Dating women with children, any thoughts?

[Ginger]

I'm the live-in girlfriend of a single mom, and here's what I've learned. Every situation is different but here's what works in mine:

1) Avoid ever taking a parental or disciplinary role. If safety is involved, of course, step up to the plate, and quickly. Otherwise, wait and report the behavior to the mom--but only if you think she'd want to hear it! And save your silver bullets. Don't go running to her all the time with troubling shit the kid did.

What I found works best in my situation is, that even if it's something little, like setting the table, I now ask the mom to ask the kid. I made the mistake in the beginning, of assuming I would be some kind of co-parent, or step-mom, and that caused all kinds of problems. So, I took it way, way down. Result? Peace. The kid is nicer to me, and the mom isn't bent out of shape at what she sees as my interference in her parenting.


2) Never fight in front of the kid. Did your parents fight in front of you? Mine did, all the time--and it felt awful. I don't want to put another kid in that situation. Besides, even if your partner is being an asshole, if the kid sees you fight, you're the bad guy, and that feels ever worse than the fight.


3) Accept, and don't take it personally, that you will never come first with your partner. Well, maybe on a very rare basis, you'll feel like you're the priority, but if you need a lot of that, you're in for a lot of disappointment. The kid comes first, and if you can't handle that, find a partner without a kid and stop torturing her with your whining--she will only resent you for it.


4) Hold on to your sense of self; don't abandon your own hobbies and beloved "grownup" activities; don't lose touch with your friends and things that aren't "kid friendly." Gradually, in an organic way, you might gel as a "family" with your partner and her kid/s, but then again, she might not have that as a goal (mine doesn't; she tried to tell me as much, but I didn't hear it at first). Besides being clear about expectations before you move in, be flexible, and once you do move in, go with the flow. It's not a predictable process and meanwhile, it's incredibly important to make sure you have your own life, that your own identify is intact and not dependent on fitting into some fantasy you thought would happen and isn't going to.


5) I guess last of all I want to reiterate something from that last point--be clear about your expectations, before you move in.

These aren't things I learned easily, and they aren't appropriate for everyone, so please don't take offense if they aren't right for you. Honestly if they spare one person the heartache I experienced, living under some very misguided expectations, it's worth the trouble posting it.

Good luck.

IslandScout

[mariamma]

Interesting thread. I have 3 kids who are awesome! My ex seems to be more drawn to the kids than he ever was to me. Yes, they are that awesome. When I mention to women that I have young kids, they recoil a bit. After they meet them, they relax and enjoy their silly, charming nature. My kids are very much like me. I am kid at heart. But I usually am in adult mode when I am with them since they need guidance and focus.
I've had to distance myself from women who want kids and try to grasp for my kids. It just doesn't seem healthy to over emote around kids that you are meeting for the first time. It's great to like kids and want a GF who has them. But...
Every mother is different. But my kids come first, always. Period. They are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep (well, one of the last things). They spend 1/2 the week with their father so I have alone time and get to recharge my batteries. I'm single and have time to date (however, there are no local women I would like to date). I suspect that women believe 3 kids would take all my time and leave them out in the cold. Even though my kids come first, this isn't true. I've always wanted sex more than my lovers did and being present in a relationship has never been my issue.
Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by mariamma

Being a mother has opened my heart, life and spirit in unimagined ways. My patience, listening skills, compassion, nurturing, intuitive skills, etc. all have heightened and made me a better partner. Of course it isn't easy. The feminine brain sure comes in handy (E increases multi-tasking, assessment, reading body language and other skills) and it kick into overdrive when the kids are with me. Being a mother has made me even more womanly (femme).
Now if I could only find a hot butch...

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

[Toughy]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout

Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by IslandScout
Mariamma, I don't think having kids will slow down your dating prospects; not in the least. In fact, I think butch women are somewhat mesmerized by women with children; you seem savvy to the suspect as well as genuine kinds of interest that being a mother can elicit in a single butch. I wish you all the best, moving forward. IslandScout


Could you explain what you mean by the part I bolded? I will withhold comment until I understand what you mean. (Mariamma)

First, forgive me if I've spelled your name wrong; I keep going back and forth and losing the copied part to paste but now that it's there I want to keep going and not risk losing it again so I'm writing your name from memory.

I just meant, it's cute how butches idealize "mommies" but then the real "mom" is a person they get to know over time and while they might still idealize her, it's for reasons that are unique to her and their feelings are more "genuine."

I don't know why I got into that one, I don't know what the "f" I'm talking about, I do live with a mom but our dynamic is totally unrelated to what I'm alluding to.

I will now cede the floor to those who DO know what they're talking about...

Thanks,
IslandScout

[Toughy]

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Toughy

It was me that asked for clarification. I'm in disagreement with your assessment of butches and women who have children. What you describe has certainly never been my experience for a number of reasons.

I am not now, nor have I ever been mesmerized by mothers and motherhood. I also have never idealized motherhood. I have a very clear picture about motherhood and I made a conscious choice to not give birth.

I also don't believe any of my butch friends have had those feelings, particularly the ones who are mothers. I know plenty of butch folk who are mothers. As a matter of fact, a butch in my chosen family just gave birth in the last month.

Both the original post and your clarification just seem to trivialize how a butch may or may not interact with a potential dating partner who has children and suggests that children can be used to attract some poor unsuspecting butch who will be dazzled first by the kids and at some later point will get to know the mother and have 'genuine' feelings (all my feelings are genuine). It also reduces the mother in question to be a mother and trivializes the totality of who she is as a human being.

As to dating a femme with children. I have dated and lived with women with children (both kids and adult children). At my age I am not interested in raising a family. Grandkids however are an entirely different thing......you bet grandkids....spoil them and then send them home to mommy.

Well, I've definitely seen mommie-infatuation, heard it expressed in words, but obviously that does not reflect your experience and I so sincerely apologize if I generalized on too narrow a base of evidence and didn't take into account other possible views. That wasn't well advised and I'll be more conscious in future of what I'm saying.

Thanks for sharing your point of view. When I was a femme, and single, I would have liked to have met you!