this, what's stopping you from divulging? In my experience, if you think your parent is open to hearing you and willing to set aside their bias for the comfort of their child, then let fly. My mother is like that. She's the best person in all the world and I love her so much for it. I've gone to her with so many troublesome things, and she's listened for my sake and, although I know she feels absolutely dreadful about not having the recourse or information to help, she knows I feel better just telling her. I think that if your mother loves you, you're fortunate, indeed. Maybe tell your mom you'd like to confide in her and you hope that's all right? Good luck to you!

02-22-2012, 10:54 AM	#5
Amber2010 Member How Do You Identify?: Happy, Crazy, Bubbly, Funny, Strong, Outgoing, Friendly Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Complicated Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 920 Thanked 594 Times in 154 Posts Rep Power: 3787185	My mother and I have always had a very bad relationship. Since teenage years but I would try and try to get along and keep the family together by having all the get togethers at my house or being the one to say I'm sorry when I did nothing wrong. In my 40's I realized this is not the person I want in my life. I was tired of all the negative and having to be the one to work things out. We had one last fight over something so small and instead of running back I decided to see how important I am to her. It as been 5 years now and she has never even tried even though she lives five mintes away and has my cell and home phone numbers. I realize at this point of my life that not everyone is meant to be a mom or can be. I did see her at both my brothers insistence at Christmas but there just is no feelings there anymore. It was like meeting an old aquaintance again. It will always hurt to realize how very little I mean but It has freed me from trying to be someone I'm not.